Celia laughed a little. “That is exactly what they would do for both of us. So let’s hide here together a bit, shall we? Avoid the well-meant but overbearing attention of those who love us most.”
She sat down in the chair opposite Felicity and the two women looked at each other evenly. Felicity could see Celia’s worry on her face, just as she knew her own was apparent. Only Celia seemed a little more at peace with it all.
“You must be accustomed to this,” she said.
Celia shook her head. “Not at all. Oh, when we first met, John was in the service of the king, but I didn’t know that, nor did I know how much danger he was in. And once that case was over, once the truth came out and we married, he left the War Department. So this is new territory for me, too.”
“And yet you seem so calm,” Felicity said, getting to her feet and beginning to pace the room restlessly. “I feel like I’ll jump out of my skin.”
Celia got up and moved a step toward her. “If I seem calm, it is merely on the surface, I assure you. I’m worried. But I have great faith in my husband’s abilities. And he’ll take good care of Asher, as well.”
“I’m certain he will,” Felicity said with a sigh.
“It’s hard,” Celia said, her voice softer now. “When you love them.”
Felicity jerked her gaze to her friend’s face. “Love them? Love Asher?”
Celia leaned back, incredulity replacing concern in that moment. “Please don’t bother to deny it. Of course you love Asher. It is in your eyes, on your face, in your voice.”
Every denial Celia said she shouldn’t make rose up in Felicity and then was replaced by the dull fear that Asher might be injured or killed trying to help her. Denying she loved him seemed like a crime heaped on a crime.
“I imagine your feelings are difficult for you, considering what you went through in your marriage,” Celia continued when she was silent.
Felicity pondered that. “Yes,” she admitted at last. “It is difficult. Of course I don’t think Asher is anything like Barbridge. But…but trusting anyone is hard. Asher especially.”
“Why especially?” Celia pressed.
Felicity took a breath. “I-I don’t—”
“Think of it as a way to keep my mind from fearful thoughts,” Celia said.
Felicity smiled despite herself. “You are cruel. You know I won’t deny you if you say that.”
“Of course you won’t,” Celia said.
Felicity bent her head. “Very well. I loved Asher from the time I was a girl. I hardly remember a time when I didn’t love him. But when he had a chance to…to love me back…he just left. He walked away from me and never looked back. That is why I don’t trust him, trust myself. It’s nothing to do with the abuse in my marriage.”
Celia pressed her lips together and she seemed to be pondering what Felicity had said. She found herself hoping Celia didn’t judge Asher too harshly for leaving. Even though she did, herself.
At last Celia paced to the window and stared out into the garden. “Asher reminds me of John, you know. It’s why they’ve become such fast friends, I think.”
Felicity nodded and her smile came swiftly. She had noticed how close John and Asher had become. She liked that he fit so easily with all her family, all her friends.
“Yes,” she said when it was clear Celia was waiting for an answer.
“John came from far humbler beginnings,” Celia continued. “When you start on the outside, I now understand it feels impossible to get inside.”
Now it was Felicity who pursed her lips, for that was exactly what Asher kept saying to her and it felt like such a silly argument.
“But hewasinside!” she protested. “He was a friend to our family and he was treated as such by both my brothers, by Elise, by me!”
“His father served,” Celia said evenly. “Heserved.”
“Y-yes,” she admitted, for there was no denying it.
“Then he was never fully inside, no matter how kindly you all treated him. In his mind, he was separate. And I would wager in his father’s mind, as well.”
Felicity thought back to those happy days when they’d played together. And how often Seyton would come to their circle, smiling apologetically, taking Asher away. She remembering overhearing him once telling the boy she loved to “recall his place”. She remembered Asher winking at her when he was wearing his footman’s livery and then dashing his gaze to his father to make certain Seyton hadn’t seen.
