Theo considered that statement. He had thought of it himself, of course, he was no fool, but hearing it out loud in another person’s voice made it settle differently.
“I suppose a handful of nights of pleasure wouldn’t change her view. It isn’t fair to expect it.” He shook his head. “But I’m trying so hard to give her what she might need to see what this could be. I walk a tightrope between trying to show her what is true and not pushing her too hard. I thought I could do it, I thought I was getting closer. I was ready to confess my feelings to her and ask her to try to be more together. And then…this.”
“Perhaps it can’t just be about her. Perhaps it has to be about revealingyou. Not about your desire, not about what you want from her…but your own demons. Sharing the parts that sting because you trust her with them. And want her to understand how you became the man she sees you as now.”
Bending his head, Theo stared at the floor near his boots. The idea of being vulnerable, even with her, was…difficult. He’d built an entire persona to keep himself from having to be just that. “I don’t know if I can, or I do that it will even matter. If I fail, I will lose everything and it’s…” He cut himself off with a shake of his head.
Roarke nodded. “I understand the fear. To be so close to the love of your life and not be able to reach her is impossible. And to know that she might truly walk away, especially because of something you did, is even worse. Give her the space to decide, as difficult as it may be. Remind her that you are there for her, ready when she is. Remain open and vulnerable so that she may feel safe to do the same when the time comes. And hope.”
“If there is hope,” Theo murmured.
“I see the way she looks at you,” Roarke continued, his tone gentler now. “From the moment I became part of your group, I saw it.”
Theo sighed. “And how does she look at me?”
“When you aren’t looking? Like you’reeverything, Theo.” Roarke touched his arm. “Don’t give up.”
There was a light knock on the study door and Kendall appeared. “Her Grace and Mrs. Desmond have arrived, gentlemen.”
Roarke smiled and Theo was struck by how happy his friend looked. It matched how he felt inside, himself, when he thought of Bernadette being in his sphere. Even now, confused and frustrated by what lay ahead of him, guilty over what he’d done, he also felt giddy knowing he would see her in a moment. He hadn’t been certain she would actually come even though she’d promised to do so.
“Why don’t we join the ladies?” Roarke said, and Theo realized he’d just been standing there, agog over the idea of seeing Etta.
“Y-Yes,” he stammered, and motioned toward the door for his friend to lead the way.
But Roarke didn’t move, at least not immediately. “If there’s love,” he said, “there’s a way.”
Then Roarke turned and walked to the door, leaving Theo there, hoping his friend was right. Hoping he could find a way to make this work. Because by God, there was love. And he couldn’t let her go without making sure she knew it.
* * *
Bernadette had felt like she had been holding her breath the entire evening, waiting for one of her friends to say something pointed to her about Theo. Waiting for Theo to do something that would make whatever was between them plain. Or that he would move on her and try to make her ready to discuss things before she’d had enough time to find her breath.
And yet, as the night wound down…none of it had happened. It had simply been a pleasant night with good food and excellent company. Now she stood across the room from their small group, refreshing her madeira, and her breath caught. Despite everything that stood in the way, every fact that told her that nothing was real or lasting between her and Theo, for a brilliant moment she could picture this just being her…life. Oh, it already had been, of course. They had shared many of these kinds of nights either as a foursome or with all six of them gathered in one of their homes.
But what if she didn’t leave him when the night was over? Not ever again? What if she could rest her hand on Theo’s shoulder just as easily as Flora did now, standing beside Roarke as he sat by the fire, looking at the copy ofEmmaTheo had purchased for Bernadette?
She blinked the image away. She was a fool.
“I’m madly jealous!” Flora declared with a laugh. “I’ve been dying to read this.”
“Well, I’ll read it first,” Bernadette said, wishing her voice didn’t sound so hollow. She had to bring herself back to the present and not some future that wouldn’t ever happen. “And then I’ll pass it to you.”
“Oh yes,” Flora said, and held out the book for her. “And then to Valaria. Though she’ll pout like nothing else when she realizes I got the first read after you.”
“Well, she shouldn’t have run off and abandoned us for a romantic time with her husband, should she?” Bernadette teased, causing Roarke to join in the laughter.
But not Theo. He was leaning on the mantel, untouched drink in his hand, watching the three of them silently. He only smiled at her quip, and she tilted her head as she looked at him, trying to read him and his mood. Impossible.
Or at least until he returned her gaze. Then his eyes softened, his posture relaxed. They held stares for a beat before she forced herself to look away and find her breath.
Flora smoothed Roarke’s temple with her fingertips and he looked up at her. She let out a sigh. “It’s getting late—I suppose we should return home.”
He nodded. “Yes.”
Flora glanced at her. “Bernadette, may we offer you a ride home?”
Bernadette started. When she had ridden over to Theo’s in Roarke and Flora’s carriage, she hadn’t fully decided if she would stay. If she did, one of two things would happen: either they would talk about everything that hung between them, including the past that still stung her when she thought of her father’s cruel declaration at the bookshop. Or…they would go to bed together. They’d both pretend it hadn’t happened, at least for a little while. And it would feel so good and so heartbreaking all at once.
