“The scissors,” I say, pointing to my sterile tools spread out on the side of the bed.
He hands them to me. My mama’s scissors, and I clamp the baby’s cord, wrap him in a thin blanket and place him on Miriam’s chest.
The cries of happiness and squeals of excitement whirl around me, but my job isn’t through. I need to deliver the placenta and make sure the bleeding stops.
I press on her lower abdomen to help the placenta move along and deliver it, quickly placing it into the metal basin.
Blood is spurting, not slowing. It’s gushing, soaking through the cloths.
“I need more cloths,” I state for whoever can get them to me fastest.
Stefan hands me a bundle and I press them beneath Miriam’s bottom. “Is she all right?” he asks quietly in my ear. His voice ghostly.
Again, I don’t answer.
I peer into the metal basin at the placenta, spotting a jagged edge. With another look at Miriam, I notice a blue tinge covering her lips, her eyes, half-lidded. I press on her belly, finding it too soft. The uterus hasn’t clamped shut. Partial retained placenta. She’s going to bleed out if I don’t?—
“Philip why don’t you take the baby for a moment,” I suggest, calmly though I’m screaming inside. He questions me with a look in his eyes, and I can’t stall to answer or explain.
“Is everything—” he begins.
“Miriam, this might hurt, but I need to extract the rest of your placenta. Everything will be all right. I just need you to breathe through this with me.” She’s too weak to acknowledge what I’m saying. The blood is coming too fast.
I reach inside of her and sweep my fingers across the uterine wall, finding a trailing edge of the placenta still attached. I loosen my fingers, trying my best to keep a steady hand, a steady mind, and confidence that I can do this. I can save her.
Like I should have been able to save Mama.
The last piece gives with a sudden release, slipping into my hands. I drop it into the basin and immediately press my hands to her belly to massage the hollow part of her uterus to stimulate a contraction.
“Mama?” Eloise cries out.
Eloise is me, standing in the corner, watching her world crumble.
Stay with me, Miriam. You can do this. I can do this.
A long hard breath escapes Miriam’s lips, and I release my pressure on the cloths to see if the bleeding has slowed.
It has.
“She’s going to be all right,” I say, my voice quiet and crackling.
I stare at the blood-soaked cloths again.Mama needed someone to save her.
A hand loops around my arm as the room seems to spin. “Rosalie. Come here.”
A cold sweat breaks through my body and my knees grow weak. The gloves are peeled from my hands and I’m moving but can’t feel my feet. The air changes and I’m no longer in the bedroom.
Warm hands settle on my cheeks. “Look at me.” My eyelids are heavy, but I focus on Stefan’s face. “What’s wrong?”
Tears fill my eyes and my throat tightens. I can’t hold it back. I’m supposed to be the strong one here. I should be watching Miriam, helping the baby latch.
“I thought I was going to lose her,” I say, gasping for a breath.
Stefan smiles, the smile that continuously warms my heart. “You saved her life. You delivered a healthy baby boy. You gave our family something no one could give us before.”
My chin trembles. My heart hurts so much and this feeling—this ache—this black hole inside of me will never close. I don’t want to feel pain anymore. I don’t want to feel the guilt.
“It was my fault my mother and sister died. I couldn’t let that happen to Miriam.”
