Jackson takes a seat across from us and folds his hands over his knees as he leans forward. This is his way of talking to us calmly to explain why there isn’t a good outcome to this. I can feel it. I can see it in his eyes. “It is, and I have to tell you my professional opinion: I don’t recommend it at her age or in her condition. If she were ten years younger, I would say to go for it, but she is already weak and frail. I just feel it may be toorisky.”
“But I thought the pacemaker would fix her heart?” Mom asks. She must know the answer couldn’t be so simple, but I’m also sure she’s in shock, as it appears Annie istoo.
“It fixed part of the problem,” Jackson continues. “Her heart will continue to beat at a normal pace; however, the narrowing of that valve causes oxygen deprivation, which could eventually lead to a heart attack. Now, I’m not saying it will, but itcould.”
“Eventually?” Iask.
“Ninety-two years old is quite a feat,” he says, redirecting his attention onto me while revealing a look of grief in hiseyes.
“It’s not enough time,” I tellhim.
“She can either live out her life at home, or we can find a special care facility for her, but after the short time I’ve known Amelia, I’m assuming the first option would bebest.”
“How long does she have, Jackson?” Iask.
Jackson pauses a moment. His Adam’s apple slides up and down his throat, and his chest rises as if it’s taking a lot of will to muster the answer. “It’s hard to say. She could have two more years, or something could happen tomorrow. I don’t know how long it took her aortic valve to reach the state it’s in, so I don’t know how fast the narrowing is progressing. If it’s slow, then that will be good for her.” He pauses again, needing to take another breath. I’ve made this harder on him. There’s more at stake than just an everyday patient now. I can see it and hear it through his struggling words. He doesn’t want to hurt me. “I guess what I’m saying is…just relish the time and help her enjoy life for as long as you can. That’s really what everybody should do anyway. We’ll keep her on the heart meds and blood thinners, and that, along with the pacemaker, should prevent her from having anotherstroke.”
Mom and Annie wrap their arms around me, both falling apart as they squeeze tightly. I feel helpless as I stare into Jackson’s caring eyes as he mouths the words, “I’m sosorry.”
“When can we see her?” Mom criesout.
“She’s resting comfortably right now, so I suggest coming back first thing in themorning.”
They both nod as tears roll down their cheeks at the same time. I’ve never been as emotional as the two of them, but something inside of me is feeding my strength. I know I need to be strong for them. I’m all theyhave.
Mom and Annie nudge me forward. “Come on,” Mom says, “let’s get home so we can get a littlesleep.”
“I think I’m going to stay here,” I tellher.
“Emma, don’t be ridiculous. You need some sleep, and we both know you won’t be getting any rest in thesechairs.”
“Mom, I’m fine,okay?”
“Okay. Well, call me if there is any change,” she says, placing a kiss on my forehead. “Please don’t wait. I don’t care what time itis.”
“I promise,” I tellher.
“I’m going to stay with you tonight,” Annie tells Mom on the wayout.
Jackson and I are left alone in the waiting room, and he pulls me up from my seat and onto his lap, offering me the kind of hug I’ve desperately needed for the past couple of hours. “Are your mom and aunt going to be okaytonight?”
I sniffle and peer up at Jackson through a blur of contained tears. “Yeah,” I croak. “Annie stays with my mom a lot anyway because my Uncle Aaron goes on frequent fishing trips with a bunch of his retired-police friends. Plus, Mom and Annie take care of each other when I’m not around too, which isnice.”
“Good,” Jackson says. “What aboutyou?”
I force my lips into a fake smile and shake my head. “No, I’m notokay.”
“I would do the surgery, but I don’t think she’s strong enough to make it through an open-heart procedure, and she isn’t a candidate for the other methods at thistime.”
“I’m sure she would agree. I don’t see her wanting to go for any furthersurgeries.”
“She has certainly suffered enough for one lifetime,” Jacksonsays.
As he pulls away just a bit to lean back into the chair, I replace his embrace with my arms, wrapping them around my chest to hold myself from the shiver running through my body. “She’s also had an amazing life too,” I feel the need tosay.
“With you being a part of it, anyone’s life would be incredible.” I rest the side of my face into his chest, feeling safer and comforted by hiswarmth.
“I need to find him before it’s too late,” I say. Though the words are quiet and under my breath, I’m sure of mystatement.
