“Of course,” I tell him, unbuckling my belt and opening the passenger side door. “Good job driving, by the way,” I say as he tugs his stuff from the trunk.
“Thanks,” he says.
I haven’t exactly let myself have a good cry since the night I broke down in the hotel room. I was raised by a Boomer; I know how to suck it up. But I can tell—while I’m hugging Jack goodbye and forcing him to recite the rules—that I am going to bawl my eyes out all the way home.
I climb in behind the wheel, watch Jack disappear at the entrance of the woodland path, and let the tears come. It’s a combination of things, I realize on the drive home. I’m sad that Jack will be graduating in a few years and going…he hasn’t decided where, but he is shooting for some of the top dogs out of state.
It also tears my heart to see Jack worried about me, volunteering to stay home when he’s been talking about this party for weeks. Yes, I’m proud I raised such a kind kid, but I do not want him to ever feel like he has to fix me or do anything out of guilt.
And who even knows what’s going to happen at that party tonight? I don’t feel great about it, but Jack is a really great kid. He’s honest, he’s respectful, he gets great grades. And if he was determined to do stuff he shouldn’t be doing, he’d find a dozen ways to do it, camp-out party or not.
And now that I’ve skated around the biggest hurt of all, I allow myself to dwell on what I lost. How else can I accept it? I replay the beginning, when Beau broached the object of our sons’ concern. I examine the way my view of him changed over time, as if I started seeing him through a different scope.
“He cracked that bulb in his hand,” I say aloud with a laugh. “Ordering Trish flowers and food from the hotel…” I say next. “She didn’t deserve him.”
I move on to the way he thrust a Diet Coke in my hand to keep me from barfing and the horrific aftermath. I’m laughing and crying at the same time, believing what they say about love. Better to have had and lost it than not tasted it at all.
I’m hurting, I’m hurtingbad, but that doesn’t mean I’d take any of it back. I wouldn’t trade that first kiss for anything. Or how beautiful he made me feel after we fixed dessert together in the kitchen, toying with my hair while he gazed into my eyes.
A rush of warmth floods my body at the recollection. It was magic, and even if it’s over, I’m glad that it happened. We had so much fun together with the kids, going to Spicer’s, belting karaoke tunes, and supporting Paige at her recital. We were a family, and I know it helped the kids heal. It gave them hope for the parents who’d been left behind. I’ll make sure Jack doesn’t lose that hope.
I’ll make sure I don’t lose that hope. Somehow.
To play my part, I decide to treat myself to something special. Maybe I’ll have food delivered and binge a new series. The idea throws water over the burning flames.
“Yes,” I say loud and proud to my empty house, raising my arms triumphantly over my head. “I’m doing it! I’ll keep spreading my wings no matter how much it rains!”
Feeling empowered, I flick the phone screen and see a notification pop up along the top as it chimes in my hand. I must be delusional because there is no way I just saw what I think I saw, which is Beau’s name attached to a text notification.
I ex out of my current page and click on my text app.
Beau:Are you home?
Another pops in.
Beau:You should know that I already know the answer to that.
My eyes widen as yet another one pops in.
Beau:Because I can see you. Not my fault. Your window is open.
Beau:You’re cute, by the way.
“What is happening?” I can’t help but blurt as I hurry to my front door and pull it open. Beau is truly a sight to behold. He’s in all black from head to toe, including the leather jacket he mentioned not long ago. Dang, he looks good in black.
“I figured it out,” he says, hands splaying before him. “See, the biggest concern I had when my brothers all said what they did, was the idea that I could hurtyou.Feelings change, things don’t always work out, and they were right that I was loving all the things about you that…that make you someone I can respect and look up to and parent a blended family with.”He gulps and gasps another breath of air before continuing, the words coming out like rapid fire. “I wanted to dissect howIfelt and let you dissect howyoufelt, in case you were doing the same thing because I didn’t want to get hurt either, right?”
I nod, though I’m barely keeping up and praying he’ll get to the bottom line and that it won’t break my heart once he does.
“But then Parker’s all like, if you lovemorethan her body, like, if you love her mind and her thoughts, and you basically stay up at night wanting to ask her if she ever saw Brother Bear. Have you?”
I shake my head. “It looked too sad.”
He grins wide. “See? I thought so, too. What about that other saddish one…”
“Up?”
He laughs now, gesturing toward me like I’m amazing. “Yes.Did you guys see that one?”
