Matthew turned toward him in concern when he trailed off. “Discovered?”
“My father believed I cared for Sarah for four years. He kept a damned list of every time I mentioned her.”
Matthew smiled slightly. “That sounds like him. A life of lists…”
“Oh, don’t—I’ve had that saying of his slapping my face too much recently,” Kit said with a shake of his head. “Matthew, there are dozens of times I mentioned her either to him or around him. Dozens and dozens. And I know I spoke to all of you about her, too, in the years since I overheard her talking to Meg.”
“I wouldn’t have called you fixated,” Matthew said gently. “But interested, yes.”
“So let us guess that I talked about her hundreds of times.” Kit stared out at her figure in the distance. Even from this far he recognized the twitch of her hips, the bounce of her gait. Because he’d been observing her, not just in judgment, but something more.
And he’d been too blind to see it. Or too afraid?
“What are you saying?” Matthew asked.
“That everything I believed, everything in my world, has been turned upside down, including whatever I thought was true about this woman.”
Matthew nodded slowly and then said, “I understand that, you know. I almost made the same mistake.”
“Mistake?” Kit repeated, glancing at him.
“You have realized that maybe you always cared, yes?” Kit couldn’t deny it, so he nodded and Matthew continued, “And that terrifies you because you thought you knew your mind and your heart. So now you’re putting up a wall. Like you did this morning.”
Kit couldn’t argue that. In his heart, he knew there was truth to it. Once again, he nodded.
Matthew held up his hands. “There’s the mistake. When I realized I cared for Isabel, despite everything I believed about her motives, I grew colder, too. I almost convinced her to give up on me. Can you imagine if she had? The woman saved my life. If I didn’t have her I would be…” He shook his head. “I’d be lost. Still lost.”
Kit sighed. “But my situation is different, isn’t it?”
“How? You are also dealing with grief and confusion and responsibility, and there she is…right in the middle of it all. Lighting up your world with just a glance.”
“How do you know that?” Kit asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
Matthew arched a brow. “Because anyone who sees you together can see it. This connection growing between you, that is alife.Yourlife, Kit. And if you throw that away because it scares you or confuses you or seems too intense for you, I can promise you’ll be sorry.”
Kit thought of Sarah’s terror that she would be dismissed, her desperation that he had allowed to thrive. He thought of taking what she offered and giving nothing back in return. He thought of how she believed that her life was already set out in front of her, so she had to be grateful for whatever scraps he gave her.
“I’m already sorry,” he whispered. “I’ve bungled this entire thing.”
“Good thing there’s still time to fix it,” Matthew said.
“Is there?”
Matthew’s expression grew distant. Sad in a way it rarely was anymore. “She’s still alive,” he murmured. “And as long as there is life, there’s a way to make up for what we’ve done. Tomorrow this house will be almost empty. Only Diana and Lucas will remain, and if there’s anything two spies can do, it’s disappear when asked. They’d probably even take Phoebe along with them if you asked them very sweetly.”
Kit chuckled. “Of course they would.”
“And you can fix it,” Matthew said, the smile fading from his face. “You can be honest with this woman, and with yourself, perhaps for the first time in years. Risk something. Offer something.”
“You mean marriage,” Kit said. And when those words passed his lips, they didn’t feel wrong. Or off. Or too fast. They fit. Just as he and Sarah fit.
“I mean that life you deserve, and so does she, after everything both of you have been through.” Matthew clapped a hand on his shoulder. “You have a life filled with friends who are all happily married. Give in to the herd, Kit. Make a life with this woman who lifts your spirits with just a glance over her shoulder. You’ll never be sorry for that, just sorry if you walk away out of some foolishness.”
Kit flinched at the same word his father had used to describe his infatuation with Sarah. Or perhaps it was about Kit’s denial of their connection all those years. Either way, it fit.
“I’ll think about it,” he said. “And how to approach her.”
“Good,” Matthew said, and wrapped an arm around him. “Now come on. The rest are in the billiard room and I want to watch you trounce James in a game before we all depart. You know he hates being dethroned as master of the table.”
