Haven reaches for Lauren's hand but only because I didn't mention Lauren's aversion to people touching her hands. The action happens faster than I can speak up. "No! Noooo! No hands. No hands!"
"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," Haven cries out, cupping her hands over her chest.
I lean over to Lauren and place my hand heavily on her shoulder, which calms her when she's upset. "She didn't know," I tell Lauren.
"Don't touch my hands," Lauren affirms.
"She can't tolerate anything touching her fingers or hands. It causes a sensory irritation."
"I didn't know," Haven says grimly.
It takes a minute for Lauren to settle down and relax, and I can see Haven isn't about to give up as she's looking around the room, taking it all in. "What's your favorite color, Lauren?" Haven asks.
"Yellow," Lauren answers quietly. "Like the sun."
"You have no yellow in this room," Haven says.
Lauren looks around as if she needs to confirm what she already knows. "They won't let me have anything," she replies with despondence.
Haven glances at me, and I can see the gears turning but I'm afraid of what she might promise Lauren out of guilt, and I can't let that happen.
"Lauren," I say, kneeling in front of her. "I'm going to be working real hard this week to get you out of here. I can't make any promises, but I think if you make a really big wish, it might help."
"Okay," Lauren says, exhaling loudly. "But, Raine…do you promise not to forget about me again?"
I'm not sure how much more my heart can take today. Lenore must not have told her I was in prison. I don't know what she knows. "I never left you," I tell her.
Lauren crosses her arms tightly over her chest, and her bottom lip juts forward into a pout. "One day you were here, and the next day, you were gone. Mama said you were going to come live with us for a while and then you never came home."
"I was in prison," I tell her, keeping my voice as calm as possible, so I don’t scare her.
"Like, jail?" she whispers as if the word were a profanity.
"Yes, it was all a terrible mistake, and it's okay now, so I'm not going anywhere again. I won't leave you." I stare her right in the eyes, praying she believes me. I’m all she has, and she has to know I’m here for her. Always will be.
"I know," Lauren says, smiling wildly. She truly has a smile brighter than that damn sun she's always talking about. "It was nice to meet you, Haven."
Haven pulls in a shuddered breath and forces a pained smile. "I'm so happy I got to meet you," she says, keeping her distance this time. "When I see you next, I'll have something pretty and yellow. How does that sound?"
"Wow," Lauren says, "I would like that a lot."
I give Lauren a quick kiss on the cheek and a noogie—her not-so-favorite form of affection. "See you soon, Lauren."
"You messed up my hair, Raine," she drawls. "Now it looks almost half as bad as yours." Lauren's contagious laughter fills the room, and it gives me the calming relief I need to move forward and do what I must do over the next few days.
"We both look good, and you know it," I say, pointing at her with a wink. My stomach hurts as I leave Lauren behind, but I have faith in myself. I need to be able to save her from this.
There is a long lag of silence between Haven and me as we head in the direction of the motel. "She's amazing," Haven says. "We need to help her. She needs to be with you."
I swallow the lump in my throat while thinking the same thoughts Haven is speaking. "Lenore was much older when she had Lauren. I guess they didn't have those tests back then to warn you if something wasn't right with your child, or maybe it just didn’t matter to Lenore. From what I heard, though, when Lauren was born, Lenore didn't even flinch when the doctors told her about Lauren's condition. Lenore smiled and called her a gift from God. Granddad used to say the same thing." I take a quick breath as the thought of Lenore being gone sinks in a little further. I never got to say goodbye. The last time we spoke was the day I went to the shelter for breakfast, and she demanded I move in with them. I never thanked her for that either. She must have died while being ashamed of me, not knowing the truth. I'm not sure I'll ever get over that thought.
"Raine, the guilt for what I caused is starting to eat me alive," Haven speaks out above my silent thoughts. "How can you even stand to be around me?"
When I look at Haven, I don't find blame—not anymore. "Your father wanted me gone. If it weren’t for what happened between us, it would have been something else. I was the evidence he needed to hide.”
"I blame myself, though," she says. "I ruined your life, Lenore's life, and obviously, Lauren's. I'm just as bad as my parents, and I'm not sure you can convince me otherwise."
"I can't tell you how to feel, but I can encourage you not to think that way, or that is just one more way they win," I say.
