She clasped her hands to keep them from shaking. “I’ve been thinking about it since your arrival. Everyone else in this house is too tied to our family to be useful. But you…you are not.”
His face went still. “Am I not?”
“Well, you are, but in the best way. You were the son of a servant, and one who left our employ. If you presented yourself as disgruntled, vengeful, you might be believed.”
She had expected him to show interest in the idea, perhaps even excitement that she’d struck on a way to trick the man who held the guillotine over their heads.
Instead, Asher frowned deeply. “You think I’d be the best candidate because I’m not one of you.”
“Yes!” she said with a smile, trying to encourage him to think about it.
But instead he went stiff, his shoulders going back and his jaw clenching. “Excuse me,” he said, then turned on his heel and walked away.
She stared after him, utterly confused. She hadn’t meant to hurt him, but from his expression it was clear she had. And that broke her heart in ways she didn’t want to examine too closely.
But she knew she couldn’t leave things like this, so she followed him and hoped she could make up for whatever she had just done.
Asher clenched his fists at his sides and tried to make his breathing return to a normal rate. He had no right to be upset over what Felicity had proposed. After all, it made a good deal of sense.
But hearing her say out loud that he was the best person to act as an agent against the family because he didn’t belong…because he was an outsider…that hurt more than he cared to admit. Because he’d always known it. He’d fought it and fought against his father’s admonishments that he remember it.
Now it slapped him in the face.
“Asher.”
He stiffened at Felicity’s soft voice behind him and turned to look at her. She was utterly beautiful, the golden light of autumn playing off her features, making her honey hair glint. But she was a goddess and he was a mortal. Whatever he touched or took was stolen.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she said.
He ducked his head, sorry that she had been able to guess his feelings. They were foolish to have at all. “You didn’t,” he lied.
She folded her arms. “Please, Asher, you are speaking to the queen of hiding emotions. I know them when I see them, so don’t sport with me. I hurt you and I want to make amends.”
He set his jaw. There had never been any hiding with her. That was still true. “You didn’t hurt me,” he insisted. “I just…I forgot something and your statement a moment ago reminded me. I did this to myself and it is not your responsibility to repair it.”
“What did you forget?” she asked, moving toward him a long step.
He swallowed hard, then he said it. “I don’t belong here.”
Her lips parted and her face crumpled with pain of her own as she stared at him in wild disbelief. “What are you talking about, Asher? You have always belonged here.”
He shook his head as he looked at her. “You cannot be so naïve, Felicity. You know what I am.”
“What are you?” she snapped. “Tell me what you think you are.”
“I’m a servant’s son,” he said, his voice elevating at last in his frustration. “Born of nothing.”
“Not of nothing,” she insisted. “I have known many men in my life. My husband, Elise’s first husband, they were both seen as men of elevated stature and they were worth nothing. Less than nothing. And I have seen servants behave with valor and decency and the worthiness of kings. Including you, including your father. If I implied anything less, then or now, it was never my intention.”
“A fine sentiment,” he said. “And appreciated. But seeing the value of a person who is your lesser is not the same as seeing them as equal. I am not equal. I was allowed to pretend sometimes, but at the end of the day, I always went back to the servant quarters. I always had to finish my duties before I had my fun. And I always knew that I was not equal. I never forgot it. Even when I…even when I tried to.”
Her hands began to shake and her lower lip trembled slightly before she gasped out, “Is that why you left?”
He thought of that night when he left. He thought of finally giving in to the feelings he had for her, the desires that seemed so out of control. And he thought of his father’s furious face a few hours later, when he had confronted Asher with what he knew. With what they would both lose. It was like a bubble had been burst or his wings stripped away.
Back to earth he’d come, crashing all the way to the ground.
He lifted his chin. “You and I both know it never would have worked, Felicity.”
