“Good.”
“Are you?”
“Yes,” he says. “My butt is cold.”
“It could be worse. We could be sitting directly on the ice and have wet butts too.”
Brody pauses our conversation to check on Hannah’s location, but she’s listening to an artist behind one of the displays talk about the sculpture.
“Thank you for joining us tonight,” he says.
“I thought you were rethinking your mistakes with me from last week.” I’d rather be honest than pretend like I wasn’t feeling mildly off after he left.
“Mistakes?”
I fold my arms over my chest to warm the chill running through my body. “I didn’t know what was on your mind, I guess.”
“Well, what’s on yours?” he counters.
“A lot.”
“Me too, but probably for different reasons. We have a connection, I can feel it, but I want to make sure I don’t screw this up by being myself, either,” he says.
The irony of Melody telling me to be myself tonight and he’s saying he’s afraid to screw up by being himself.
Brody looks for Hannah again before responding. “There’s something about me that people don’t like, including my daughter. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t keep a marriage or any relationship going, so I’m sure I’m doing something stupid. So, I sometimes purposely act like a jackass to fulfill everyone’s predetermined assumptions of me.”
I’m caught up, looking into his eyes, seeing a hint of pain reel through his expression. “So, you think if you act like a jackass to me and I stick around, I’ll be more likely to put up with you when you’re not acting like a jerk?”
Brody smiles proudly. “You understand.”
I close my eyes and nod my head. “No, but yes, I suppose.” When my eyes open, he’s staring at my lips, and I’m not sure he realizes where his gaze is, but I don’t say anything to make him stop.
“What’s your vice?” he asks, still studying my mouth.
“Shutting the world out to avoid panic.”
“Is your pain more from what happened in high school, or what recently happened to your dad?” He’s forward, which I appreciate more than someone beating around the bush.
“Both,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t know if I can find a normal way to live and figure out how to blend into society. I’m not sure if that makes sense to you or not, though.”
“Who cares what society thinks?”
“I try not to care, but for a while, I felt like the world was watching me, every person at the same time. It made me want to run away.”
“Run away?” Brody asks.
“I ran away.”
Fourteen months was how long I sat by Adam’s side, day in and day out, without an ounce of hope for improvement. I had plans to leave Vermont, but the more I thought about leaving, the more I realized Mom and Dad would want to keep tabs on me and constantly know where I am. The only way to get a clean break was to leave everything behind, including any form of communication. I had the important numbers with me and could call if needed, but I didn’t want anyone to reach out to me, even if it meant I would hear something positive about Adam. Through every fiber in my being, I felt the need to run away. It hurt. It hurt like hell to do this to Mom and Dad after being the best parents a girl could wish for. This wasn’t about them, though. It was selfish but being selfish was the only answer to my problems.
I left in the middle of the night with a packed bag, nothing bigger than what I could carry with two hands. It would be enough to get me through a week before needing a laundromat. I had money in savings, enough to get by for a few months, maybe longer. I was saving for something more logical like the education I gave up or a place to live on my own—maybe even a new car but running away didn’t have a price tag. It was my only option.
A pep talk to my crappy green Neon was the best I could do, begging the hunk of metal to make it to wherever I would end up. My map of the United States rested in the passenger seat, and the music was my companion.
I thought ofForrest Gump, how he ran around the country and wondered if someone could truly do such a thing. I was feeling the fulfillment by driving. I made it to Chicago before my car died a slow death on the side of Interstate 90. The car overheated, and the temperatures had hardly reached fifty. I had driven through the night, staying alert with copious amounts of caffeine and sugar. The cost to repair the damage was more than I had on me, which meant I had to move onto plan b.
I stood on the side of the road and hiked my thumb up in the air. My heart pounded, and my throat became dry. I knew how stupid my plan was, but at that moment, I had made peace with the unknown outcome of my life. If I wasn’t meant to live through this trip, I wouldn’t live through anything. If there was anything I learned in the previous year, nothing may work out like you plan for, and life can flip upside down quicker than a blink.
