Following my desire to survive, I continue forward in search of a door that may lead to the food, but instead, I find a wall—a flat, even wall, ending the hallway abruptly with no hope. I am nothing more than a rat in their maze.
I circle around, and around, and around, dizzying myself, trying to shake my brain into comprehension. There has to be a way out since there was obviously a way in. I’m not imagining it, and Sin, he was not a part of my imagination either. “Sin!” I shout as loudly as my lungs will allow. “Sin, I’m in here! Come and get me, you bastard.”
Walking down the center of the hallway, into the light rather than the darkness this time, I continue to shout. “Come and get me, whoever you are! Here I am, starving to death like you wanted me to. I bet you are all watching me right now, laughing at my pain. Are you aware that I was a normal fifteen-year-old child before you destroyed my life? Was that in your plans, too? Finish me off. Just do it. I don’t want to play your games anymore. I don’t want to believe any more of your lies and I don’t want to be watched by your invisible eyes.” I continue walking down toward the other end, looking for what I’m sure will be another dead end wall with no door or exit. “Oh, wait. I know!” I circle around again, looking in every corner for a camera—a camera that must be hidden pretty well. “I know what you want, you sick assholes.” I lift my arm and bring it in front of my nose. “You know I’m a human, not an animal, right?” I trace the tip of my tongue down the length of my arm, tasting the dirt and salt as it attacks the nerve endings under my tongue, forcing me to clench with pain—a delicious pain. I rest my teeth over the fleshy part of my forearm. “Ready? Maybe after I give you what you want, you’ll bring me to the next stop in this nightmare. Or maybe, you’ll send me directly to hell this time. That—now that sounds like a vacation.” I sink my teeth into my skin, piercing the flesh, slowly and painfully. The copper taste of blood fills my mouth and it does satiate my need for food. It tastes like it always has, like a penny. I peel away a layer of skin and push it to the back of my mouth, squeezing my eyes at the thought of feeding off my own body. The salt, though, it’s what I need. It’s all I can taste now. This is something else—it’s bacon, I can tell myself it’s bacon. I don’t even remember what bacon tastes like, but maybe this is close enough to fool my brain into making me swallow it.
Bacon. Not my skin. Bacon. Bacon. My tongue relaxes, and what I have convinced myself to be bacon slips down the back of my throat, causing me to gag. No. No. No. I am not this sick. No. I shove my finger down my throat as far as I can reach, forcing myself to vomit up every little piece of nothing. My stomach retches as bile fills my mouth and I lean over to let it fall to the stark-white cement floor. Blood accompanies the bile. I know well enough that my organs have had enough. I am dying. Slowly. “Why won’t you let me die?” I cry out. I should have shot myself when I had the chance. I should have shot Sin when I had the chance.
I continue forward, clutching my hand around the open wound on my opposite arm. Looking carefully on both sides of the walls for a crack I’m starting to think doesn’t exist, the scent of bread overwhelms me once more. Picking up speed, I find myself at the dead-end wall I assumed was here. “Screw you! All of you!”
I drop down against the wall, staring out into what becomes a blur of walls. With the next wave of brilliant ideas, I pull in a deep breath and pinch my fingers around my nose. If I’m able to take a bite out of my goddamn arm, I can hold my breath until I die.
A minute has gone by. A full minute if my seconds were timed out proportionately. Weakness is pulling my head backward as a beautiful numbness weighs my eyelids down. I can only feel my heart racing, screaming at me to stop. But you aren’t winning this one, heart. Mind over matter and my mind will win this one. I can see my heart behind my closed eyes, struggling to pump blood, slowing down, and surrendering to everything fighting against it.
The heaviness of my head brings me down to meet the cold cement. I think—this is it. Darkness, it’s good now. Just come cover me with a blanket and end this nightmare. The darkness is okay now.
The darkness—it smells like death. It’s permeating the air around me, sucking me into its endless hole of nothingness, taking me with it. No longer as a prisoner, but as it’s prized possession.
