“You love him,” Esme said softly.
Clarissa opened her eyes. “How—how do you know?”
“I see it in every bit of you,” Esme said. “I feel it coming off of you in waves. And I understand the fight against it. The belief that it couldn’t be because of…” She frowned. “Because of things out of your control. Actions that were taken that weren’t your own, but have plotted the course of your life so far.”
Clarissa nodded. “Yes.”
“You want to run because it’s so much to look at someone so magical and wonderful and know that he would fold you into himself and love you for all you are. Even the parts you don’t yet love yourself. It feels too much.”
“Yes.” Clarissa felt herself crying again. She didn’t even try to stop it.
“It is too much,” Esme said, and then she smiled and she was so beautiful then. “It’s too much and it’s everything and it’s worth the fear that makes it so hard to accept. Trust me, I know quite a bit about it.”
“Oh, Esme,” Marianne said with a gasping sob of her own. “I’m so happy you and Finn are happy and together. That you overcame everything. You both deserve the light you’ve brought to each other.” She smiled at Clarissa. “And you deserve that too. It sounds like Kirkwood truly adores you. To reform a rake is very worth it. They do make the best husbands. Since he’s already yours, since you do already love him and he declares he loves you, why throw away everything that could mean for you? And him? And your children?”
Children. It was impossible not to think of those imaginary children now. With Roderick’s smile and her eyes. Impossible not to picture him becoming the kind and caring father he’d lost and wrapping their future family in the same love he now offered to gift her.
“It is better than you could ever dream, to be truly yourself with another person. To be loved in all your faces and expressions,” Esme said.
Clarissa shivered. She’d spent so much time trying to be someone palatable. “The very idea is almost too much.”
“Are you willing to take the risk?” Esme asked.
“He did. He did so bravely by declaring it tonight. And then letting me go, giving me the space to think about it.” She dropped her head. “But it’s different for us. A lady isn’t meant to make these kinds of emotional decisions.”
“Do you despise him for his grand emotions?” Marianne asked, her brow wrinkling.
“No,” Clarissa said immediately. “When I see those emotions on his face, all I see is how beautiful he is.”
“Yours are beautiful too,” Esme said, and motioned to the mirror angled above the fireplace. “Look.”
Clarissa set her cup down and moved to the mirror. She stared up at herself and drew in a breath. She almost glowed after talking about her love for Roderick. She’d never seen that on her face before.
She’d never felt it, either. But when she let it in, let it be there, it felt so right.
“I need to go to him. Gracious, I’m the rudest visitor, showing up, pouring all this out and running off into the night.”
“I don’t know,” Esme said with a laugh as she stood. “It all seems very exciting to me. I do adore a good love story.”
“So do I,” Marianne said, rising to ring the bell. “I hope you’ll let us know how it goes. And let us support you on this wonderful journey you’re about to take.”
“I will,” Clarissa said, and smiled at them as the servant who arrived at the countess’s call then ran off to have her carriage brought back. She didn’t feel like she’d burdened them with her feelings at all. She felt closer to them for pouring a part of herself out. For allowing them to give something of equal value back. That was what Roderick meant when he said that just because something was proper it didn’t mean it was right.
This felt right. Just as he felt right.
She stepped up into the carriage when it arrived and blew a kiss to her friends, who waved with excitement as she made her way back to Roderick. To the future she was about to grasp with both hands, if she could only find a way to fully surrender to it.
Roderick knew he had done the right thing by letting Clarissa go to give space to her feelings. She’d been so controlled for so long, the freedom was what she deserved. But he paced his study nearly two hours after she’d left and couldn’t settle himself. All he could do was think of her shocked expression when he declared his heart.
There was a light knock on his door and he pivoted toward it. Stevenson stepped in. “Lady Kirkwood returned about half an hour ago, my lord.”
“Half an hour!” Roderick burst out as he launched himself from the chair where he’d been brooding.
“Yes. She asked that I wait to tell you so she could ready a few things. Now she has requested that you join her in your chamber.”
Roderick blinked aside the shock and took in the facts. Clarissa was back. Quite soon, too, when he took into account the travel time between Ramsbury’s and his own home. What did that mean?
“My lord, are you well?” Stevenson asked with a concerned expression.
