She didn’t even know anymore. She’d felt the cold chill of dismissal for so long that the warmth was hard to trust, especially with those awful words her father had said ringing in her ears.
She shivered as she set the book on her nightstand and then lay down on the bed to stare at the ceiling. It felt like everything had been turned upside down from the moment that racing horse had barely missed taking her life.
And she had no idea what to do next, how to feel or how in the world she was going to face Theo and keep her heart in check.
CHAPTER17
Theo paced his study, wringing his tingling hands with every step. Perhaps under other circumstances, he could have controlled his emotions, but he’d been stewing for hours, since he departed Etta’s home, and he felt like a bottle about to explode from the pressure.
What he wanted to do was explain himself. Lay himself bare. Demand she hear his love and his excuses. But that wasn’t fair to her because she had asked him not to do so. She might not believe him right now if he did. Which left him rudderless, unable to solve the problem.
God, how he hated that. And hated her cruel father for creating doubt in her as a child and now in their relationship. And for what? Revenge over what he considered a slight that had happened more than a decade ago.
“Your Grace, Mr. Desmond is here,” Kendall said.
Theo pivoted toward the door. He hadn’t even heard Kendall knock and he saw the butler’s concern as Theo tried to take in what had been said. “Oh, oh yes. Send him in.”
He smoothed his jacket. Christ, he was going to have a hard time keeping his thoughts and feelings from Flora and Roarke. They were both too nosy and observant not to see what he was going through.
As if on cue, Roarke entered the study. “My apologies for being so early. I had a meeting with Gray Danvers on this side of town about my investments in his project, so I thought I’d come straight here. Flora should be coming soon after—I think she was going to pick up Bernadette on the way.” His forehead wrinkled as he looked Theo up and down. “Christ, you look like shite.”
“Thank you,” Theo said with a glare. “Just what a man wants to hear.”
Roarke watched him for a moment and then said, “I’ve kept silent because I assumed you’d talk to Callum about anything troubling you—you two have been friends an age, after all. But since he isn’t here, I think I must intervene. I-I know that something is happening between you and Bernadette.”
Theo pursed his lips. “Flora told you?”
“She doesn’t have to. I know my wife too well. And I have eyes, friend. I can see what happens when you two are in a room together.” He reached out and clapped a hand on Theo’s forearm. “I am capable of staying out of it when everyone looks happy and glows and blushes. Butyoulook utterly miserable, so perhaps I can offer an ear. Or perhaps even help you, considering the problems Flora and I came through, ourselves?”
For a moment Theo considered putting Roarke off. Bernadette didn’t want people to know their secret. But then again, she’d told Flora the truth, he knew that. And didn’t he deserve someone to help him put all this into perspective? He felt like he was going to explode without that.
“You won’t say anything?” he asked softly.
“On my honor,” Roarke said, then he frowned. “And if that isn’t good enough considering my past background, on my love for my wife. Which you know is true.”
“I would never doubt it. Christ, where to start.” Theo paced away. “I’ve been…I suppose it could be called imprudent. After all, I started an affair with one of my oldest friends. I took her to my bed and promised myself that it wouldn’t matter. But then it was…it’s her. Of course it mattered.”
Roarke drew back and his surprise was plain. “Oh. I thought it was a lark.”
“It was. Only it never was.” Theo rubbed a hand over his face. “I knew that she was timid about it. About allowing herself to want for more. Her first husband was an absolute blaggard. A hateful man who made her think she wasn’t worthy of love or desire.”
Roarke flinched. “I knew him a little, thanks to my terrible cousins. Hewasrotten.”
Theo nodded. “I had no idea how bad. Now I can hardly think of him without wanting to spit on his grave.” He drew a few breaths to calm himself. This subject was too tender, he was revealing too much. But he had cut this vein open now and he could do nothing but bleed.
“I assume that her relationship with him and whatever lack of faith he created has impacted your…your affair?” Roarke asked, gently maneuvering the conversation forward.
Theo was grateful for the push and nodded. “Yes. And beyond that, her father has done the same. Something…happened today.” He didn’t want to speak what out loud. Didn’t want to explain himself to someone else, even a friend, before he could tell her the truth first. “Her father did something that deeply hurt her because he wanted to use her as a weapon against me. And now Etta…Bernadette…isn’t in a place to give any future with me a chance.”
“Do you truly want a future?” There was no judgment in Roarke’s tone, no opinion under the words. It was just a question meant to make him think.
Theo hesitated, not because he didn’t know but because this was further vulnerability, but at last he nodded. “I…do. I wanteverythingwith this woman. But she thinks what’s happening with me is nothing. She keeps telling me it’s nothing. She wants to make sure everyone around her knows it’snothing.” He sighed. “We spent a day together, arealday, and it was wonderful. And yet these doubts were rekindled and I still can’t be anything more to her. She won’t even let me explain what I did!”
Roarke blanched. “That is familiar.”
Theo glanced at him. “Yes. I suppose it is. You hurt Flora and yet you came through it. How? How did you do it?”
“I remembered that she couldn’t trust me…yet.” Roarke moved toward him. “Bernadette can’t allow you to explain whatever it is you’ve done…yet. And can you blame her? She married a man who had no regard for her. She has lived a quiet life. And up until recently, you two were no more than friends and you were playing your way through London. Add to that whatever it was her father did or said today…how could she have faith in anyone if she can’t have it in herself?”
