"My girls are all home," he says, his voice sounding hoarse.
Journey has been living in a studio apartment down the street for the last year, so they have been knee-deep in their empty nester’s syndrome. They had these plans for after we both moved out on our own. They wanted to vacation more and visit islands they had never been too, but they didn’t make it to any of the islands this year. Dad is also a workaholic and refuses to consider retiring at sixty-five.
After Mom and Journey step inside, Benji, our sixty-pound husky, paws all of us with a welcoming whine. I nuzzle the side of my head into Dad’s chest, needing this hug more than I’ve needed anything else. I can count the times on one hand when I have seen him walking around the house wearing a white t-shirt and an old pair of sweatpants. "I won’t let this new generation of professionals convince me that ties are outdated," he would always say.
Dad wraps his arms around me, but the embrace is loose and frail. He’s frail. I can feel it. His breath shudders as he leans down to place a kiss on the top of my head.
He struggles to nudge my shoulders away from him so he can look down at me. The second I look into his eyes; all I notice are the red veins encircling his green eyes—one of his dominant features, which matches my own. The veins in his eyes are red. "I’m sorry about the letter, kiddo," he says.
"When were you going to tell me?"
I have been trying to block out the thought of this question, but was he hoping to avoid giving me this news?
"Your mother has been on my case for the last two weeks to inform you both, but I couldn’t muster up the courage, knowing I was going let you down."
"No matter what happens in this world, I am your father, and I will always be here for you and Journey. You are my world, and nothing could keep us apart."I was ten when he made that promise. A promise he didn’t know he wouldn’t be able to keep someday.
I want to ask him the questions I already know the answers to:
Can you get a second opinion?
Are you sure you’re dying?
Maybe there’s a new trial?
Can a miracle happen?
The only question I don’t have the answer to is:what does it feel like to be dying?I don’t want to know the answer.
"You didn’t bring Ace home with you, huh?" Dad asks, wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he closes the heavy wooden door.
Before I answer, Dad lifts my left hand and nods his head. "Well, at least he didn’t do something stupid without talking to me first."
Dad won’t be around to give anyone his blessing to marry me now.
He won’t be able to walk me down the aisle when I get married someday.
There won’t be a father-daughter dance.
"I broke up with Ace.”
Dad releases my hand and pulls me back into his chest. "Oh, sweetheart, it wasn’t because of me, was it?"
I nod my head against him. "No, not at all. Ace is selfish, Dad. I don’t know if he could ever care for a family the way you cared for ours, and I want to be with someone who loves his family the way you always have."
"Sometimes, men don’t grow up until they’re older, Melody."
"I got tired of waiting a long time ago. I was holding on to hope, but hope isn’t enough for me." As the words spill out of my mouth, I realize Dad must feel the same about his life. "You don’t need to worry about me, Dad. I’m fine, I’m home, and it’s the only important thing.”
"I never doubted your ability to make the right decision, and I feelconfident you will have a perfect life, as you have always wanted. Plus, you’ll have a new guardian angel watching out for you." Dad’s words melt into an elongated breath. My throat tightens, and my eyes burn, threatening to release the tears I need to hide for his sake.
"How do you feel right now?" I ask.
My gaze fixates on his hand, pressing against the stairwell banister, his knuckles are white and his fingernails purple. "I’m tired a lot. I have little energy, but I’ll tell you ... it beats chemotherapy."
"Was there any chance the chemo would work?" I shouldn’t ask, but I must know the answer.
"Slim, but the result would be a few more months at most," he says with a sigh. "That’s not how I want to spend this precious time."
