Page 53 of Man Flu

Chapter Fifteen

Friday—it’s the new Monday, with a side of Man-Child

CORA IS CIRCLING AROUND RICK like a bird ready to peck at a dead carcass on the side of the road. She’s scratching her chin, and her forehead is creased with concern. “Daddy looks like he should be in a hospital maybe,” she says. I contain my laughter while gazing at the adorable analysis she’s conducting in her unicorn fleece PJs and piglet slippers. And the perfect braid in her hair. Tiana knows she hates braids.

“Cora, did Tiana do your hair before dragging your father over here?”

Cora runs her fingers down the length of her braid. “Yeah,” she shrugs. “She said I couldn’t leave the house with a bird’s nest on my head. She’s crazy. I don’t have a bird’s nest on my head. Do I?” She bends forward to show me the top of her head.

“No, sweetie, you do not have a bird’s nest on your head. Tiana is just a little confused about her priorities.”

“Priorities?”

“Your father should not be lying on my floor right now. He should be at his house, with Tiana taking care of him.”

“But he’s sick, and you’re the mommy, so …” Cora still doesn’t completely understand how this works. Apparently, she thinks I’m still responsible for taking care of Rick, just like I take care of her, which makes me wonder what she thinks about Tiana. For all I know, she probably thinks Tiana’s Rick’s shitty babysitter. Might as well be.

“Hannah?” Logan croaks from upstairs. “Are you still getting some water?” Shit! How can all this be happening?

Rick lifts his head two inches from the ground and looks up at me. “He slept over?”

“Really? That’s what you’re concerned about right now?” I respond in a pitched howl.

“He is out of your league, sweetie,” Rick manages to sputter.

“Out of my league? You’re living with a beautiful woman who is, oddly enough, attracted to a meathead. Except, it isn’t odd at all when you think about how much longer she can stay in the U.S. without getting married, right? You think it’s cute that she’s a little ditzy sometimes. She’s a freaking genius, Rick. You’re the dumbass. And since you’re lying on my floor in a puddle of vomit, I really don’t think you should be insulting me right now. Not a smart choice.”

Without another thought, the anger rages through my body, and my foot instinctively comes out from beneath me and splashes him with his own vomit. “Mommy!” Cora scolds.

“It’s just a form of affection, sweetie,” I assure her.

“Oh, yeah, that’s what Daddy says to Tiana every night when I’m falling asleep.”

“Well then, Daddy deserves a taste of his own medicine, don’t you think?” My teeth grit, and this time instinct isn’t fast enough to keep up with my desire. I kick more of the puddle into him, coating his face this time.

“Come on, Hannah, what the hell? I’m sick.”

“You should have thought it through before you let your Barbie doll deliver you here in your current condition. This is not a shelter for wayward, sick, jackass ex-husbands. In fact, if you expected me to take care of you when you were sick, there is a whole list of different choices you should have made in the past.”

“Uh oh,” Cora says.

“What’s uh oh?” I say, my head snapping over to Cora as I finish my rant.

“He’s turning green like The Hulk again. This is what happened earlier. Mommy, do something! Daddy feels sick!”

“Oh, no you don’t. You’re not puking on my freshly cleaned floors. Get up, now.”

“I can’t move,” he groans.

“Cora, help me.” I grab his arm, and she grabs the other. I know she won’t be pulling much weight, but the downstairs bathroom is just a few feet away. I pull as hard as I can, happy that there are no obstructions between the hardwoods and the bathroom’s tiled floor. Just as I manage to get him into the bathroom, he starts bucking like a cat with a fur ball. Ugh. I will care for someone I like, but to watch someone I despise puking, no thank you. “Do it in the toilet,” I tell him.

He pulls himself up with his arms, leaving his legs limp and flat on the ground behind him. “Give me a break, Rick. Man up.”

As I walk out, I hear the splash in the toilet, followed by more groaning. Karma, asshole.

Off to the kitchen I go to get a glass of water for the other patient. Was I this bad yesterday? I guess I was.

“Cora, stay with Dad and keep an eye on him. Or just wait outside the bathroom in case he needs anything.”