CHAPTER17
Valaria’s hands shook as she looked at herself in her mirror mounted above the fireplace in her parlor the next day.She hated what she saw.She was pale and made paler by the stark black of her mourning gown.Her eyes looked haunted, there were circles under them that showed she hadn’t slept at all the night before.She looked haggard.
She felt haggard.It was like all her armor had been stripped away.When she went to Callum’s, he would see that.
“Bollocks,” she muttered.
“That doesn’t sound promising.”
She turned toward the door and found that Bernadette was standing there, a bonnet in her hand.
“Good afternoon,” Valaria said, trying to make her voice light.“I didn’t expect you.”
“I didn’t let you know I was going to call,” Bernadette said as she entered the room and held up the hat.“I’m returning this.Thank you so much for loaning it to me.”
Valaria wrinkled her brow.“I loaned it to you a week ago.Were you coming to check on me?”
Bernadette blushed as she set the bonnet down on a nearby table.“Iwascoming to check on you.You were so quiet when you returned to the parlor last night and all the way home in the carriage.I’ve been worried about you, Valaria.”
“I suppose you should be,” Valaria admitted on a sigh.“I know I’ve been odd.I wish I could explain it.”
“Does it have to do with…with Callum?”Bernadette asked softly, pink filling her cheeks.
Valaria sank into a chair by the fire with a long sigh.“I suppose I’d be a fool to pretend that he didn’t have something to do with it.”
“Are you going to call on him today?”
“How did you know that?”
Bernadette smiled.“Your hair looks stunning and it has very fancy pins in it.You can only wear your black gowns, but you can make your hair pretty.I assume you and Fanny went through half a dozen iterations to get to this very style.”
Valaria lifted a hand to her hair.“Fanny was not pleased.”
Bernadette wrinkled her brow.“No?”
Valaria shook her head.She couldn’t explain that part to Bernadette either.So she focused on the part she could.“I…I think I must end things with Callum today,” she whispered.
Bernadette straightened.“Oh, Valaria.That is sad news.I watched you with him last night and you two seem well matched.”
Valaria shut her eyes.“Yes.”
“Couldn’t you work it out?Obviously it’s complicated with you not quite three months into your mourning, but discretion is possible and widows have more freedom.Perhaps we could talk it through and—”
“There are things you don’t know,” Valaria interrupted, and lifted her gaze to Bernadette’s.“You and Flora don’t know.Hedoesn’t know.Things I can’t tell you, both for my sake and for yours.”
Bernadette held her gaze.“I’m sure that’s true.”She reached out to catch Valaria’s hand.“And you owe none of us your secrets.But perhaps ifheknew, then he could help.He cares for you.”
Valaria caught her breath.She feared that was true and that was something she could and would lose.“He wouldn’t care if he knew what I withheld,” she whispered.“So it is better for everyone, him and me, to end it now before it only gets ugly.Before everything in my life shatters because of it.”
Her breath hitched on a sob as she pushed to her feet.“Thank you for returning the bonnet.I do appreciate it.I’m to meet him in half an hour, though, and my carriage will be ready in a few moments.”
Bernadette tilted her head.“Valaria, you mustn’t go like this.He’ll understand if you are late.Stay and talk to me.I’ll call for Flora.We can discuss it and—”
“No,” Valaria whispered.“I must go now.I must go before I’m too weak to do what I must do.”She made for the door.“See me out?”
After a long pause, Bernadette sighed heavily.“Yes.Of course.”
Her friend linked arms with her and together they made their way down the hall and down the stairs into the foyer.As Valaria’s carriage was brought around, Bernadette surprised her by tugging her into a tight hug.
