Chapter 9
Hannah sat on the settee in Sophie’s parlor, worrying a handkerchief in her lap and feeling her best friend’s regard as heavy as if it were a weight on her shoulders.
“You have nearly rent that in two,” Sophie said. “And I have never seen your expression so troubled. Out with it. All of it.”
Hannah glanced up at her and sighed. She had so much to say, and so much she knew she should withhold. And yet the events of the past week since her marriage, the past few days since her walk with Duncan in the park, were boiling inside of her.
“You’re going to judge me,” Hannah whispered.
“That is unlikely,” Sophie said. “I will offer advice if it is asked for, but that’s an entirely different thing. Please, you look as though you’re going to burst.”
“Oh, Sophie, I’m so confused,” Hannah said at last, putting her head in her hands. “I’m a fool, an utter fool.”
Sophie pressed her lips together. “What did he do?”
“Duncan? Nothing,” Hannah insisted. “Since our marriage he has followed the letter of our arrangement exactly. He’s been a wonderful lover—great God, I could never have imagined how good a man’s touch could be.”
“Well, that is something anyway,” Sophie said. “You deserve that kind of pleasure.”
“And he gives it freely. When we are in our bed, or anywhere else he deems he must have me, I feel the connection between us. It’s powerful and strong, and it grows every time he touches me. And at first, I felt that bond being developed even when he wasn’t taking me. We would lie in bed after, just talking. About nothing. About everything. He laughed and teased, he learned about what I liked and didn’t. He shared parts of himself. It was…blissful.”
Sophie nodded slowly, her expression reflecting that she had thoughts on this subject that she was keeping to herself…for now. “That changed?”
“A few days ago. We finally left our bed and I felt this shift in him. Like the moment we were back to reality, he realized he didn’t want me. Not truly. I tried to tell him that I expected nothing more. I told him I didn’t want more.”
“You lied,” Sophie whispered.
Hannah huffed out a breath. “Perhaps a little. You said you wouldn’t judge. I see it on your face, you know.”
Sophie shook her head, as if to clear the expression. “Not a judgment, I assure you. A statement of fact that we both know. So you told him you didn’t want more, and what happened?”
“Instead of reassuring him, it seems like it just made him colder. Since then things have changed. Oh, he still touches me. I cannot count the number of times I’ve been doing something mundane and suddenly he’s there, his mouth on me, his hands on me. He demands I sleep in his bed every night—I have not once turned the sheets in my adjoining chamber. But when we’re not entangled physically, he puts up a wall. And I…I don’t know what to do, Sophie. Help.”
Sophie reached over and caught her hands. Her seeing gaze pierced down to Hannah’s soul, and she shifted because she knew what was revealed.
“First you have to decide what youwant,” Sophie suggested. “Do you even know?”
“Him,” Hannah whispered, surprised at how easily that declaration fell from her lips even though it was terrifying. “I am an utter fool, I have ignored all the agreements we made before we married. I want him. More of him. All…all of him.”
“Of course you do. So why not tell him that?”
Hannah shook her head. “No, because we promised that we would not expect—”
“Yes, yes.” Sophie waved her hand dismissively. “I know all that. But the fact is that the man pulled away not when you began to merge your lives, but when you promised him that you didn’t require that merging. You two are adults. Have a conversation with him. The worst he will say is no, and then you’ll go on as you are now.”
Hannah let out a long breath. “You’re right, of course. It just seems so hard to let someone in and risk that they might hurt you. I’ve seen it before. I don’t want to go through it.”
Sophie nodded. “I know. I almost did the same thing with Rowan, if you recall, when we began. It would have been a terrible mistake not to risk it all. You two are going to the Ferndale ball tonight, aren’t you?”
Hannah sighed. “Yes. Our debut as a married couple.”
“Dance with him,” Sophie said. “Talk with him and laugh with him and then tell him what you want. Risk it all.”
Hannah shut her eyes. In the end, she knew Sophie was right. And if her heart was broken? Well, at least she would know she’d given it every chance at happiness.
“I will,” she said, and felt Sophie squeeze her hand in support. Only what she planned to do felt like it required more than a hand squeeze to get her through. She would need all her strength and all the emotions she had begun to feel toward Duncan. She could only hope he might feel a fraction of them in return.
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