"Raine, you're bleeding, and you were just having a seizure. I have to call. Something could be wrong." I know I sound frantic when I should be keeping him calm, but I am frantic and he needs help.
"I have epilepsy," he mumbles.
My heart feels heavy in my chest and falls quickly to the pit of my stomach, making that hurt too. "You never told me…"
He tilts his entire head to the right, struggling to look up at me. "I've never told anyone," he says.
"Do you have medication or something I can get you?" I ask, running my fingers through his short, sweat-coated strands of hair.
"I ran out," he says with a rasp to his voice.
"Well, let's get you more," I tell him. "Come on, let's go. The pharmacy is open all night."
He slowly shakes his head from side to side, and it looks like there is more pain in his eyes at the moment, than there is in his entire body. "It costs almost eight-hundred dollars without insurance."
"Oh my God," I say through a sigh laced with heartache. "Are you going to be getting health insurance at Crow's?"
He shrugs. "I don’t know. Crow’s looking into it."
"How often does this happen?" I know I should ease up on the questions, but I need to understand more. Does this happen every day? Is he usually alone when it does? God, what about when he’s driving?
"Usually once every couple of weeks when I don't have meds," he slurs while pinching at the cut on his lip. "Sometimes it's worse right after I stop taking the pills, though, and I ran out last night."
"How long does it usually take for the seizures to go away?"
He shrugs again. "Depends."
I press the tissue back against his lip and slide down beside him, repeatedly running my fingers through his hair, trying to relax him. "Have you always had this?"
"My whole life. My mother used cocaine the whole time she was pregnant with me," he says, talking against the pressure I'm putting on his lip. I remember now. He confirmed all those rumors when he said she died from a drug overdose when he was just two. The story about her dying broke my heart, but now seeing what she caused him to suffer with, I want to think that good-for-nothing woman got what she deserved. In the end, though, the only person being punished here is Raine.
"That's not fair," I tell him. He inhales a long, slow breath and sinks into the bed while clenching and relaxing each hand over and over as if they hurt. "Are you in pain?"
"My muscles hurt," he says, closing his eyes. “And I’ll probably have a nice headache tomorrow.”
I rest my head on his chest, listening to the speed of his racing heart as it melts from frantic to calm over the course of several minutes. He falls back asleep from exhaustion, and while I’d rather lay awake and watch him all night to make sure he’s okay, I feel about the same after the day we had.
My body fallsflat to the bed, and I slowly come to awareness, feeling the brightness of the sun hammer against my closed eyes. I squint a little tighter and push myself up. It takes a minute to remember everything that happened last night, and when it all comes back to me, I force my eyes open against the burning sun beaming through the blinds that are only partially closed. Raine is sitting up, his back facing me as he rubs his hands up and down his face. "Are you okay?" I ask softly with hesitance.
He stands up without responding and walks across the room, closing himself into the bathroom. My heart hurts in my chest as I consider the thought of him not having medication while in prison, either.Epilepsylooks like a jail sentence itself. I want to help him, but I can't even help myself, and yet, he helped me last night, even though he has nothing. I don't deserve to be in this man's presence. He served time in prison, but I'm a horrible person. The number of times I felt jealousy for his life, it’s clear now; I never knew what I was jealous of. I just wanted to get away from my stolen life.
I pull a hair elastic off my wrist and scoop all my hair up into a ponytail. The best thing I can do for Raine is disappear. It's so obvious how bad I am for him, and why he should never forgive me. I know he tried to move past things yesterday, but I think it’s because he feels sorry for me. No one should feel sorry for me, though. He’s right. I’m responsible for the decisions I made. I went down the easy road, and now I need to pay that consequence.
I walk over to the bathroom door and tap my knuckles against the wood before speaking. "I'm going to get going. I think it's best if I don't cause you any more stress, so I just wanted to say thank you for helping me with a place to stay last night, and—"
The door flies open, and he's standing in front of me with puffy eyes and a swollen lip. "Are you okay?" I ask cautiously, again.
"That was a bad one last night," he says.
"Can I get you anything?"
"Forgiveness." What is there for me to forgive him for? I’m the asshole.
"Raine, you have nothing to apologize for."
He closes his eyes and pauses. With a sharp inhale, he places his palms on the frame of the door and peers down at me. "Yes, Haven, I do."
"Well, I can't imagine what it could possibly be for," I tell him. What could it be for? I’m the one who has continuously hurt him.
"You should sit down," he says, nodding toward the bed.
He's making me nervous, and I can't figure out what he could say that I might want or need an apology for. Regardless, I do what he asks and take a seat on the edge of the bed as he walks toward me while rolling out each wrist.He must still be in pain from last night.
He pulls the chair around to face me and sits down, leaning forward as his elbows press into his thighs. "I lied to you," he says. "I've been trying to figure out a way to tell you the truth, and last night, I stupidly thought if I got you mad enough about random shit, you'd be a little less angry about what I need to tell you." Until a couple of days ago, I haven't seen him in seven years, and there isn't much he could have done since then to make me as mad as he's claiming I'll be.
"Raine, please just tell me."
His eyes close for a long blink before he refocuses on me with a dark look in his eyes. Then he takes my hand from my lap and squeezes it gently between his.
"I'm so sorry, Haven."
