31
Raine
This isall my fucking fault. One bad decision after another. I should have stayed away from that house all those years ago. Instead, I tempted Frederick. Lenore would have survived if I was around. I would have taken care of her.What about Lauren?The thought makes my insides hurt like they haven't hurt since the day I was taken away.
I’m heading toward the center of town because I need to find Lauren somehow. I don't know what kind of records they have, but I hope someone has information on her whereabouts. "Wait!" Haven calls out. "Where are you going?"
She runs after me, catching up, grabbing hold of my arm, but right now, I’m so numb, I can’t even feel a sense of touch. "Raine," she says through quick breaths. "What I can do?"
"I need to find Lauren," I tell her.
This must be what it feels like to lose a parent. My heart is breaking. The blame, though, adds a whole new layer of pain. Lenore suffered, making this so much worse. Dying with no one to care for you and no resources to care for yourself, let alone your special needs daughter, has to be one of the worst ways to go.
"I'm blaming myself," I tell Haven after not saying a word for the last ten minutes. "But this wasn't my fault."
"It was my dad's," she says.
"Yeah, it was."
Living in a world where I keep running out of people who consider me to be family has brought me to a point where I know what I want in my life. "You know…” I huff with anger. “You know what I want, Haven, I want a bunch of kids. I want a huge family. I don't want to ever feel like this again. Ever." The words feel strange coming from my mouth, but I've thought about them a million times in my adult life. For a long time, I promised myself I would never put a child on this earth in fear of hurting him or her the way I was hurt, but with my confinement, I realized living like that would never bring me any happiness. I know I would never hurt a child in that way. If there's one thing I can do for Granddad, and now Lenore, it’s to right every wrong that was done to me.
"You do?" Haven questions.
"Yeah, that's all I want." It’s all the honesty I can muster, and I’m laying all my cards out on the table in front of us. "I kind of figured it wouldn't be possible while living in poverty, but now I'm seeing that it might just be possible after all." I'm not stopping until I regain what's rightfully mine.
We walk up to the town hall, and I don't pause before walking through the old, worn doors. Immediately greeted by the scent of old books and dust, the orange track lighting guides us in the direction of the town clerk’s office. Regardless of what everyone in this community thinks of me, or that the paper printouts I saw last week with my face and the words “sex offender” tattooed on my forehead are probably lining every bulletin board here, I’m getting what I need.
Haven doesn't release her grip on my hand, which confirms how she feels about me. She never was one to care about what others think, and I admired that attribute. While she may have temporarily fallen into a world she never wanted to be a part of, she ran from it before it was too late. I believe she’s proving her beliefs now more than ever.
We approach the town clerk's office and stand in front of the open window, watching a few women type away on their computers.
The woman sitting closest to the window looks up from her screen and stands up to greet us. It takes less than two seconds for her to recognize me. Like everyone else in this town, the automatic smile she stood up with morphs into disgust. "Ma'am, I need help finding a person who may not live here anymore, but did at one point a few years ago."
She clears her throat and glances over at Haven, not so subtly. "Wow," she mutters to herself.
"Excuse me?" Haven replies politely.
"Pardon me," the woman says. "I'm just surprised to see the two of you together, is all."
A small smile presses into the corners of Haven's lips. "Really? Why is that?"
"Well," the woman laughs nervously. "I'm sure you are aware of the allegations."
"Yes," Haven says surely. "I know that this man was wrongly placed behind bars for seven years...and I’m also aware of why it happened."
"Oh," she says, clicking a few buttons on her keyboard. "Wrongly?"
"I was the one who lied about my age, you know, like a lot of teenage girls do. Except, I got caught, and he paid the price."
"I see," the woman says, as her cheeks burn with a pink tinge.
"Who are you looking for?" the woman asks, lifting her head to look at me.
"Lauren Sullivan," I say.
The woman hovers her fingers above the keyboard, apparently lost in thought for a moment. Without typing in a word, she nods her head. "Oh, Lauren Sullivan. Yes, I believe she is living at Sutter's Assisted Living Facility. There was a bit of controversy when her mother died last year, and the town had to get involved in finding placement for her."
While it's a relief to know she is somewhere safe, I'm also very aware of what that place is like. They are constantly in the news for health code violations and lack of nursing care. Sutter's reputation permeates the whole town, and there isn't much good that goes in or comes out of that place.
