“Of course. A dozen times, a hundred.” He scrubbed a hand over his face when her eyes lit up. “I picture us exactly as you do. Joyful, blissful, happy. For a time. Until you tired of being sequestered in the countryside. Until you were embarrassed by the whispers rather than enraged.”
Her lips parted. “You think so ill of me that I would beembarrassedby what people said? That I would holdthatover the feelings in my heart?”
“Even my uncle sometimes flinched when people said he’d taken on such a burden. When they asked him a dozen questions about my fitness.” He turned his face and signed. “I cannot imagine it would be any different for you.”
She made a soft sound. A sob, truncated as she bit it off. “Ewan, I have no idea if what you think of your uncle is true. I never saw him display anything but deepest love and kindness to you. I never heard him express anything but the most full-throated acceptance. I can only speak to myownheart. I can never imagine a time where I would feel anything but love for you. It’s always been that way, so long that my love for you is as much a part of me as my…hair or my eyes or the way I sign my name to a letter.”
“Would that remain the same when you knew I didn’twanta child?” he signed. He watched her face fall and knew the answer. “If I had come inside of you and we had married, but no child had been born of this day, would you have been hurt when I celebrated that fact rather than mourned it? Would you grow to hate me when I refused to give you a chance for motherhood?”
She stared, and he could see she didn’t understand. Couldn’t. What he felt deep in his bones and in his soul, she had never even considered.Thatwas where they were worlds apart.
“Why?” she whispered. “Why would you deny your title an heir and yourself an opportunity to love a child?”
He hesitated for a moment. In his mind’s eye he could see that child so clearly. A little girl with her mother’s bright smile. A little boy with her eyes. Golden children, a mix of both of them.
But he had one thing to give to that mix that made his heart almost stop.
“I would not force anyone else, especially anyone I loved, the life that I have led.” He jerked the words out slowly, painfully, his fingers feeling thick and useless with each one.
She swallowed hard and he could see she finally understood. “You—you fear your children would inherit your…”
“My brokenness,” he completed, an angry slash of his fingers that cut the air between them like a whip. “And so I will not marry, Charlotte. I won’t have children. I won’t risk destroying their lives. Your life, either by denying you a chance at motherhood or by making you watch while any child we created went through the hell I did. I won’t.”
She stared at him, unspeaking, unblinking. Her expression broke his heart, not only because it was filled with unspeakable pain, but also because it was now filled with understanding. He had finally found a way to make her see the same bleak future that he did.
And that did not feel like a victory.
He gathered up his clothes, shoving into his trousers, tugging his shirt over his head. She watched him do it, unmoving, unspeaking still.
“Are you leaving?” she asked at last, her voice raw and heavy with dark and painful emotion.
“I’ll help you dress,” he offered.
She hesitated a moment, then pulled her chemise over her head and stepped into her gown. When she put her back to him, it felt like she was turning away in a far more permanent way. He buttoned her dress, his fingers clumsy, his body far too aware of her. His mind too aware of the pain he’d caused.
When she was fixed, she faced him again. She seemed to be waiting, for what he didn’t know. Just waiting. And of course it was in that charged moment that there was a knock on the door.
Chapter Eleven
The sound of knuckles rapping on the wood of the door was like a gunshot, and Charlotte jumped at the sound. When she was alone with Ewan, even when the very worst exchange was happening between them, it was too easy to forget the world existed outside of the two of them.
At least it was for her. From Ewan’s painful words, it was obvious he was always fully aware of the world.
“Come in,” she called out as she stepped away from him. Away from his assertion that he would not have a child. It was still so very raw in her heart.
The door opened and Smith was revealed. He might have guessed what they’d been doing, despite the fact they were dressed again, for his cheeks were bright with color. He fiddled with his hands behind his back as he refused to look either of them in the eye.
“Your Grace, I’ve received word from the men down at the river.”
Ewan had still been watching Charlotte, but now he jerked his attention fully to his servant. He dug in his pocket and Charlotte sighed. “I can translate,” she offered. “Unless you feel it would be intruding on your business.”
Ewan shook his head and signed, “No, that would be helpful. Thank you.”
She forced a smile at Smith. “What is the message, Smith?”
The butler’s gaze held gentle on hers for a beat before he said, “The river has dropped significantly today. Enough that the men would like to know if they can remove the barrier.”
Ewan pondered it a moment and looked out the window. The sky was still gray, but it was a pale, impotent color. “Give it another day,” he signed, and she translated. “But tomorrow afternoon they may remove it as long as there is no rain.”
