He didn’t wait for an answer. He just turned and left, his heart throbbing as he saw his carriage in the street, the door open, Etta waiting for him inside. He could only hope that she would be open to hearing him out after receiving such terrible news about how he’d behaved in the past. If she wasn’t, he might lose everything that mattered to him.
* * *
Bernadette didn’t want to cry. She was fighting it with every part of her body and soul when Theo ducked into the carriage and it began to move. But when she looked at him across the way, his expression stricken and guilty, she felt a tear break free and slide down her cheek.
“Bollocks,” she gasped, and wiped it away.
He flinched at her reaction and drew a shaky breath. “Do you want to talk about what just happened?” he asked, his tone neutral, carefully so, she thought.
“What is there to discuss?” She turned away. “My father behaved in a perfectly predictable manner. What was surprising was that I finally stood up for myself."
He nodded. “You were so brave, Etta. I was so proud of you.” He leaned a little closer. “There will be a great deal of talking about that to come, I know. You’ll need to feel things about it. To let yourself grieve what you’ve lost. But when I asked if you wanted to talk about what happened, I…I meant about what your father said about me. About all those years ago.”
She turned her face. She couldn’t look at him when she was about to ask him a question to which she already knew the answer. “Is it true?”
There was a pause that felt like a chasm between them. Then he whispered, “Yes.”
“Then there is even less to talk about,” she asked, and hated that her voice broke. “We’ve never made promises to each other. I never thought you cared about me or wanted a future.”
He shook his head and there was panic that crossed his handsome face. “No.Thatisn’t true. I have bungled this from beginning to end, I know, but Etta, the one thing I know for certain, the thing I wanted to tell you last night and this morning and all day was that I—”
She could see what he would say. He would tell her he loved her, perhaps because of the fright last night, perhaps to try to soothe her battered self-worth after what her father had so cruelly done. Theo would mean it kindly and it would cut her to the bone.
She lifted a hand. “Please don’t, Theo. Don’t do that. Don’t say something that will only lead to more ruin in the future.”
His expression collapsed a little and he bent his head. He looked like he was trying to regain his composure as he took a few long breaths. At last he looked at her. “I haven’t earned the right to say that to you. I know. Especially after today. Nor have I earned the right to explain myself about what you father said to you. But what was said…what was done all those years ago, it isn’t what you think, Etta. And I hope you’ll be able to hear that at some point.”
She swallowed hard. He was being, as usual, so very kind to her. But he’d always been kind, even just a few hours after he’d apparently told her father that he’d rather die than marry her. So perhaps she couldn’t trust that kindness. Or at least she couldn’t be so foolish as to tie it to true feeling. It was possible she was as meaningless to this man as she had been to her first husband.
The idea that she could be meaningless to Theo made her chest ache.
He shifted slightly when she didn’t speak and inclined his head. “I realize you may need time. I arranged for us to return to your home.”
She recoiled a little. “Oh. Oh, I see. I must have misunderstood what our plans were.” God, he didn’t even want to take her to bed anymore.
“I thought after the encounter with your father, after everything you went through last night, you might like to have a little time to yourself. I very much still want you to come back to supper tonight, to join me and our friends. But I would understand if you…if you didn’t want to see me.”
She should have ended things then. Thanked him and refused his invitation and written him some letter that would cut off this thing between them once and for all. Now that she knew his feelings, that was best, she knew. But she couldn’t. She was desperate. She hated herself for it, but she couldn’t change it.
“I’ll join you tonight,” she said, hating how her cheeks flamed. “Whatever happens, I don’t want to make things uncomfortable for our friends. Or for you.”
His brow wrinkled and he looked pained at that response, but he didn’t argue. They were slowing in the turn on to Kent’s Row and he surprised her by reached into the inside pocket of his jacket to retrieve a plainly wrapped package, a small book by the look of it.
“I got you this. It was what I was talking to Mattigan about before your father intruded,” he said. “Perhaps you’ll have time to begin it before we see each other again.”
“Thank you,” she said softly, fingering the spine beneath the paper and wondering what title he might have picked for her. As the carriage stopped, he leaned in.
“I know you don’t believe me. After today, perhaps you have no reason. But I will think of you while we are parted,” he promised before he cupped her cheeks and gently kissed her.
She was so stunned by that declaration that she hardly had time to return the kiss before he pulled away, tapped on the door and allowed the servants to open it to help her out. He waved to her as she backed up onto the stair and watched as he pulled the door shut and left her to her devices.
As she should have wanted. And yet she felt empty now that it was true. Empty after what she’d learned. Empty at the thought that nothing between them had been real. Empty that she might have lost him.
She trudged into the foyer, saying as bright agood dayto her servants as she could manage. Then she moved toward her chamber upstairs, unwrapping the book Theo had bought for her as she did.
Her breath caught when the paper fell away.Emma, by the same anonymous author who had written two of her other favorite books of the last few years,Sense and SensibilityandPride and Prejudice. This new release had been very popular when it came out at the end of the previous year. It had been impossible to obtain.
And yet Theohadobtained it and given it to her. As if he knew her. Knew her likes. Her heart. Were those the actions of a man who would rather die than be with her? The actions of indifference?
