“Girls, take a seat,” Grams tellsthem.
They look at her warily for a moment before sitting down. “What’s going on, Mom?” Mom and Annie peer over at Charlie next, maybe wondering why someone who’s practically a stranger is standing there when they are about to have what sounds like a serious conversation.Iwould feel that way if I didn’t knowbetter.
“I’m going to have the surgery tomorrow. I have to give my heart one more chance, and there’s nothing either of you can do to talk me out of it.” Grams gets right to thepoint.
“Mom, Jackson said it was dangerous, and it could kill you,” Annie says, immediately upset—obviously against the idea, and Mom is right behind her. There’s no winning with this. It’s a gamble eitherway.
“Clara and Annie, I’m going to die anyway. If it’s my time, then it’s my time. Let me die when I choose to die,okay?”
Annie and Mom give each other a knowing look, silently agreeing that there is no arguing with Grams about her health. She has always overseen her own life, and it will continue to be like that until the day shedies.
We’reall gathered in Grams’s room this morning at six o’clock since Jackson scheduled the surgery for seven. He said it could take several hours, and he wanted to start as early as possible. I’m stealing half of Grams’s bed, resting with her, needing to be as close as possible. Annie and Mom are sharing the space on her other side, and Charlie is beside me with his hand on my shoulder. “You’re going to make it,” Charlie says. “You’re a survivor, Amelia. You knowthat.”
“I know,” Grams says. She doesn’t seem like herself today, kind of like the day when she was telling me she was going to die, and it scaresme.
“Do you think I’m doing the wrong thing?” sheasks.
“No,” I tell her. “If you have a chance at more, I say takeit.”
I must be able to live with the outcome if today doesn’t go well, but Grams has always focused on living in the moment and taking risks so she never had to wonder what could have been, except for with Charlie. In any case, if this is what she believes is right, then I have to be okay withit.
Jackson knocks on the door and walks into the crowded room. He’s in his scrubs with a surgical cap already in place. “Good morning, Amelia,” hesays.
“How is my future grandson-in-law?” she asks, teasing him with a pointedfinger.
Jackson laughs. “I’m doing well. I’m ready to save a heart today. How are youdoing?”
“I’m scared,” she sayshonestly.
Jackson moves in slowly as we all part ways from Grams’s side to give him space. “You’re going to be set up in just a few minutes, but I wanted to make sure you don’t have any last-minute questions orconcerns.”
“I don’t think so,” Grams says. “I’m ready to get this overwith.”
“Understandable.” He places his hand on Grams’s shoulder and smiles at her, looking calm and relaxed, which is exactly what she needs. I appreciate it, especially since we all know how risky this surgeryis.
“I’ll give you all another minute before the nurses come in to get you,” Jacksonsays.
He looks at me and subtly asks if I’m okay with a gesture of his raised brows. I nod and shrug, unsure how to respond. “I’ll take good care of her,” he mouths beforeleaving.
It’s hard to imagine saying goodbye, but how can I not prepare for the worst? I lean over Grams and wrap my hands around her face, staring into her hazy eyes as she gives me the same look in return. No matter the outcome, I need to remember this moment for the rest of my life. I need to remember everything about her because I’m so much a part of her. She can’t leave me…she can’t. I break my gaze for a moment, looking up at the ceiling to stop the pooling tears from falling down my cheeks. I exhale slowly, pleadingly for this pain in my chest to go away. Right now, I feel like I need a heart doctortoo.
“I love you so much, Grams, and you are going to make it through this, okay?” My chest is tight, and my throat is dry. My heart hurts, and I’m not going to be able to keep it together muchlonger.
“I know you love me. You will always be my sweetheart, Emma.Always.”
“And my girls…you are my special, special girls. You have made my life worth living. Every moment. Every single moment has been worth it for you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I really don’t,” Grams tellsthem.
“Don’t talk like that, Mom,” Annie says. “We love you. You’re going to make it. You haveto.”
Mom and Annie release an ocean of tears as they hold each other, walking out of the room. “Charlie, are you coming with us?” Mom asks him through a hiccup. They haven’t asked him many questions, which I find odd, but at the same time, I’mgrateful.
“I’ll be right there,” he says tothem.
Mom and Annie offer each other a look, and I can’t decipher the exchange. Maybe they know something, or maybe I am truly the only one who knows. Maybe none of us are meant to ever speak of it with one another. It’s so confusing, yet I understand it all soclearly.
Charlie is the only one left beside me, and he sits down on Grams’s bed and leans back into the pillow withher.
“Amelia, we’ve made it this far. I know this is what’s right. I still love you, darling, just as much as I did all those yearsago.”
