"I didn't want to rely on your popularity," he says bashfully.
I love that this guy was inspired by his grandma, that she was the one to encourage him to pursue his dreams.
I want to be someone who inspires my children and my grandchildren. I don't have to start up a fashion line or a fried chicken restaurant to do it, either. I just have to practice saying yes so I can encouragethemto do the same.
"So, in closing, Grandma, how about you look at the camera and instead of speaking to your old self this time, speak to whoever's watching at home."
I blink, waiting in anticipation as the woman fills the screen once more. Her eyes grow fierce, and it feels like she's reaching right into my soul, gripping hold of the ghost from my past.
“Stop letting opportunities pass you by. Stop thinking that fear is your friend. Bravery will not descend on you like a cloud. You have to summon it from within. Channel it. It’s in there.
“Right now, take a moment and think of whatever it is that your braver self—your greater self—wants to do, and do it. Say yes! And then say yes again, and again, and again.”
Lucy clicks the side of her phone, and the screen goes black. "Wasn’t that amazing? I knew you’d love it." She kisses my cheek. "Sorry for waking you up. Love you, Mama."
She closes the door behind her. I'm left sitting in the dark space of awe and enlightenment. That spoke to me. It spoke to me more than any lecture I’ve sat through, any Ted Talk I’ve listened to, and any self-help book I’ve combed through.
A million tiny needles prick my skin from the inside as I entertain saying yes to all of myno’s,mynot nows, and mymaybe laters. It's enough to thrust me into panic mode, but this time, I don't sense the need to panic.
This time, a strange new urgency fills the void. It has a name; I know that it does, but I can't exactly put my finger on it.
Instead of laying flat on the futon, I stack the couch pillows behind me and lean back, half-reclined, as I consider it further.
I want to take action.
I want to do something.
I'm ready to say yes!
And that's when it strikes me – the elusive feeling or word I was looking for: determination. Yes, I feel determined enough that I can't imagine changing my mind. When I wake up, that is to say, if I manage to fall asleep at all, I'm going to do all of my don'ts. Tomorrow, I’ll start saying yes.
I can hardly wait.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Liam
Cam’s ticked-off rant plants a bug in my head that crawls through my mind all evening. I hit the gym for a late session despite the fact that I worked out this morning, and I plan to go again when I wake up. Nothing flushes toxins from the mind better than a good sweat.
I muse on the events that got me where I am today, letting the memories linger like a faithful friend. Not all friends give you hope, after all. Some friends are just there to slap you upside the head and show you where you went wrong.
I begin with the day I lost Ashley. I had just one question, a valid concern, I might add: Won’t you resent me later if you don’t date any other men? Heck, she was fifteen when we started dating, and we dated the remainder of her high school years and her first year in college, too.
We were at the beach cuddled up on a hammock, the restless tide crashing against the shore, the breeze toying with her ebony hair. She was caressing my palm with hers when I broached thetopic. I always loved the feel of her skin, remarkably smooth and silky.
I replay the look in her eyes as she misheard every word I said. The panic it triggered in my chest. The way she stormed off, pleading with me not to say another word.“If you want to date other people,”she had cried, “just tell me. Don’t act like you’re doing me a favor.”
Mercy, that day broke me. And no matter how hard I tried, no matter how many texts or direct messages I sent, I couldn’t undo it.
For years, I tried to get her back, all the way up to the night before she got married. The memory is razor-sharp and dagger-deep. For a minute there, I almost thought I had her. I shove past that one and think about the day I proposed to Gabrielle. Things were good. And even when they were bad, I focused on the good. At least, I tried.
I put up with years of terrible treatment from a woman who can only love herself. Since the kids are half-her, she loves them too, but she loves herself more.
You’re supposed to respect the person you love, and that’s exactly what I tried to do. But some of her traits made that more difficult than I imagined it’d be. So I read books, followed programs, and did everything under the sun to build the love-and-respect-relationship my parents had.
Meanwhile, Gabrielle belittled me in front of the kids, my family, her family, and even in public, like at restaurants.
“You’ll have to forgive my husband. He hasn’t bothered looking at the menu yet.”Tsk, tsk.
