He bent his head. “I still can’t agree to that statement at present. But I do wonder what that means for Lanford. You were asking about him just last night and he seems to have a genuine interest.”
She could have laughed at that statement. “Charles Lanford didn’t even notice my existence until the Brighthollow ball when I dared to wear something a little more interesting. Yes, I saw him as an escape route, I suppose, and entertained the idea of a courtship if he asked. But…”
When she hesitated her brother’s expression softened. “But you love someone else.”
They met eyes and she felt his support down to her bones. Not his misplaced protection or his fear for her, but just his understanding.
“Yes. I do,” she said. “And that has nothing to do with what happened between us physically. I think I have loved…lovedhimfrom the first moment I met him. Even though I’ve never been under the illusion that he could love me in return.”
Finn held out his arms, gathering her in a brief hug that warmed her more deeply than the fire ever could. When he released her, he got to his feet and paced to the window across the room where dawn was brightening in the distance. “I wanted to spare you from this pain.”
She shook her head. “But you can’t, Finn. Risk is pain, love is pain, life is pain sometimes. It’s painful to watch Sebastian ride away and know that what should have been something lovely has instead caused so much upset. It’s painful not to have…to have Claudia to depend upon or to laugh with anymore. To whisper every detail of what has happened and see her shock and hear her advice. But I wouldn’t trade a day of my friendship with either of them to stop the pain now. Both of them were very much worth it.”
“You’re so wise,” he said.
She smiled at him weakly. “Don’t tease.”
“I’m not. You are very wise, Marianne. Far wiser than I am sometimes. I’d do well to be more like you. Perhaps I shall try in the future.” He shook his head sadly. “But for now, we need to decide what to do today.”
“Of course,” she said, getting to her own feet. “To break the party up so early would only cause a great deal of questions, especially with Sebastian leaving so suddenly. I’ll act as hostess as usual and I promise you that no one shall see anything different about me.”
“And what about when we return to London?” her brother asked.
She shrugged. “Assuming you aren’t going to force me to marry a man who doesn’t love me back?—”
“I’d never force you to marry, Marianne. There is no circumstance where I would take your own choices away like that.” He smiled at her so gently. “I wouldneverput you in the same position as our mother. Create desperation in you like what was created in her.”
The love she felt for her brother swelled up in her. “You’re my champion, I know that, Finn. And Sebastian and I always knew this was a temporary endeavor. I’ve never asked for more, he certainly could not want it. So I hope that whatever happens when we return to London will be a renewal of your friendship to him, no matter what silly promises you forced upon him when it came to my ruination.”
She could see Finn pondering that and he shrugged. “I think this time away will be good for everyone. We all need some perspective that the next ten days will give. After that, I suppose anything is possible.”
She bent her head. She no longer believed that, not when it came to Sebastian at any rate. The magic they had shared was over now. She would love him from afar, as she always had without fully admitting it. And they would move on.
Somehow she had to. Somehow she would find a way.
CHAPTER 22
The ten days since Sebastian had ridden away from Delacourt’s home, feeling Marianne watching him with every step, had been the longest of his life. He’d had no concentration during that time, no ability to do anything for more than a few minutes before he was haunted by memories of kissing Marianne, of feeling her ripple around him in pleasure, of being comforted by her, laughing with her, watching her blush and blossom.
He dreamed of trying to find her, but she was always out of his reach. Or he’d get close and someone like Lanford or Delacourt would step into the path and then she’d vanish like smoke. The nights had been so very long, and they had revealed truths to him that he didn’t want to see or hear or feel. They’d revealed how deeply he cared for Marianne. It was truly terrifying, because caring meant he could be hurt, that he could hurt her more than he already had.
In short, his stomach turned and his head ached with all the thoughts and feelings he normally so readily suppressed.
“My lord?”
He turned to find Jenkins standing in the doorway to the breakfast room, hands folded before him.
“Yes, what is it?” Sebastian asked, wishing his voice didn’t sound so strained. It seemed he could no longer meter his reactions.
“You have a visitor, my lord. It’s the Earl of Delacourt.”
Sebastian nearly dropped the cup in his hand and slowly swallowed past a dry throat before he croaked, “I see. Please have him join me.”
The butler left, and in the few moments Sebastian had to prepare, he set his cup down and paced to the window to stare outside into the garden. He’d assumed Delacourt would come to him at some point. They had resolved nothing at Garringford Corners, after all. And now his old friend had had more than a week to nurse his anger and frustration and betrayal.
But on the bright side, at least Sebastian would hear about Marianne. He would know that she was well after that last desperate parting when she’d stood before him looking so beautiful in her dressing gown and told him she was sorry.Shewho had done nothing wrong ever in all her life.
“I’m surprised not to find you on guard as I enter,” Delacourt said as he came into the room.
