The nurse pulls up a stool and sits down beside me. “We’ll give it a little while then,” she says.
“Do you know something?” I ask her, looking at the expression painted across her aging face. Because her expression tells me she does know something or she’s seen this before. Something. There’s sympathy in her eyes, not the happiness she should have for a dad meeting his daughter for the first time.
“I—I can’t. I think a doctor will be in to speak with you shortly.”
My heart is aching. There is something they aren’t telling me, and with absolutely no information, I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me. “Could you take her for a moment?” I ask the nurse. I don’t want anyone to touch my daughter. I want to keep her to myself, but right now I can’t breathe. The nurse takes Olive.My Olive. She takes her from me and rocks her gently as I lean forward, trying my hardest to inhale a little deeper.
“Is she going to make it? Will you at least tell me that?” I ask with a touch of hostility. I’m trying to control my anger. I’m in a nursery, so I know I can’t lose it. But I’m about to. If someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on, I’m going to fucking lose it.
The nurse looks back up at me again and doesn’t even answer me this time. Oh shit. Shit! Ellie! No! I stand up and lean over, placing a quick kiss on Olive’s head. “I’ll be right back, baby-girl.”
I run out the door and back toward the OR before anyone can stop me. When I approach the OR door, I press on it, knowing very well I should not be going through these doors, and by now I’m somewhat surprised no onehasstopped me.
When the door opens, the sight of a whole lot of blood—my wife’s blood, immediately assaults me. Why isn’t anyone working on her? Why isn’t anyone stopping the blood? I scan my focus around the room, looking at everyone’s faces until I see her doctor. He’s looking at the clock. What is he doing? No...no...Ellie! I run to her, grabbing her hand and pulling it up to my chest. I fall to my knees. “No. Ellie, baby. Ellie!” I scream out. Continuing to shout, I call her name over and over. Why isn’t anyone stopping me? I wonder, but deep inside I know the answer to that question.I know why no one is stopping me. It doesn’t matter, does it?
“Time of death—“
“Don’t say it. Don’t you fucking say it!” I yell.
“Eleven, twelve,” the doctor says quietly.
“No, she’s not gone! You can’t just take her from me like that. She’s not gone. Bring her back. Do something. Anything!” How could this happen? She’s healthy. She had a picture perfect pregnancy. No morning sickness, no blood pressure issues, nothing. So what is this?
Silence consumes the room after my outbursts. A blur of activity happens around me, and I’m being pulled up to my feet by several hands.
All of the hands release me as another hand settles on my shoulder, but I can’t look away from Ellie. Her eyes are closed. Her cheeks are pale. Her lips—they’re blue. “Please, Ellie. You can’t leave me. We have our family now. Ellie—” I sob.
“We did all that we could,” the doctor’s words float into my ear and twist tightly around my brain, shutting off all logical thoughts. “She suffered from a ruptured aneurysm.”
“Isn’t that in the brain, though?” I ask, confused, looking at the blood-soaked blue sheet covering the lower half of her body.
“Unfortunately, the strain from her contractions caused an aneurysm to rupture. It happened very fast. She didn’t suffer, but yet, her brain is no longer functioning.”
“How did we not know she—”
“Some people don’t know until it’s too late, I’m afraid,” a doctor, not Ellie’s doctor, says.
And just like that, my family has been broken apart before it was even united. The love of my life—the other half of my heart—has died. “Son, this is not an opportune time to discuss this with you, but time is of the essence. When her oxygen levels depleted, we placed Eleanor temporarily on a ventilator because she elected to donate her working organs if she were to pass. I wanted to inform you of this before we begin the procedure. The surgeon is on his way over as it needs to be handled right away.” There’s too much going through my mind to tell myself this is what Ellie would have wanted. This isn’t whatIwant. What about me? What about Olive? We were supposed to haveallparts of her, and selfishly, I don’t want to give her parts to anyone else. I want her whole. I want her with me. Alive. I can’t do this without her. “I’ll give you a moment.”
“So she’s still alive? I mean, her heart is still beating?” I ask, baffled. “Can she hear me? Are you sure she’s really gone? Didn’t you put her under general anesthesia? Maybe she just hasn’t woken up.”
“This happened as we were preparing to put her under, son. I’m sure. We did several tests to confirm what we immediately assumed. Her heart is still beating but I’m afraid the rest of her is gone.”
The room empties out around me, leaving me alone with my Ellie. My girl—the woman I knew I was placed on this earth for. I kneel back down by her bedside, unable to comprehend how we’ve gotten to this moment in time.
Five hours ago, we were laughing at our favorite TV show. She was making a long list of baby names and spitting out the most ridiculous ones she could find in the baby-name dictionary. Five hours ago, our life was perfect.
I always tried not to think that God didn’t want us to have a baby. We tried everything, including infertility treatments. Nothing worked, but we kept trying. Maybe we should have taken the hint. But we didn’t. We needed Olive. We needed her like we needed air to breathe, and now I know Olive really was Ellie’s air to breathe.
“Ellie, baby, I never considered the thought of having to say goodbye to you today. HowcanI say goodbye? I don’t want to. I want to beg you to stay, but it won’t matter, will it?God.Life is cruel…so damn cruel. It shouldn’t have been like this.” I place my lips over her cool cheek. She’s gone. I can feel it. Her soul is gone. My beautiful Ellie is gone. I watch her for a moment, stupidly thinking…hoping…she’s just going to open her eyes. “Open your eyes,” I cry into her ear. “Please. I can’t do this without you.” My heart feels like someone just ripped it out through my throat and is now choking me with it. Everything hurts so damn much, and this isn’t a pain that will ever go away. “Ellie, I’m going to raise our little girl the way you wanted to raise her. She’s going to know everything about you—every single detail—right down to the heart-shaped freckle under your right eye. I won’t let you down. I won’t. Please, Ell, just know how much you are loved. I’ve loved you since the day we met, and I will love you until the day I die. You are my wife, my best friend. My forever. Just like I was your forever.”
I really was her forever.We met on the first day of Kindergarten when we were five. We were best friends until high school, then boyfriend and girlfriend until our senior year of college when we got married. There was never anyone else…for either of us. We had our lives planned out, and this was supposed to be the beginning…not the end. I stand back up and place one more kiss on her forehead. Am I really saying good-bye to her right now?This isn’t real. This isn’t happening. Someone wake me up.
But no one does. This is real. What was supposed to be the best day of my life just became a living hell.
I touch Ellie’s hair one last time because it’s something I’ll never be able to do again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend the loss standing in front of me. How can this lovely creature, who was such an integral part of my past, not be part of my future? I touch her lips, her eyelids, her ears, her cheeks, and her neck. The heaviness of her hand isn’t something I recognize, though. This isn’t my Ellie, the warm, beautiful woman who I haven’t spent a day without.
This isn’t happening.This can’t be real. Someone please tell me this isn’t real. Everything inside of me is screaming with an alarm of panic. My mind doesn’t understand what I’m about to do. My mind doesn’t know how to say goodbye to the love of my life. I shouldn’t have to say goodbye. I can’t.
