"To the train," I said, pointing to the left. Only one out of five would stay in Theresienstadt. "To the train."To your death, is what I was saying.
My words were on repeat until the sun had set. I was ill when I walked away. I needed someone to talk to, but what would I say? I just sent a thousand people off to their death today. The lucky ones would still get tortured here.
I was on my way to the gates, leaving freely for the evening. Even that felt like a sin when so many people were sleeping on wooden planks against one another.
The open square between the blocks was on my way, and I spotted Amelia registering her last three patients.
She knew not to call out to me, but her gaze found mine for a split second before glancing back down at her list. "There's a mess over there, you know," I spoke out, marching toward her. "Why haven't you cleaned it?"
"I—" she mumbled.
I took her by the arm and tugged her back behind the dark block. "Are you okay?" she asked.Was I okay?Amelia was always worried about me whenshewas the prisoner. "You look ill, Charlie."
"I'll be all right," I told her. "I sent a lot of people … away. I'm a murderer, Amelia."
Amelia placed her clipboard down and squeezed her hands around my shoulders. She shouldn't have been touching me. If anyone saw …
"You are not a murderer, Charlie. We're both following orders, yes?"
"Ja," I replied. "But I still do not feel better. I sent people to die."
I wasn't sure if Amelia knew where other prisoners were ending up, and I hadn't found information on her brother or father yet. The lists were not accessible to me, though I had looked.
"To die?"
"I have been told this, ja," I said.
"You wouldn't have been able to stop it, just as you wouldn't have been able to prevent it if you were on the other side."
I lost myself in her caring gaze. Amelia's bewitching eyes sang me a lullaby and could calm me even in the most horrendous of circumstances. It shouldn't have been possible. "How can you have so much forgiveness for me?" I questioned. I couldn't understand why she didn't hate me.
She should hate me.
Amelia shrugged her shoulders. "Because it looks like you need a hug. A person who needs a hug can't be all that bad, right?"
I did need a hug, and I needed to cry too. Amelia looped her arms beneath my elbows and rested her head on my chest. She offered me whatever warmth she had, and she hardly had any to start.
"Thank you," I offered.
"Feel better?" she asked, stepping away.
Nothing in the world could make me feel better after what I had spent my day doing. "Your kindness is appreciated." Then, I did something I shouldn't have done. I kissed that beautiful woman on the cheek.
Amelia placed her hand on the part of her cheek I kissed, gazing up at me with her breathtaking stare. "Charlie," she sighed with shock.
"I'm so sorry, Amelia."
I ran off without thinking that another soldier could find Amelia behind the block where she shouldn't have been. By the time I reached the front gate, I had thought enough to turn around and make sure she returned to her assigned spot in front of the medical door.
"Charlie, wait up," I heard as another guard allowed me to walk out through the gate. "I'm leaving now too. Let's grab some supper." It was Claude. We hadn't had a lot of time to spend together in a while, and the idea of company sounded better than sitting in a couple's apartment alone.
"Ja, that sounds good." We were forced to walk farther into town then since much of the area had been blocked off for a place to hold prisoners.
The pub where we ended up at was dark and dismal inside. The crowd was not lively, and was mostly made up of other SS officers like ourselves. It wasn't hard to find a table that night. Claude looked as exhausted as I felt, but who were we to complain? "I didn't think things could get worse," Claude said with a heavy sigh.
"Things can always get worse," I countered.
"Some of the men are losing their minds, Charlie. I can see this look in their eyes like they believe killing Jews is the only answer."
