I was such an idiot, geez.
I didn’t text Colton and I didn’t hear from him.
My life had been so crazy the last two weeks it was almosthard to believe that only that short amount of time had passed.I didn’t knowhow to feel about witnessing a murder, knowing one was dead, and the other one,the shooter, would soon be—hopefully—apprehended.
I didn’t know how to feel about a lot of things.
Actually, that wasn’t entirely true.When it came to Colton,I knew exactly how I felt.Crappy.I didn’t think his text Monday was an excuseto not see me.After all, after what happened, he would be busy, and since henormally worked on Tuesday, I wasn’t expecting a visit.
I didn’t get one either.
And he hadn’t texted or called.There was a part of me thatwanted to listen to the small and probably more reasonable voice that claimedhis lack of contact didn’t mean anything.He had to be busy, and I also hadn’treached out to him.Mainly because I didn’t know what to say.
I still couldn’t believe I had asked him that question.Ifhe was angry, which I knew he had been even though he’d said I hadn’t needed toapologize, it was within his right.Insinuating that he had some kind ofulterior motive to spending time with me and doing the things we had been doingwas downright insulting.
I’d fucked up.
And as Jillian sat on the edge of my couch early Wednesdayevening, watching me pace back and forth in my living room, I told her just howbadly I’d fucked up while she sipped the latte she’d brought with her.
“So, that’s about it.”I dropped down on the couch, eyeingthe cappuccino she’d brought me.It was all gone.“Not only does he probablythink I’m a jackass, he also knows I have the confidence of a sewer rat.”
Jillian frowned from behind the rim of her cup.“I don’tthink he believes you’re an asshole.He told you not to apologize.”
“That’s because he’s a good guy and he’s not mean to anyone.Even in high school he was that way.Standing up for the kids that got pickedon and friendly to everyone, and this last week has taught me he hasn’t changedin that department.”I grabbed the empty cup and stood, unable to stay seated.I walked into the kitchen, tossing it in the trash.“If he thought I was ajackass, he’s not going to say anything.”
“That may be true, but I just don’t think that’s the case.”She placed her cup on the coffee table and waited until I returned to theliving room.“And about the confidence thing?You shouldn’t be embarrassed byit.”
Stopping near the TV, I arched a brow as I folded my armsacross my chest.“Lack of confidence is seriously one of the most unattractivethings out there.”
Jillian rolled her eyes.“And it’s also seriously one of themost normal, common things out there.”
“True,” I murmured.
“I always thought being told you should be more confident,because confidence is sexy, was like getting a bitch slap in the face,” Jilliansaid.“Like ‘thanks for pointing that out.’”
I laughed dryly.“It’s weird, you know?I hadn’t evennoticed this about myself in the last couple of years.I just sort of stoppedthinking about myself as a woman.I know that sounds stupid, but that’s thebest way I can explain it.I think…” I sat back down, resting my hands in mylap as I gave a lopsided shrug.“And I was always so comfortable with Kevin.Itwasn’t something I ever had to think about, and I think the newness of all ofthis rattled me.”
“That’s understandable.”
A weak smile crossed my lips as I glanced at my phone.Colton should be off tonight, unless he was still handling the investigation.My stomach dropped a little.“I guess in a way it’s a blessing in disguise.Atleast now I know how I feel.I can do something about it.”
She twisted toward me.Thick brown hair slid off hershoulder as she tilted her head to the side.“Like what?”
I really wasn’t going to admit to the whole staring atmyself naked thing.“Mostly I think I just need to be more aware of myself.Take some time for myself, you know?”
“You do work all the time,” she agreed after a moment.“Ithought my dad worked a lot, but I think the only time you take off is when weget together.”
That would be an affirmative.
She peeked at me through the thick fringe of bangs.“Doyou…want to change yourself?”
“Who doesn’t want to change themselves, just a little bit?”I laughed as I brushed my hair back behind my ear.“I mean, I could probably bea wee bit healthier.Stop drinking cappuccinos every day.But I’d rather behappy with myself than to really try to change everything about myself.”
“That’s good.”Her gaze lowered.“I wish I thought that.About myself, I mean.”
I frowned.“Do you want to change yourself?”When she didn’tanswer, understanding set in.“Is that why you’re transferring colleges?Tostart over?”
Her shoulder rose in a halfhearted shrug.“I just wantto…yeah, I want to start over, and I can.I will.”
