It meant nothing. All she’d been able to think about was the two men she loved.
Because she did love them. Both of them. It had not hit her like a thunderbolt, but just settled in her heart like it had always been there. And perhaps it had, this love, just waiting for the right two who could make her life better.
It should have brought her joy to have found them. But she couldn’t feel it. She’d been staying with Merritt for the few days she’d been back in London. Benedict called every day, looking haggard and exhausted and emotional. She held him, as warmed by his presence as she hoped she warmed him. She asked about Darrius and felt so helpless that she wanted to scream. Darrius she had not seen since their sudden departure from the countryside. She waited for him even now and hoped today he would bring her other love with him at last.
“Mr. Norfolk to see you, Miss Gardner,” Merritt’s butler said, and stepped aside to let Benedict enter the parlor where she had been lost in thought.
She jumped to her feet as he pushed the door shut behind himself and crossed to her. He was alone again and her heart sank. Still, she pulled him in, breathing in his scent, holding him close to her until he let out his breath in a long sigh like he’d been holding it in.
“The only pleasure I have is seeing you every day,” he said, and allowed her to lead him to the settee.
“How are you, my love?” she asked.
He smiled at the endearment, one she used with him whenever she saw him. They had not declared their feelings, but she refused to hide them. “I’m…tired. And now that we’re resolving more and more around Arthur’s death, I feel the loss of my friend keenly. I hope that doesn’t hurt you to hear, considering your history with him.”
“He was clearly a complicated person. I knew him very little, after all. But in some ways, I think it must be harder when the loss is of a person you felt anger toward. I begrudge neither you or Darrius your pain I’m only sorry you must endure it.” She sighed. “And how is…he?”
They didn’t clarify the he. Benedict bent his head. “He allows me to help, at least. Gives me chores to lighten his load. But…”
“Nothing else,” she whispered, heart sinking.
“No. He is isolating himself from me, just as he did after the first time we connected physically all those years ago. Building walls that feel more insurmountable than ever.” He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Now that he is viscount, it will be worse.”
She winced. The title had fallen to Darrius the moment Arthur breathed his last. And while he would be a far greater steward to the title handed down to him, she feared Benedict was correct. Darrius would shoulder all the weight of responsibility and convince himself even more than there was no room for him to feel anything wild or free or dangerous.
They sat together quietly for a moment, simply holding hands. Benedict was trying to put on a good face for her benefit, but she could read him too well now. She reached out and stroked his cheek with her fingers. “Do you love him?” she asked.
She knew the answer. She needed to hear it.
His breath became wobbly and his eyes misted with unshed tears. “I have loved Darrius Warwick for longer than I haven’t,” he murmured. “For as long as I have known him, probably. I kept my friendship with poor Arthur long after I would have ended it, just to be nearer to Darrius, to be honest. But…I don’t think he’ll ever let himself love me.”
The pain of that statement tore at her, but for the first time in perhaps her whole life, her strength overpowered her anguish. These men had offered her strength when she felt broken. She would find strength to give back to them, to fight because they were too weary.
She cupped his cheeks. “I love him, too,” she admitted. “I ache for him. And I ache for you and love you, Benedict Norfolk.”
He caught his breath. “Vanessa…”
She smiled. “I don’t want to lose either of you. I don’t want to choose between you. I don’t want any of us to have to sacrifice. And I won’t let him put himself in a lonely tower just because he fears his heart.”
His breath hitched. “What are you saying?”
“That we’ll go to him. Right now. And have this out once and for all.”
Benedict slumped a little. “I don’t know, Vanessa. I fear I will break if he pushes me away again.”
“You won’t,” she declared, her certainty growing with each word. “Because I won’t let him do that to either of us.”
He stared at her and then a shadow of his usual bright smile cascaded over his face. He kissed her then, soft at first, then with more purpose. She clung to his wrists with a sigh and sank into the sensation. The one she would not surrender.
“I love you, too, you know,” he whispered against her lips.
And she had known it. This feeling had been swift and unexpected and powerful, but it was true. It was real. She drew back. “Then you’ll trust me.”
He nodded. “With all my heart. And his.”
She could only hope she would be worthy stewards of both. And win the war she feared was about to come.
Darrius
