“That was never my intention, Hunter. I promise you,” I say, stressfully running my fingers through myhair. “
He looks like he’s contemplating his next set of questions, which has my nerves bundled up in a tight ball. Maybe thiswasa bad idea.“Did you know I would be at the gardens that day?” he asks. Oh, no…he think I’ve been following him.I’m notpscyho!
“No, I had no idea. That happened all on it’s own.” Although I can’t help and wonder if maybe Ellie wanted it tohappen.
“Wow,” he says, questioningly. I don’t know if his reaction is a good one or bad one, though. I’m just hoping he doesn’t think I’minsane
“Can I take your order or do you need a few more minutes?” The waitress thankfullyinterrupts.
“Could I have the garden salad with oil and vinegar, topped with the grilled chicken,please?”
“Salad? Are you serious?” he asks withlaughter.
I place my hand over my chest. “Gotta keep thisticking.”
“She’ll have a burger and fries,” he spits out to the waitress. His gesture utterly shocks me. We don’t know each other at all and yet, he wants to order for me? Normally, I would consider that rude, but for some reason, I don’t think he’s doing it to bedisrespectful.
“Hey,” I croakout.
“Are you a vegetarian?” he asks with a raisedbrow.
“No,” Ilaugh.
“Burger and fries it is, then. Same for me, please.” As the waitress takes the menus, Hunter leans back into his chair, relaxing a bit, which is a relief. If only, I felt the same way. “So, you knew Ellie? I know you made mention of it in one of your last letters, but hearing it out loud stuns meagain.”
Oh no. No. No. No. I didn’t realize how many truths I would have to dilvuge by just admitting who I was. Now, I’m telling Hunter all sorts of things I feel like Ellie wanted to keep a secret. “I was her student teacher before shepassed.”
“Student teacher?” he asks, seeming confused. “I don’t understand,” what one thing has to do withanother.
“I was dying,” I tell him, feeling a sudden tear break out of the corner of my eye. Crap! This was not in my plan fortonight.
“From what? he asks simply, almost unfazed—sort of the way I was toward theend.
“Congenital Heart Failure. I wasn’t supposed to make it past twenty, but I did,” I explain. “She wanted to help me.” It sounds like such an easy solution coming from my mouth, but for the fact that she had to die in order for me to live, is something I will never be able toswallow.
“That was Ellie. She considered becoming a nurse but she has—had—an aversion to blood and a teacher was the next best thing when it came to helping people, so that’s what she did. She also had a thing for little kids—born to be a mother, I always thought,” hesays.
I try to pull in a couple of even breaths, but I’m not sure I will be able to catch breath throughout the rest of our time here together. “She told me if it was meant to be, I would receive my heart—meaning if her heart were to outlive her brain before I passed away, I would be pretty damn lucky. The kindness of Ellie is something that has been infused within me; it has remained in her heart. But her telling me I would be lucky didn’t seem so clear until I found out the heart was going to be mine. I wouldn’t consider her death in exchange for my survival to be verylucky.”
I’m quick to realize I have once again said too much as the look on Hunter’s face contorts with pain. “I’m sorry,” he says, shaking his. “What were you saying about her heart surviving herbrain?”
I feel a weakness crawl through me, making me want to fall faint into the chair I’m leaning on, just so I can disappear from this conversation. “That’s what she said to me,” I sayquietly.
“But why would she consider that possibility?” he asks, sounding almost outgaged. “You must know why she would say something sorandom?”
Thinking quickly, all I can come up with is, “She said it was her destiny to give life. It was God’s plan forher.”
“No. There was more,” hesays.
“This is not my place,” I tell him. “I don’t feel right about this, which is exactly why I have kept my distance over the years. I didn’t come here tonight to tell you things Ellie confided in me. I came here to end the pain I’ve presumably been causing you, which is evident now.” I need to leave. I’ve ruined everything and I’ve made this situation so much worse. “This was a terribleidea.”
As I stand up and walk past him, he makes an attempt to keep me here, grabbing my arm, getting me to stay and tell him more, but I pull away and run outside, needing the cold air to clear out my suffocatinglungs.
I only make it out to the front curb before I drop down and let the tears fall from my eyes. I just screwed up Hunter’s life a little more. That wasn’t fair of me. I should never have reopened thiswound.
He finds me outside and the questions begin to pour out of him, each one breaking my heart a little more. He’s looking at me like I hold all of the secrets, like he wants to take a hold of my arm and not let me go until everything I know is drained out of my mouth. I can’t give him that but I admit to knowing about him from years ago when Ellie would talk about him daily, to knowing who he was the first moment I saw him in the garden. I explain the internal debate I’ve had for years about revealing my identity in fear of hurting him more, and yet, nothing I say seems like enough or like what he’s wanting to hear because he’s staring at me with a lost look in his eyes, or like he’s trying to see through my eyes to read every thought floating through me. The apologetic look I must have on my face is likely telling him there is more he doesn’t know. But, it’s a secret I promised tokeep.
