“The man was the Earl of Stalwood,” Clairemont finished with a slight smile for Celia. “And he asked me if I’d like to be a spy.”
She drew back, he mouth open in shock. “Stalwoodtook you in?”
He nodded. “Once I stopped fighting him, I became his ward. He taught me how to be a spy, but also how to be a man. A person. I learned to read, to write. At first I hated it, but ultimately I soaked it in. I loved it, and I loved the rest, too. And Stalwood was…” He trailed off and his voice caught. “He was the first flicker of kindness in a dark world full of hate and pain. I owe him my life, you see. Both the part of it that meant I didn’t die and the part of it where I truly began to live. To see myself as worthy. Sothatis how I became a spy. A long answer to a question you may be sorry you asked now.”
“Not at all,” she said. “You told me more than I ever would have expected. And I understand so much more now about who you are. I suppose I hate Stalwood less, too.”
He frowned. Of course she would despise his mentor. Stalwood had taken responsibility for using her in their plan. For manipulating her. He had a feeling the earl had done it for him. Yet another thing he’d never be able to repay.
“You shouldn’t hate him at all,” he said softly. “Whatever happened, my actions have been my own. If you hate anyone, hate me.”
Her face fell slightly and she reached for him. She cupped his cheek. “I could not hate you. I might have wanted to when the truth came out, but it was never possible. And now that I’ve heard it all, I even understand it. As for Stalwood, he saved you.”
“Yes, he did.”
“And brought you to me. That trumpsalmosteverything else.” She laughed. “Not that he cares about my judgment of him.”
“You would be surprised,” Clairemont said. “He may seem stern and unfeeling, but there is a great deal more to him than that.”
“I will take your word on it, as you know him best,” she said. “I want to say something to you.”
He nodded, bracing himself for the worst. Readying for when she would pull away from the damage he had just revealed to her.
“I’m so sorry for the pain you have endured,” she said. “I ache for the child you once were, alone and afraid. I wish nothing more than to be able to comfort him, protect him.”
“Of course you do,” he said, picturing for a brief, wild moment, just that. Except the child he imagined her picking up to comfort wasn’t him, buthisson. Their son. He pushed the image away.
“But more than that, I am infinitely impressed by the man you’ve become, Aiden.”
He flinched as she used that name that wasn’t him again. It drove home the fine blade that he was nothing, still nothing, he’d never be anything more than nothing. That he was an illusion, not a man.
“The man who lies for a living,” he said, getting up and walking away. He grabbed for his trousers and pulled them back on, keeping his back to her. “The one who just took your virginity.”
“Freely given,” she said, her voice soft in the quiet room.
“It doesn’t matter,” he snapped, facing her. It was impossible to look at her. She was so beautiful, gathered up in his bed, his sheets.
No, not his bed. Not his sheets.Nothis woman.
“I have destroyed your future, Celia,” he said.
Her eyes went wide. “Aiden, please! There could still be a future.”
“What, for us?” he asked, laughing though there was no humor or goodness in what he felt. “Don’t you understand? There isnoAiden. There isnous. There isnofuture. This night was stolen, something that we shouldn’t have done, no matter how pleasurable it was.” With every word, her face crumpled further. “When I’m gone, the best thing you can do for yourself is to forget me.”
She lifted her chin slightly, but her defiance couldn’t mask her pain. Unlike him, she wasn’t as practiced at the act. He saw it there, as clear on her face as the fact that she foolishly cared for him. Him, a ghost. A phantom. A lie.
“And what will you do when you’re gone?” she asked.
“Forget you.”
He said the words. He even said them with strength. But they were a lie, the deepest and darkest one he’d ever told. He would never forget her. Her smile, her laugh, her touch, her body, how he loved her…those things would be with him every moment of every day until he finally breathed his last.
But she didn’t know that. He made her believe it by the way he said those words. By the expression he forced himself to take.
The color drained from her face. “I see.” She lifted the sheets to cover herself, and in that moment, he knew he’d lost her completely. “Well, then it seems I have all I came from. If you’ll excuse me while I dress, you can return me to Gray’s house.”
He nodded, for he knew what she requested was best for her. It was, after all, what he had created by rejecting her. But it had never hurt more to walk away from anything then it did when he turned on his heel and exited the chamber. He shut the door behind him and leaned his forehead on the barrier, clenching his fists to keep from bursting back inside.
