“And you’re young,” he said carefully. “And attractive. Of course you would think about a marriage when all your friends were finding their match. It’s natural you’d want that, Etta, and I’m…I’m sure you’ll find someone.”
She shook her head. He was saying the right things, she supposed. The same things Valaria and Flora would sometimes say, the same things her parents would say when she was forced to visit them once a month for icy, formal meetings. But whenTheosaid those words, it made her realize something and it bubbled from her lips before she could bid it back.
“It isn’t a marriage that I desire,” she whispered.
Now his eyes widened. “No?”
“I’m twenty-eight years old and you vastly overestimate my appeal to men looking for a match. Even if one wanted me like that, I don’t need their money or their position. I have both of those things on my own. No, it’s…it’s the…the…” She shook her head again. “I suppose I wish that I could take a lover.”
Theo had taken his own sip of punch, perhaps to look nonchalant as she stammered and struggled with the words to say something she should have kept to herself, but with that declaration he coughed and sent some portion of the drink bubbling from his lips.
He wiped the back of his hand across his mouth as he stared at her. “I beg your pardon?”
Oh, how she wished she could take that imprudent thought back now that she saw the horror on his face. He would see her differently after this. Their little friendship would change because he would know she was a wanton with lust on her mind.
“Never mind,” she grunted, and pivoted to walk away again and find a quiet corner where she might be able to shrink into dust and blow apart on the wind.
He caught her elbow, tugging her back before him, and now he felt very close as he stared down at her, searching her face, his expression one of concern and…and something else. Something more heated. Something she had to be imagining when her veins were pumping with finally spoken desires and just enough punch to get her in trouble.
“You can’t say something like that and just walk away, Etta,” he said.
She flinched at his use, yet again, of the nickname. It made her feel special when he called her that and she knew she wasn’t special. Not really. She pulled her arm away and folded them in an attempt to create a shield in front of herself.
“You needn’t look so shocked,” she choked out. “After all, I’ve heard the rumors about you. You don’t ever lack a bed partner.”
“It’s…it’s different,” he murmured.
She lifted both brows. The alcohol in the punch was beginning to settle into her blood and it loosened her tongue more than she would have chosen to do. But here they were. “That’s bollocks, Theo. Valaria and Flora prove that. Women have just as much passion and desire as men. So why wouldn’t I want…want…a lover?”
He blinked at her. “I-I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t know what to say?Youwith all your vast experience and knowledge of pleasure? Surely you’ve bedded women like me.”
He swallowed. “No, Etta, not like you.”
Those words hit her like a slap and she physically turned her head at what felt like rejection. “Fine. Soyouwould not want me. Well, I wasn’t asking you to bed me by bringing this up. However…” She stared at him, thinking of all she’d ever heard about his wild behavior. “That doesn’t mean you couldn’t help.”
“You want me to help you find a lover?” he gasped.
She flinched at the idea of this man she had fantasized about since she they were both young marching out and finding her a man to bed. A horrific idea. “I wouldn’t ask that. But perhaps you would answer some questions that I have.”
“Oh Christ,” he muttered. “Bernadette.”
She ignored his warning tone and the fact that he had reverted to calling her by her full name like she was a recalcitrant child. “For example, what do men want in a lover? How do you choose a lady to pursue for such things?”
With every question she asked, more popped into her head, and she found it impossible not to press him on them. After all, she’d already made a fool of herself, might as well get some vital information. Perhaps she would never pursue it, but now that the desire had been spoken, it was impossible to ignore.
“I can’t—” he began.
She refused to allow him to continue. “Especially when you are taking on a relationship with someone of your own class?”
“Please—”
“How would someone like me protect their reputation? How do you ask for what you…what you want? Once you’re to the bedding part, I mean? Do you just come out with it? Do you write a list of things you want to try or already know you don’t like? Is it a negotiation?”
He stared at her, speechless, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. She might have crowed at her ability to stymie him, for she’d never known Theo not to have something to say. It was only humiliation that made it impossible to gloat. He almost looked…horrified…and that took the wind out of her slightly tipsy sails.
“There you are, Theo.” Bernadette jumped at the sudden appearance of Callum at Theo’s elbow. He gave a warm smile to Bernadette before he said, “May I steal him, Bernadette? We’re doing a gentleman’s toast in the billiard room.”
