He opened his eyes and swallowed back his tears. With great difficulty, he extracted himself from her embrace and stepped away. He stared down at her, fighting to put his mask, his façade back in place.
“Nothing happened to me, Marianne,” he said. “Icreated the hell I live in. I choose to stay outside of the world because I no longer merit a place in it thanks to my actions. Those actions were my fault and Ideserveto be alone. Now I want you to go.”
Her eyes went wide and her lips parted. “Alexander,” she began.
He pointed at the door. “Please,” he said, his tone a bit too loud. “I want you to go. Now.”
He thought for a moment that she would resist. Refuse. He tensed at the idea, for if she touched him again, offered him what he didn’t deserve, he knew he would take it. He’d never let it or her go.
At last, she nodded slowly. “If that is what you need, I’ll go,” she said softly, and moved for the door. There she paused and turned back toward him. “She wouldn’t want for you to live in such pain and such loneliness. You betray her as much by the choices you make now as by what you did back then.”
Those were her last words before she stepped from his study, closing him back into the room alone. Leaving her words to hang in the air and in his heart and mind, where they tortured him.
Chapter Ten
Marianne had not seen Alexander for three days. He hadn’t joined her for supper, he hadn’t taken her to his bed, he hadn’t even come out of his office. And she had no idea what to do. He had asked her to leave and now she wondered if he meant his home and his life, not just the room where he’d confessed so much pain to her.
Leave. That word had been ringing in her ears every moment since. Her mind was a cacophony of thoughts at all times. Where would she go? How would she survive? How would she protect her sister? But most of all, loudest amongst the fray, was how would she do without what she’d found here with Alexander? She craved being near him now, not just for the physical connection they shared, but for what he hid beneath his cold exterior.
If she was forced to walk away, she knew she would leave a piece of herself behind.
With a moan, she pushed her uneaten breakfast aside and put her head in her hands.
“Pardon me.”
She lifted her face as Alexander stepped into the room. He was dressed impeccably, shaved and bathed, like their time apart had never happened. But there was something in his face, a new expression that she recognized now. Because she’d seen past the mask.
“I’ll leave you alone,” he began as he backed toward the hallway.
“No!” she said, leaping to her feet. “Oh, no, please don’t go. I haven’t seen you in so long. Won’t you…won’t you join me?”
He hesitated, his blue eyes flitting over her from head to toe, his longing for her clear in his expression, but tempered by a wariness that hadn’t been there before.
She’d put it there by her actions, by her prying.
“In truth, I’m not hungry,” he said.
She stepped forward. “Then take a walk with me,” she suggested. “I’ve done some exploring on this beautiful property, but to have a guide who has lived here all his life would be a pleasure.” He seemed to consider the suggestion a moment, and she moved even closer. “Please.”
Softness entered his expression and at last he nodded. “Very well. A walk would likely do me good. I’ve been cooped up too long.”
“Then lead the way,” she said, motioning for the door. She wanted desperately to take his hand, but resisted. He was obviously struggling with what their relationship now was after their last encounter. The last thing she wanted to do was push him too hard.
She’d done that enough.
He walked out the front door and down the steps, then turned toward the long drive. She fell into step beside him, and for a while they were silent, the only sound their footfalls and the calls of birds as Marianne and Alexander moved away from the main house and down into the wooded area that surrounded it.
“Your family has held this property a long time,” she said, searching for a safe topic. “And you obviously take a great deal of pride in your duties here.”
He cast her a side glance. “Yes, I do. How do you know that?”
She shrugged. “I see it in the way you interact with those who serve you. And I noted that the pages of the books in your study that are about the surrounding area were well-worn from use.”
His mouth tightened a bit at the reminder that she’d intruded upon his space, but he didn’t draw away. Instead, he let out a long breath. “My father was a good man. Distant, but serious about his duties. I did not always follow in his footsteps, I fear. My sister encouraged me to do better, long before her death. So for the past five years, I’ve dedicated myself, and there have been dividends.”
They crested a hill, and Marianne caught her breath. Down below was a wide, green valley with a twisting creek that fed into a calm pond.
“It’s lovely,” she said. “I haven’t come this way before, so I’ve never found this.”
