He stared at her ceiling, the plaster swirled into the shapes of stars, and tried to meter both his breathing and these odd thoughts.
She clenched a fist against his bare chest and he felt her look at him. When he forced himself to do the same, he found her expression relaxed and sated and she smiled at him as if everything they’d done was perfectly right.
It most definitely wasn’t.
“I never imagined,” she whispered, her fingers now tracing little patterns on his chest that somehow lit his body on fire all over again.
“So you don’t regret it?” he asked as he caught the hand that was so arousing him and lifted it to kiss her knuckles gently.
She sat up and turned toward him. “Never,” she said with feeling. “And I want you to understand something, Sebastian.”
He drew a shaky breath. “What is that?”
“I havenoexpectations because of this. As you said, it was a night stolen in time, a gift for me, and I hope not too much of a chore for you.”
His eyes widened. “Do you think that was achore?” He shook his head. “Great Lord, Marianne, I haven’t had to practice so much control in years so I wouldn’t come five seconds after entering a woman. I promise you, that was only a pleasure for me.”
He had said the words and they were true, but they felt entirely vulnerable. Still, when she smiled he didn’t particularly care. He didn’t want her to think so low of herself, he didn’t want her to believe he’d made love to her out of pity.
“Good. Then we both benefitted.” She relaxed back on her pillows with a satisfied sigh. He rolled to his side and watched her for a moment, memorizing how she looked when she was still lazy and content with orgasm.
“Thisis what I meant when I said to you that I was no gentleman,” he said slowly.
She glanced at him with a blush. “Because I was untouched.”
He nodded. “I’ve taken something that many men value greatly. And I’ve damaged your standing on the marriage mart.”
She laughed, but there was something hollow to it. “Sebastian, I haven’t had standing on the marriage mart in years. There is nothing to damage.” She sighed. “After Claudia’s death, I realized the value inliving. Not just existing from wall to wall at endless boring balls, butliving.”
He frowned as he thought of the list he’d discovered earlier. The one that was still lying on the dressing table across the room. She didn’t know he’d found it. For now, he intended to keep it that way. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t probe a little with that new knowledge.
“I suppose it must have felt like Claudia left things undone before her sudden death,” he said carefully.
Her breath became a little shallower, a little shakier. “Yes. I know she felt that way. You wouldn’t understand, as you’ve always been so golden, but for an unmarried lady, especially one who is so firmly on the shelf as Claudia was or I am, life often feels like a waiting game. We aren’t allowed to be…to betoo much. To be truly free. We’re expected to wait quietly and politely for a husband to arrive. Perhaps after we gift him with an heir and a spare we’ll be granted some ability to try new things, but it’s all within reason and only with permission.”
He had never considered that. His own life was nothing but freedom. Perhaps too much, considering he’d just ruined his best friend’s maiden sister. His own friend.
“That must be frustrating,” he said softly, taking her hand and folding her fingers in between his gently.
She shivered. “Yes.”
“And is that why you’ve been so much more…daring as of late?”
“I suppose there’s no hiding from you now, is there?” she said with a little laugh. “You’ve seen me naked.”
“I’ve very much enjoyed that,” he teased so that her mood would lighten.
“Because you are a rake,” she teased back. Then her laughter faded. "But yes. I suppose I do feel obligated to live a little more now. For her. But also for me.”
He nodded. “That Idounderstand,” he said, and stared up at her ceiling again. “Living someone else’s life.”
“Do you?” she asked.
He let out his breath slowly as his mind turned to thoughts. Dark thoughts. Painful thoughts he often pushed away. But perhaps if he shared them that would make him even more of her ally in this quest of hers to complete her friend’s list. At least he could protect her if she did.
But would he be able to protect himself if he spoke of the painful memories that wracked him? Would he give too much of himself and never be able to get that portion back from her?
“Sebastian?” she said softly, and her fingers traced his jawline with such gentleness that he couldn’t help but close his eyes and lean into the pressure of her hand. It was soothing somehow. Healing.
