CHAPTER5
Lily thanked the servant who had brought her to her chamber, closed the door behind her and then rushed to the bedroom attached to the small antechamber. She gripped the edge of the bed as the tears she had been barely managing to hold back during the tea rolled down her cheeks. She could hardly breathe as she sobbed, her mind racing with such horrible, heartbreaking thoughts.
“H-how could it be h-him?” she asked herself out loud, her breath hiccupping out and garbling the words. “Oh-oh God, wh-why did it have to behim?”
She adored her sister beyond measure. Her entire life she had only ever wanted to protect Alice from pain, from loss, from sorrow. She’d put herself in front of her sister to keep her from harm and had kept secrets about her own life so that Alice didn’t have to take in Lily’s grief.
And now she had donethis.
It didn’t matter that she hadn’t known. It didn’t matter that the man, himself, didn’t seem to recognize her thanks to the mask she had worn that night. That thought that he wouldn’t justknowher stung, but she pushed the pain away. She had no right to want him to know. To want him to remember her with the same searing, visceral desire that she had experienced in that blinding moment when he entered the chamber.
Should she confess? That thought made her entire body tremble and she shook her head. No. It was better this way. If he didn’t know she was his masked lover, that meant she could keep it a secret. Nothing would have to change, nothing would have to be damaged thanks to her reckless, wanton behavior. In order to keep the truth from coming out, she would simply stay away from him entirely.
Only, her hesitations about his intentions for his marriage with her sister remained. In fact, they were stronger than ever. After all, a mere month before he was to wed Alice he had so passionately bedded another woman? If she wasn’t the woman in question and had found out the truth, would she let that stand? Shouldn’t she probe the matter further and be certain her sister would be well in her future?
Her mind spun at these disparate needs. Protection of herself versus protection of her sister. Could she do both? Her breath began to slow, but it still shook and the tears still trickled down her cheeks. Still, she was beginning to be able to think again. Somehow there had to be a way to probe Lockhart’s intentions while keeping the truth of their night together tucked away.
Even if it haunted her. She had hoped for a night with no consequences and instead now there was this.
“No,” she murmured, and rested her head against the bed, emotions only rolling harder in her chest.
In the outer chamber, she heard the door open and jolted back upright, wiping her tears away on the back of her hand as she heard her sister’s voice.
“Oh, Lily I’m so glad you’re here!” Alice said as she entered the bedroom and enveloped Lily in another tight hug. Happily, she didn’t seem to notice Lily’s emotional state as she began to flit around the room, looking at the labels on the bottles Susan had arranged on the dressing table and peeking into the wardrobe at the gowns hung there. “I have missed you so.”
Lily pushed her thoughts of Lockhart away, deep down, praying they would stop intruding on everything. She needed to focus on Alice, now more than ever. “I have missed you, too, sweet,” she said.
Alice twirled around to face her. “The last six months have been torture. All I wanted was you. I kept trying to make Mama let me see you, but you know her. She gave me excuse after excuse, telling me I had to focus on the future, not the past. As if you and I could ever be truly parted.”
Lily pursed her lips. She had known the viscountess was manipulating the relationship but to hear the details still stung. “I’m surprised she allowed you to come to me now.”
Alice shrugged. “She wasdesperateto connect herself more with the Earl and Countess of Kirkwood and I took the opportunity to slip away so we could have a moment in private.”
“Hmmm,” Lily mused, keeping her thoughts on that subject to herself. Prudence had always been grasping. “How is she being with…with you?”
Now her sister’s expression fell slightly and some of the exuberance left her. “You know. She’s beingMama. Trying to manage every aspect of my engagement to Lockhart.”
Once again, visions of Lockhart’s face swarmed Lily’s mind. His expression as he watched her in the parlor. His expression as he watched her while he perched between her legs, wicked tongue bringing such pleasure.
She gasped at the invading images and pivoted away. “H-how so?”
“She keeps trying to push me to exhibit more for the family. Trying to raise me up on some pedestal. And she’salwaystrying to make me talk to Lockhart.” Alice shook her head as if the idea was ludicrous. “Thank goodness Mary is here. She’s my only saving grace.”
Lily wrinkled her brow. “Your maid?”
Alice worried her lip a moment and then nodded. “Yes.”
Lily shifted slightly. “I admit I was surprised when you chose Mary to be your maid when you came of age. I thought you’d want someone with more experience, especially as you’ll be entering such an elevated house. Mary is so young.”
“We’re the same age. I suppose we’ll grow together.” Alice sounded wistful, but then she refocused on Lily. “But enough about that. Now that you’ve met him, what do you think of Lockhart?”
Just his name set off another torrent of reaction that Lily couldn’t control. His hands. His mouth. His gentle voice after he’d shattered her world into rainbows and then talked to her afterward like they were truly connected. How much that had meant to her.
“He’s very handsome,” she managed to gasp out.
Alice’s brow wrinkled. “I…I suppose.”
Lily’s eyes went wide. Whatever else Alice thought of the man she would marry, certainly his physical attractiveness wasn’t up for debate. How could anyone not look at him and be immediately drawn in by all his angles and curves?
