"Are you glad about that?"
I stare and blink.
“Or mad about it?"
I nod, my eyes still stuck in an unseeing gaze across the room.
"Uh-huh,” I manage.
“Yeah, that's what I thought. Hey, this is probably enough balloons for tonight. Shan will be here first thing in the morning to finish these off and get them in the canopy."
I nod again, then help Annica with a few small details on the way out.
Soon, I'm in the passenger seat of her car, and we're headed home. The night is dark, and it smells like rain. I remember expecting this rain with Liam. We were excited about it. We had plans to set up the pup tent on his deck, which has a perfect view of the ocean. We were going to get cozy in the tent with popcorn and treats and watch the storm along the shore through the open flaps.
"You know what?” I say, not entirely sure what's about to come out of my mouth.
Annica, who has—very unlike her–notturned up the volume on her stereo, glances over and adjusts the rearview. "What?"
I don't have to think about what comes next because my subconscious has been well at work. "I think I sabotaged things with Liam."
"Youthink?" Sarcasm drips off her tone.
I glare over her. "Geez, Ms. Snarky Pants, I'm just gathering my thoughts here. Can we make it a safe space?"
"Yes,” she says, “sorry. Tell me what makes you think that."
"I shouldn’t have ended things just because he wanted to talk about our past. That was…kinda nuts."
"Okay. Can I at least agree with you without getting in trouble?”
“Sure.”
“Good. It was nuts. So why do you think you did that?"
I shake my head. “I have no idea."
It's true enough. If I did, I’m sure I’d be able to produce some sort of answer. Or at least come up with a few possibilities.
They say you should have at least one bawl-it-out-with-an-ugly-cry session in order to properly grieve a relationship. I’ve had three since that night, and I feel another one coming on. My tears are probably on backorder at this point, so what’s left of the low reserve wells in the corners of my eyes.
“What's wrong with me that I would do something like that?” I ask as a sob breaks through.
Annica shakes her head, eyes serious and fixed on the road. “I’m not sure.”
“Why did I insist on doing that?” I press. “Imademyself respond that way. I was waiting for him to sayjust enoughto push me over the edge so I could drive away and…and give up something that was going so well. Why?”
Annica nods thoughtfully, shifts her gum to chew it on the other side, then speaks up at last. "Can we talk about the fact that you still haven't done any of the things on your list?"
I roll my eyes. "That's an entirely different issue."
"Maybe," Annica allows. "But maybe it isn’t. Don't you think it's weird that you couldn't just follow through with at leastoneof those things?”
“I went to the campout,” I defend.
“Because I caught you in a moment of weakness and guilted you into it.”
“It wasn’t a moment of weakness,” I counter, “it was a moment of strength. I was on my say-yes-to-myself high.”
