When we arrive on the sixth floor, the nurses all stand from behind the counter and begin a slow clap. My cheeks burn with discomfort. Nothing feels right about this celebration. One of the nurse’s pages Dr. Drake, then places the phone down with an ear-to-ear grin. “Congratulations, Ari,” shesays.
I know people congratulate others for life accomplishments but is it a life accomplishment; to take a person’s heart after they just died and replace it my failure of a heart? I failed at life. I don’t deserve a “Congratulations.”
“Why aren’t you smiling right now?” Mom asks as we take two seats in the small waiting area. “I told you, you have nothing to worryabout.”
Is it worry I’m feeling? Is it fear? Maybe I’m scared I’ll wake up and be a different person; a person with Ellie’sheart.
Lost in thought, I didn’t notice Dr. Drake approaching or taking Mom from her seat to have a private conversation with her on the other side of the room. I shouldn’t have to have a legal guardian at twenty-five and technically, she’s only my health proxy, but since I was diagnosed at eighteen, I never got the chance to test the waters of adulthood without a chaperone attached to myhip.
“We’re going to prepare you for surgery now, Ariella,” Dr. Drake says, walking toward me with the same smile Mom’s sporting. They look like pod people looking through a glass window at a test monkey who just learned to use aphone.
My mind is racing while I follow Dr. Drake and Mom down the hallway, feeling like a small child looking up at the high ceilings and the foreign inspirational words written across the hanging pieces of art. Everything around me feels blurry, especially with a conversation floating above my head, one I can’t comprehend the words to. Something doesn’t feelright.
A person should never steal another person’s heart. We’re taught this at a young age. Hearts are weak and can be broken easily—in some case, too easily. I’ve never wanted to rip someone’s heart out or cause anyone pain, but today, I’m literally the cause of someone’s heart being torn out, and that has to cause someone, if not many people,pain.
“Dr. Drake,” I speak up as we enter into a private room. “Whose heart is being donated?”I need theconfirmation.
“Someone who no longer needed the heart, Ariella,” he says softly, avoiding eye contact with my eyes. “We need to getmoving.”
“Who?” I ask again, this time tugging at the sleeve of his white coat. I need to hear her name even though I saw her husband, Hunter, downstairs. “Who didn’t need their heart anymore? You made it very clear that unless someone were to donate their heart to me, I would likely never receive a donation. Was I justlucky?”
Dr. Drake looks over at Mom and gives her a slight nod. He isn’t confirming my assumption because it is considered malpractice. A living person cannot promise another living person their heart. Yet, we made it happen. “We have to do this now,” he sayssternly.
Everyone moves around the room completing different checklist tasks while a couple of nurses help me into a gown. I’m pierced with needles as an IV tube is laced up my arm. All I can do is watch the commotion around me as each nurse shares a look with one another, but without exchangingwords.
Mom kisses me on the cheek and wraps her arms around me tightly, shaking and breathing heavily. “I’ll see you real soon, sweetie,” she hardly croaks out before she’s pulled away from me by a couple ofnurses.
I watch Mom’s face crumple as the tears she had been hiding behind her bravery, pour down her cheeks. Walking backward, not taking her eyes off of the scene I’m a part of, her hands reach for me like a child who is reaching for her mom, and the look in her eyes says she may never see me again. I’ve already come to terms with the risk of this surgery—how it’s a gamble whether I die today, in a month, or if I’m lucky…ten to twenty years from now. Mom, on the other hand, hasn’t come to terms with anything. She’s always full of hope andoptimism.
“It may be a little late, but this is certainly your Christmas miracle,” a nurse says as she places the oxygen mask over my nose, leaving me with a gentle smile before the world fades into a blur ofdarkness.
