Dearest Jane,
This is the point where I would have stopped responding to you. Not because I cut myself off, but because this letter would have inspired me to get on my horse and come to you. I would have come to you, Jane. I would have told you those lies about you that I believed. You would have deserved the same anger you feel now, but we would have had so much more time to overcome the falsehoods Arthur told. And the mistrust I allowed to separate us.
I would have come to you, Jane. Because I love you. I love you to the core of me. And I hope you will eventually forgive me.
Yours Always,
Colin
Her hands shook as she stared at his words. They were written in a messier hand. Like he was writing fast, driven to get out what was in his heart and his head. It was so strange to see that, because normally he was so composed, so calm.
His love for her had changed that. Made him desperate. It had opened his heart, broken down his walls and the shell he put around himself. It made everything he said all the more real. All the more important.
She set the letter aside and stared at the barrier before her. The door was all that separated her from him now. Not any secrets or lies, not his icy disdain, not even her pain. Just a door. And doors were meant to be opened.
She did so, her hands shaking, and slowly stepped into the antechamber. It felt like it took days to cross through the dim adjoining sitting room and reach Colin’s door. Another barrier to cross. Behind it, he waited for her. He was writing to her.
And when she opened the door, she would be opening her heart. If she opened her heart, he could hurt her. Or they could set each other free. And it was worth the risk to see which one would come to pass.
She turned the handle and stepped inside. Colin sat at his desk, hunched over a quill and paper. He was writing, just as she’d known he’d be writing. And he didn’t seem to hear her as she entered the room, he was so focused on whatever it was he was sharing with her next.
She stared at him a long moment. He was so handsome. So very strong. And from his work in the House of Lords, she also knew he could be caring. He could be just. Fear had kept him from showing her those things, but they lived in him. He was offering them, a bit late, perhaps. But now. In this moment.
She couldn’t walk away from that. Walk away from him.
“Colin,” she said, her voice rough and low.
His hand froze in midsentence and he slowly turned. His eyes widened when he saw her there in his doorway, and he pushed his chair back like he would rise.
She held out a hand to stay him, keep him in his seat as she walked across the room to him. If he stood and towered over her, all that masculine heat and energy swirling around her, she might not be able to get out what she wanted to say.
“You’re…you’re here,” he said, his voice shaking, filled with disbelief.
She nodded. “I am.”
She stopped at his shoulder and leaned over, looking at what he had been writing when she entered the room. She caught her breath at what it was. Over and over, he had written,I love you, Jane. Please forgive me.
He shifted and his gaze darted away. “Not very creative, I suppose, but I knew I would have come here by then, you see. Though I love reading your stories of your time in Applegate, I know that I would not have ever written a response to any more of your beautiful letters, because I already would have been here, making up for the pain I caused.”
She blinked at the tears that welled in her eyes. “And when you came to me, when you saw me here in person, what would you have said to me then?”
He gripped his hands against the arms of his chair and slowly eased to his feet. His breath came shallow, almost labored. His dark eyes were filled with fear and pain and honesty and hope…and love. She saw the love there, burning bright.
“That I’m so sorry,” he whispered, leaning in so his face was close to hers. “That I know we lost so many months together and that ismyfault, Jane. No one’s fault but mine. I hate that I can never get that time back, nor erase the scars my actions have put upon your soul.”
She caught her breath, her eyes burning with tears. He smiled just a little as he reached up to wipe one away with his thumb. He smoothed it across her cheek, cupped her chin, tilted her face closer.
“And I would tell you, Iwilltell you, that I’ll work every day for the rest of my life in order to make the time we have left perfect for you. To leave you with so many good memories that these bad ones will fade and eventually have less power. If I could be given a chance which I know I don’t deserve to earn your love.”
She stared into his earnest face, and a calm washed over her. It washed away all the rest, replaced it with gentle certainty. She smiled up at him and saw him catch his breath. Felt him lean in as she lifted her hands to cover his.
“Neither of us can erase what happened before,” she whispered. “And it will take some time for me to completely forgive you, to completely trust you again. But I must tell you one thing, Colin. You don’t need toearnmy love. You’ve had it all along, despite everything. You have it now. I love you.”
Colin stared at Jane, his heart swelling with emotion and his mind clearing of anything and everything but her.
“You—you love me?” he repeated. “How can that be after what I did?”
“I know you’re better than that,” she said softly. “And I am going to put faith in the belief that you will prove it to me over time, over the years we spend together. Just as I have faith that I will slowly ease the pain of your past, until you know that I am not related at all to what your former love did, or your cousin, or anyone else who damaged your heart.”
