I notice my parents have made their way over to Frau Alesky and are sitting with her. I hope she tells them what’s happened. They’ll comfort her.
Papa stands up from their table only a moment after taking a seat and makes his way over to Danner, pulling him away from Felix and David. The two have a talk in the corner and I wish I knew what they might be talking about.
“Is everything okay?” Otto asks. “Do you like the beer?”
I shake my head, trying to release myself from this trance I’m in, and turn to face Otto. “Yes, of course. I’m just making sure everything is going the way it should.”
“You seem upset.”
“I’m not,” I say, maybe too quickly to be believed.
“Okay then. I’m going to go check on the food order. I’m sure everyone is hungry.”
“That’s a good idea. Thank you.”
Another kiss on my cheek from Otto is like a silent alarm for Danner to glance over at me while still speaking to Papa.
I can’t do this. I can’t act like this is okay. Just because Danner said there could be nothing more than friendship between the two of us, doesn’t mean he should have to watch Otto taking his place. I know the truth and so does Danner.I decide it’s going to be now or never that I speak to Danner because I’m not sure I can go through the night like this, acting like everything is the way it should be.
I try to pace my steps, rather than run to him like I would any other day. He and Papa notice I’m approaching, and Papa places his hand on his shoulder. “We’ll talk later, son,” he says before making his way back to the small table of parents.
“This is a great party,” Danner says.
“Happy Birthday,” I offer, as if it shouldn’t be assumed.
“I wish,” he says.
“I wanted—we all wanted you to have a wonderful birthday.”
Danner stares at me as if I should be able to read the thoughts brewing behind his eyes. “Being here, with you…and the others, there’s not much more I could ask for.”
“We both know that isn’t quite true. I’m sorry if I’ve added more stress to what you’re going through today. I had no idea…”
“Don’t do that. You have never added stress to my life, Emi. You have no control over the world right now, no more than I do, and you couldn’t have known what was going to happen today.”
“But you’re in pain. I can see the pain in your eyes.”
I recognize the feeling, but for a different reason. It pains me, knowing I can’t do something to help him.
I used to lose myself in a daze, staring at his beautiful smile, eager to be near him. Now, I’m not allowed to feel that way, and knowing so silently breaks my heart every time I see him.
“I can see the pain in yours too, Emi.”
My heart feels swollen, like it’s pressing on my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe. “You’ll always have me in your life. You know that, right?” I say, realizing my words won’t make anything better.
“I’m not sure we’ll always have anything. Nothing is set in stone anymore. Our city lost its synagogue last week. I lost my father to the Nazis this morning. I couldn’t even say goodbye.All I have left from him now is a note telling me he went to get bread. There’s no more. So, I’m not sure what is certain now.”
“Me, Danner. I’m not going anywhere. Don’t you believe me?” I’m not sure offering myself up as something he can hold on to will do anything to fix the grief and worry about his father being taken away, but I want him to know we should always hold onto hope. I can offer hope, even if it’s the least I can do.
“I can’t have you, Emilie. Legally, I can’t be with you. So, I’m glad you and Otto have found a connection because if you can’t be with me, I’d be happy knowing you’re with someone we both care about. Nothing will change, and it won’t be long before it’s illegal even to be friends with us Jews, trust me. I do appreciate you finding the one place that will still allow me inside though. I know it isn’t a simple task.”
“I’ve hurt you because?—”
“Because I told you, I wouldn’t put you in danger by getting any closer to you than I am right now. You fought me on the decision, and I fought back. I won, and I’m glad I did. It’s the only way I can protect you.”
I close my eyes, pain slicing through my heart. “I shouldn’t have said yes to Otto when he asked me out a couple of weeks ago. He told me you encouraged him to go for it, and it hurt me, so I said yes. Things just kind of evolved from there.”
“I did encourage him because I don’t want you to be alone. You and Otto should be together. I want—you to be together. You deserve a happy and protected life.”
