She tilted her head and looked into those dark green eyes. A calm peace like a deep forest she could lose herself in forever. But then how would she get out when he tired of her? Or if he found that woman who made him fall head over heels the moment he met her?
She turned away. “You wouldn’t understand. You speak with such love for your parents.”
“I suppose that’s true,” he said carefully, as if considering her statement. “I do view love differently after seeing it through the lens of their relationship to each other and to me. But I was adrift when they died so suddenly. I do understand that feeling of not knowing myplace. Of needing to be grounded by something, anything. Though I likely chose worse options than diving into proper behavior.”
She smiled a little. “So that’s how you obtained your reputation as rake.”
“I suppose it is.” He smoothed a lock of hair away from her forehead. “I’m so sorry, Clarissa. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. However, the circumstances that created your dedication to rules and propriety are no longer what surround you. I could be…I want to be…your true north. Your stability, the thing you can depend on rather than all those rules that make you question yourself.”
She blinked at that idea. He must feel sorry for her to suggest such a thing, because he could mean it no other way. Just a few weeks ago, he’d declared he didn’t love her. That he had lost what hope he had for his future when they became engaged. How could she depend on him now, knowing they were destined to be friends and nothing more? Their futures would be intertwined, surely, but not the way he suggested.
Even if it sounded like heaven. Even if she could so easily picture it when she looked into his eyes. That future positively danced before her, teasing her. Taunting her.
Making her want things she couldn’t have and that hurt to pretend could ever be real.
“Depending on others? That’s too dangerous,” she said, and drew her hands from his before she rose to her feet.
There was a moment when he almost looked heartbroken by that statement. That couldn’t be true, and it was gone as soon as she’d recognized it.
He nodded slowly and also stood. “I understand why. I’ll have to prove that I’m worthy of such a risk.” She wrinkled her brow, but didn’t have a chance to respond, because he continued, “But please don’t shut out how you feel. Who you are. These rules aren’tright, even if you think them proper. And I lo—care for you too much to watch you be crushed beneath their weight.”
She blinked. He’d started to saylove. Or she thought he had.Another lie he was telling or she was hearing. Her mind spun, though, and she could scarcely breathe.
“I’ll consider it,” she managed to whisper. She stepped to the door. “I have a few things to do. I’ll see you at supper.”
He nodded and didn’t try to stop her when she left the room. She closed the door behind her and let out a sob she’d been holding back before she fled to her chamber and locked the door behind her. The idea of moderation in her feelings was becoming harder and harder to achieve. Especially when the man she had linked her life to kept beckoning her closer, threatening her heart and her future with pretty words.
Roderick watched as his valet left the room. With a sigh, he moved to the candle on his dressing table. His evening had been…odd, at best. Clarissa had waited until the last possible moment to join him before supper and the meal had been quiet. He felt her withdrawal, her walls, and all he wanted to do was tear them down.
But he couldn’t. They were her protection. He wouldn’t strip them away by force. He wanted her to see she didn’t need them. But after hearing what she’d gone through, how she had been ground into dust beneath the feet of her family, he understood how difficult that would be.
He only hoped she wouldn’t walk away from him permanently to save herself from the grief she feared he’d cause.
As if on cue, his door opened and she stood there in her nightrail. Her hair was down around her shoulders, sleek and dark, and her gaze moved over him. She said nothing, but stepped inside, closed the door behind her and then came across to him at the bed.
He set the candle down and shivered when she wrapped her arms around him. Her mouth lifted and he met it, closing his arms around her and letting her mold to him.
This tiny surrender wasn’t what he wanted, not truly. But for nowit would be enough. He lowered her onto the bed, writing his I love yous on her skin, feeling her surrender those hated walls if only to his passion.
And hoped that was only the beginning to what they could be to each other.
CHAPTER 20
Another week had gone by and Roderick was restless. His wife was perfect. No one could deny it. She did all her duties with a smile. Her kindness toward the servants only increased and it seemed they all adored their new mistress. When she hosted friends, she always impressed with her easy skill at making all feel welcome and special.
But despite whatever advancement he made in their relationship when he took her to his bed and awakened her passion, she let none of that bleed into their everyday existence. She spoke to him of surface topics, she pulled away from anything she feared and she hadn’t yet worn the pink gown he’d had designed for her, even though the completed dress had been delivered a few days before.
Could he live like this? Falling more deeply in love with her every day but never being able to mount the walls she built like a princess in a tower? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t ready to give up the idea that one day he would find the weakness to that tower and bring it down.
“My lord?”
He turned away from the window in his study and found Stevenson waiting for him. “Yes, Stevenson?”
“Lady Kirkwood’s parents have arrived for tea,” Stevenson said. “You were, of course, meant to be out before your morning meeting was canceled. And I fear Lady Kirkwood is engaged in a household issue and will be a few more moments.”
Roderick pursed his lips, wondering why she hadn’t told him her parents were coming. Though he supposed it made sense. She knew he was upset at their taking advantage of her financially and even more so by how they had made her feel not enough.
“I’ll join them,” he said. “Which parlor are they in?”
