She nodded. “I know those things are true, not said in haste. And I still can’t deny that I feel the same. But…”
The but. He’d known she’d say it, but it still felt like he was the one being shot now, but through the heart, not across the shoulder. “But you don’t believe a future is possible. At least not with how things stand now.”
“To marry you, to be at your side in an official way, it would mean coming back to the public. There will already be vicious gossip once my cousin’s crimes are made public. There won’t be any avoiding it. If I return at the same time, on your arm, after all these years? It will put a spotlight on us that could burn us both to the ground. I’ve survived that before, but I love you too much to let it happen to you.”
“Despite the fact that I would burn to the ground for you every day?”
She cupped his cheeks. “Because of that fact, Finn.” He bent his head, but she continued before he could. “And I was thinking that I could be your mistress. There would be no shame to me in having a life with you without sharing your name.”
“Do you suppose I’d marry someone else eventually?” he said, incredulity dripping from his tone.
“To further your line.” She took a shuttering breath. “You must.”
“So you would haveourchildren be bastards and watch me marry someone else? Not acceptable. I would never do that to you, to us. Nor to any other woman. That would make me my father and I won’t do that, even for you.”
There was a flutter of a smile on her face. “Then we’re at an impasse. Back to the beginning. There is no way. You’ve saved me, but that doesn’t mean we can be together. It would probably be best if I left London, moved to the country. Once Francis hangs and my other cousin takes over the estate, I can petition for a living or a settlement. If he agrees, that plus the money I saved as the Hellion will probably be enough for a simple life.And I won’t ever regret you, I could…” Her voice broke. “I could never, ever regret you.”
He let her finish, even though every word was like poison. Then he leaned in closer, up higher on his knees so their faces would be even.
“That won’t be enough,” he whispered. “And you’ve forgotten one other option.”
She shook her head. “What other option?”
“I could abdicate my title. It would take time and a legal process, but eventually it would be resolved. I’d go with you to this simple life in the country. I’d marry you, perhaps take up a trade. Raise our children and be happy with you until the day I take my dying breath.”
She let out a little cry and stood. “You would give up everything? I’d never ask you!”
“Well, I’d prefer to have a life with you here, close to my family, to our friends. I’d prefer to live without fear of might have been and should be,” he said, and followed her to her feet, even though he didn’t pursue her. He wanted to with all his might, but he couldn’t. She had to make this decision on her own. To be convinced, not coerced, into giving herself a chance at the future he saw so clearly.
“Oh, Finn,” she whispered, almost whimpered.
“I want to face all the dragons that may come with you at my side,” he said. “To show you that I don’t give a damn what anyone says about you or me. So what if we are shunned either for a short time or forever? We’ll have each other.”
She pursed her lips and he wasn’t certain it was her trying not to waver or becoming annoyed that he was still fighting. “Could you really do without the admiration of those around you? Without the reputation you’ve created over the years?”
“If I can wake with you beside me? Reputation is nothing.” He stepped toward her. “Everything you say could be true. Mylifecouldbecome smaller as far as the circle I keep. However, I think you aren’t as friendless as you believe. The Duchess of Willowby is very influential and she very obviously thinks the world of your strength. Because she has impeccable taste, I might add.”
There was a slight smile that turned up Esme’s lips and he clung to that as he continued, “And my sister is the new Countess of Ramsbury. Shewillhave weight, as does Sebastian. It might take time, but even the worst scandals are muted after time. Winds change.” He touched her hand. “But I’d never force you to do something that would hurt you. I’ll walk away if it’s whatyouneed to be comfortable.”
She stared at him. “You would do that for me?”
He nodded. “I would do anything for you, Esme. Anything and everything for the rest of our days.”
She ran a hand over her face. The hesitation was beautiful, because he knew he was breaking through. He stepped closer. “What if we agreed to this: we run off and get married first off. Elope to Gretna Green as soon as we can because I cannot wait to call you wife. Then we see how it plays out for a few months. Let the scandal rise and fall the rest of the Season. And if you still don’t see a path as the Countess of Delacourt, then we try living in the countryside and…I don’t know…clamming for a living.”
“Do you know how to clam?” she asked.
He smiled. “I did it once, on a holiday with some friends.”
She sighed as a response, her levity gone again. “Do you think you could ever be happy like that?”
He shrugged. “I’ve never tried it, so I don’t know. But I know with all my heart that I could never be happy withoutyou. So I choose you. Only you. Forever you. Please, please marry me.”
Her eyes were filled with tears and they began to fall as she crossed the room to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. “You’ve made it impossible to say no to you. Almost from thevery start. If you think the risk is worth it, I’d rather spend a lifetime with you than a lifetime without. And I’ll marry you, Finn. I’ll marry you.”
He tugged her closer, his mouth finding hers with only joy and pleasure and hope for a future that seemed to glow out before him like a never-ending beacon. And as that kiss deepened into a physical celebration of the love they had found, he knew the only thing that would definitely happen was that they would live happily ever after. He’d have it no other way.
EPILOGUE
