The feeling of guilt hit me hard, even though I couldn’t figure out why—I had nothing to feel guilty for. He was the enemy. He had the upper hand. He was the lion, and I was the mouse, yet there I was, feeling bad for one ofthem. I figured I must have been on the verge of insanity while being brainwashed to think I was nothing more than a speck of dirt. “You don’t need to apologize,” I replied. “You scare me. That’s all.” That’s what they all wanted. They wanted us to admit to feeling frightened, whether by words or action. It was their goal. Scare, torture, kill. Jews were their enemy, but what did I do? What did Mamado?
“That’s just it. I’m a monster, yet I have done nothing to earn that title,” hesaid.
“You put that uniform on,” I told him. Just as I had patches labeling my religion, he had clothing that represented the dictator in charge of all the hatethere.
He took my arm and pulled me to the ground, squatting down in the corner as if he were trying to hide us, but without any further coverage. “No,” he argued. “I was trained from the age of ten until I turned eighteen, then never given a choice on whether I wanted to live this way. I don't want to be here, and I certainly don’t want to do the things they expect me to do. I would be slaughtered if I didn’t follow orders, however. Much like you, I’mafraid.”
His words terrified me more than they enlightened me. I couldn't understand the meaning of a ten-year-old being trained to hate. Plus, he wasn't sleeping in filth or being treated like an animal from what I could tell. “Well, I would trade places with you in a heartbeat,” I told him. I thought it would be easier to hate than to be hated, but I might have been wrong aboutthat.
My eyes narrowed in on his, wondering how he had managed to remain in an authoritative position while admitting his defiance toward Hitler. “Why choose me to unveil this information to? I’m a no one. Why not one of those other women. They’re all desperate forhelp.”
His eyes closed for a moment, and I watched Charlie struggle to swallow. “I was sent on a mission to retrieve your sector in Prague. I was the one who pulled your mother off the other soldier’sback.”
“You killed her?” I yelled as quietly as I could. “That’s why you’re being nice to me? That's why you gave me an extra loaf of bread? You killed my mother?” I knew I couldn't raise my voice any louder, but the anger was searing through my entire body, igniting a fire within mysoul.
“No, no, no, I did not—that was not me, but I was there. I watched you and your world fall to pieces like I’ve watched so many times before with others, but you were different. The intense pain I saw in your eyes made me feel heartache after being numb to it for so long. I never looked anyone in the eye after they watched someone in their family fall to their death, but I made the mistake of looking in your eyes for just a moment.” Charlie took a couple of breaths, as did I. He ran his hands down the side of his face and fell completely into the soil. “Amelia, time stood still for those few seconds, and even though I could almost feel your pain, I also felt jealous of you—that you could love your mother as much as you obviously did. Yet, I'm here becausemymother forced me to train for thislife.”
I was speechless and heartbroken all over again at the thought of Mama, and I couldn't clear up the foggy feeling in my head from his explanations. He watched Mama die in front me, and for that, he wanted to be my friend. He wanted to risk both of our lives for a senseless friendship? “People die every day,” I told him, simply ignoring the trueness of hisconfession.
His lips pressed together, and he swallowed hard once more. “Iknow.”
“I need to get back to my job before I'm caught,” I told him, needing more air than what was available in thatcorner.
Friends.For so long, Jews had not been allowed to be friends with anyone except ourown.
I began walking back toward the alley where the line was still growing longer, but Charlie grabbed my arm, unknowingly where I had blood taken from just a few hours earlier. I couldn't help but wince at the tenderness. Feeling an immediate release of his hand, I turned quickly to hear his final words on the matter. “I'm sorry,” he said. “You look just like her, beautiful and pure. I hate that you have to live on without her—here of allplaces.”
His words hurt me. They cut through me like a knife, scraping the outside layer of my heart as my wounds felt renewed. Charlie may not have intended to hurt me, but I'm not ready to listen to an apology from any of my captors, not evenhim.
