But then, she had been doing that all day. Not an expression of anger, nor of shame…but something different. Something that felt like she was rolling an idea around, judging him for his fitness.
How he felt about that, he didn’t know.
When she realized he was looking at her, she blushed and jerked her gaze back to the field. Graham and Meg had won the round and the couples were shaking hands. Now a new set of couples took their place. Katherine had been matched with James, while Baldwin, the Duke of Undercross, paired with Isabel as they began.
He watched Katherine play for a moment. James said something to her and she laughed. Robert’s stomach clenched. She was very pretty when she laughed. She had hardly smiled at him. And yet James, who would never look at another woman outside of Emma, could inspire a laugh.
He didn’t like being jealous, especially when it was so silly to feel that sharp emotion.
“Who do you think will go to the final in Emma’s little tournament?” Graham asked as he stepped up next to Robert and began to watch the round.
“She’s stacked the deck, just as you implied,” Robert said. “You and Meg will likely make it, against either James and Lady Gainsworth or Emma and Ewan.”
Graham chuckled. “You wound me with your implication. It cannot be true that she thinks I’m such an inferior player that she would wish to play against me to win a nonexistent prize.”
Robert shrugged one shoulder. “If the terrible aim fits.”
They were both quiet a moment, then he cast a glance at Graham. His friend didn’t know he and Katherine had spied upon his intimate moment with his wife. He had no intention of telling him, either. “I can’t believe you did not protest being separated from Adelaide. Your reunion at the ball last night was…”
Graham glared at him. “Did our love intrude upon your sensibilities, my friend?”
Robert kept the smile on his face, but he felt the sting of the question, even if it was only meant as a teasing statement. In truth, that had been the hardest thing to watch for him, both in the ballroom and in the parlor. Graham and Adelaide’s passion was obvious. Their love even more so.
“You and your love have nothing to do with me,” he grunted, perhaps a little more sharply than he intended.
“You’ve had this same conversation with so many in our group,” Graham said, pivoting to face him fully. “Are we going to do the same?”
Robert pressed his lips together in annoyance. “Why bother? I know every line of the song you are about to sing.Be better, Robert. Be different. You don’t belong anymore, Robert.”
Graham shook his head. “No one feels you don’t belong.”
“Of course you do—you are a band of married men now. I do not doubt that Kit will join you once his father is gone and he has settled into his role of duke. So that will leave me. And some part of you all must bring me to heel.”
“By asking you to be better than your worst impulses?” Graham asked, his tone suddenly very gentle. Like Robert was a child who needed soothing.
The effect was the opposite. He stepped forward, holding Graham’s gaze evenly. “You know what I’m doing right now?”
“Enlighten me.”
“What I want. Perhaps that is difficult for all of you because you’ve placed yourselves in scenarios where you no longer have the ability to do that. To pursue your own pleasure however you see fit.”
Graham arched a brow. “My pleasure is taken care of, thank you.”
Robert bent his head, thinking again of Graham’s expression as he made love to Adelaide. No one could say there wasn’t pleasure there. Passion. All the things he’d told himself could not exist in a marriage.
“I’m so tired of everyone pushing me to fit into their mold,” Robert spat. “So why don’t we just skip it, eh?”
He didn’t wait for Graham to respond. He turned on his heel and headed away from the party, down the hill toward the lakeside. He felt their stares as he disappeared from view. Felt their judgment, which he was certain would be discussed with clucked tongues once he was gone.
What he’d said to Graham was true. He felt himself on the precipice of losing his friends, his brothers. If he didn’t want to fall over it, he would have to change. It was obvious his true self was no longer good enough. That what had once been seen as harmless, fringe behavior was now seen as reason for expulsion from their ranks.
Worse, that judgment sat in his chest like a rock. Made him question himself on the deepest level. Made him think of things he didn’t to think about. Hate himself the way he didn’t want to hate himself because it made him feel like a man he despised.
He reached the lake and bent to pick up a stone. He was the champion of skipping rocks across the water. No one could beat him. But today when he tossed the rock out, it sank rather than skipped.
“Apropos,” he muttered.
“Your Grace?”
