Nurse Caroline comes back out and nods her head for me to follow. I walk past Charlotte, who is looking at me and waiting for a decision I’m supposed to make on whether or not I want her to stay. The person who I’ve been—who I might still be—would tell her goodbye and thank you. However, I might be sick of beingthatperson. I reach my hand out to her, close my eyes, and take another deep breath.This is the right thing to do. For me.
Charlotte swallows hard and loud enough for me to hear then takes my hand and stands up to join me. Her hand is warm, soft, small—perfect, compelling me to interlace my fingers with hers and squeeze a little tighter, all while fighting the stabbing pain running through my nerves. On second thought, maybe it’s not pain; maybe it’s that comfort thing again. How could a person be so lost that a feeling of pain and comfort could be confused with one other?
As we walk down the hall, Charlotte’s free hand wraps around my arm, her body pressed against the side of mine, and the closer we get to Olive’s room, the less my chest aches. I consider releasing Charlotte’s hand before walking into Olive’s room, but I don’t.
“Daddy! Charlotte!” Olive squeaks. She immediately does what I knew she would do and peers down to our interlocked fingers and smiles—that smile, the one that takes over her entire face.Just like Ellie’s.
Our hands separate as I run to Olive’s side, kneeling so I can bring myself as close to her little face as possible. “You scared me so much, Olive. I was so worried about you.” I wrap my arm around her and hold her tightly until she groans and squirms from my grip.
“I’m okay,” she says, as assuring as ever. She’s always “okay.”
“What were you doing up on top of the play set?” I ask, looking into her apologetic eyes.
She doesn’t blink as she stalls on a response, and her look has me questioning whether she doesn’t remember or just doesn’t want to tell me. After a long minute, a soft sigh expels from her lips as she says, “Someone asked me where mom was and the top of the playset was the closest I could get to her.” Just as I think I’m going to be okay, her explanation devastates me.
When Olive asks me where heaven is, I have always told her heaven is in the clouds because for now at five, it’s easy to understand. When I first told her this, she responded with confusion, telling me she can’t touch the clouds; therefore, she couldn’t touch Ellie. I told her if she reached high enough and closed her eyes, she could feel the clouds, as well as Ellie.This is my fault.“You told me if I reached high enough—”
“I know what I told you, sweetie, but I was wrong. I—”
Charlotte steps beside me and kneels down too. “Olive,” she says, her voice soothing and warm. “If you close your eyes, no matter where you are standing, you can feel your mom—in heaven. You don’t need to climb up high in order to reach her—” Charlotte pauses as the sound of breath hiccups in her throat, proving a difficulty in offering Olive this sound advice. Her breaths even out and a smile returns to her lips as she continues, “because your mom is right here.” Charlotte presses on Olive’s chest, over her heart. “Close your eyes, honey.”
Olive closes her eyes but opens one slightly to look at us both, skeptically. “Now what?” she giggles.
“You have to keep your eyes closed and imagine what your mom looks like, what her skin might feel like, and what her voice sounds like.” Charlotte’s words morph from sweet to soothing, serious, and believable, a combination that makes Olive relax into the bed and close both eyes.
I watch as Charlotte continues to talk about Ellie as if she knew her, and I watch as a smile tugs at Olive’s lips in response. The connection between the two of them right now is almost too overwhelming to take in. I haven’t seen Olive this calm and peaceful, no matter what the occasion.
“I think I can feel her,” Olive says in a whisper. “Mom’s voice sounds like a pretty song, and her skin feels like a flower’s petal. She looks like me, but bigger I guess.” Olive’s smile grows wider and her cheeks turn a little rosier. “She really loves me, doesn’t she?”
“More than you could ever imagine,” I tell her, feeling my throat swell into its familiar knot.
“She loves you too, Daddy.”
CHAPTER SIX
DECEMBER
-One Month Later-
“Can I pleasego out and play with Lana?” Olive begs. I’ve kept her inside for the past couple of weeks, not wanting to take my eyes off of her for even a second after the scare she gave me.
“Hunter,” AJ shouts from the TV room. “Let the kid go out and play.” Sometimes, living with AJ is like living with an annoying wife—he’s constantly whining and he badgers me like the best of them. The funny part is, he doesn’t live with me, he just spends more time here than he does at his own house with Alexa, which I’m not sure I can blame him for. Although, Alexa is here with him today—she’s here with AJ every Sunday morning for “Family Breakfast”.
“Breakfast is going to be ready in just a few minutes,” I holler out to both of them.
“Grammy and Grampy just pulled in!” Olive yells from outside the front door.What is she doing out there?I poke my head around the corner as raw eggs drip from the whisk in my hand.
“Olive, get in the house! Why are you wearing snow pants and boots?”
“I want to go play in the leaves with Lana,” she whines.
“Okay, first, we don’t need snow pants and boots to play in the leaves, and second, you’re wearing a summer dress over it. Third, your grandparents just got here.”
“You’re a stick in the mud,” Alexa says to me as she finds Olive in the living room. “Olive, you look fabulous in that outfit. Come here and let me do your hair.” I return to the eggs and waffles, my Sunday morning ritual. The coffee maker is in full swing and I have everything under control.
“Come on over for breakfast, there’s plenty!” I hear mom’s voice shouting from the driveway. I don’t know who’s she’s inviting, but I’m going to assume it’s Charlotte. “No, don’t be silly! Come on over. I brought coffee cake and muffins!” Silence commences but only for a few seconds. “Okay. Sure, dear, I’ll ask him.”
The door swings open and Dad’s crowing at Olive in his Cookie Monster voice, “Where’s my little princess?”
