“So, what do you do for work?” Am I speed-dating? I don’t want to speed date. However, I do want to go eat a bag of popcorn and watch a sappy movie.
“I’m an oral surgeon,” he responds. “I—ah,” he laughs quietly again. “Let’s just say I fill a lot of holes.”
Oh my God. Am I supposed to laugh now? Is that … like a joke? I’m usually the one with the accidental dirty puns, but his is purposeful. It’s totally purposeful.
He snorts through his nose and leans forward, bucking with laughter. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I had to use my joke. My motto is ‘Max to the max, morning, noon, and night’.”
I try to laugh, but I think my smile is like the kind people make at the mirror when they’re looking for food in their teeth.
“I think I’m going to go meet a few of the other guys, but it was nice chatting with you. I’ll let you know if I end up with any toothaches.” I point my finger at him and wink for good measure.
“Or if you need a hole—“
“Yup, got it. Thanks.”
I’m only halfway back to the bonfire when another hand rests on my back. “Miss Ashley, you are looking ravishing tonight. My name is Jim Rogers. I’m thirty-years-old, an insurance investment agent, and I’ve never been married. I don’t have kids. I like to cook, clean, and give a good massage here and there.” Despite the sweet way in which Jim is introducing himself, the urge to scream from being smothered is burning through me.
Okay. “Jim, was it?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Jim, could you hold my drink?” I hand over my drink to Jim and walk a little closer toward the pit. “Um, hi, everyone. Could I have your attention for a quick moment?”
Everyone, including the caterers, start clapping. Like, they’re giving me a round of applause.
“Could someone fill me in on why you are all here? I’m baffled at the moment, and I feel like I’m strangely in the spotlight and I don’t know why. And why are you clapping for me? I don’t know you. I don’t even know why I’m here, exactly—other than the fact that I didn’t want to move into my parents’ one-bedroom condo in a retirement community.”
“Speech,” one of them shouts. The sound echoes off of the cupped hand, framing his mouth.
“Speech? I don’t know what to say because I don’t know any of you, or why you’re all listening to me like what I have to say is important. I want to know what’s going on.” My voice is louder than I originally intended but I feel like there is steam coming out of my ears.
“We’re here for the same reason you are,” one of them says.
“No, I don’t think that’s the case. I’m here for free rent. Is that why you’re all here?” Not one of the men responds to me. They’re all just staring like I’m a rare bird spotted in the wild. “No one wants to fill me in?”
“We’re all here for different reasons, I hear from a dark area.”
“Great, well that clears things up. Look, I—I’m sorry. I’m bewildered and uncomfortable, so I’m going home now, but thank you for inviting me to your bonfire, and I hope you have a wonderful night.”
A caterer leans toward me and whispers into my ear. “Do you want to send anyone home?”
“What?” I turn, facing the middle-aged man with slicked hair and deep dimples that frame his perfect smile.
“Do you want to send anyone home?” he asks again.
“Why would I send someone home? They live just over there, don’t they?”
“Just asking,” the caterer says.
I remove my flip-flops so I can head home faster, not wanting to spend another minute in the mix of these freaks.
As I step back into my villa, I find Kricket and Krow lounging on the couch, eating a bag of popcorn, watching a movie. That could have been me.
“How was the party?” Kricket asks. I can’t ignore the snide hint to her question.
“The bonfire? Yea, it was great. That’s why I was there for a long twenty-minutes.”
I can see Kricket roll her eyes as she tosses a few kernels into her mouth. “Obviously, you didn’t read the lease agreement, or you would have known what you were moving into.”
