Not in ecstasy.
The sharp sound of her distress shot through his chest like a bullet, and Yom froze when she twisted underneath him. In obvious pain.
She was…
She hadn’t…
He’d assumed that every word in Berlin had been a lie. Orchestrated by her brother to ensure he won his bet.
But Yom’s blood ran cold with the realization that there had been one thing she hadn’t lied about.
“You are virgin?”
“Yes, I told you that in Berlin.” Her voice was no longer dazed with lust but tight with pain.
Horror climbed up Yom’s spine as her words sank in. “Why are you on birth control then?”
“Because I hate periods that much,” she answered between gritted teeth. “Could you… I don’t know…” She twisted uncomfortably beneath him. “It hurts.”
It hurts.He had truly caused her pain. The realization hit him like a punch to the chest. How could he have been so careless? He’d been blinded by his own need, but now he burned with shame for putting his desires above her well-being. He wanted nothing more than to continue beating himself up for his reckless behavior.
At the same time, he knew he had to make this better. A memory of pain couldn’t be her first time. He couldn’t let her regret saying yes to him.
“Ssh,zayka, ssh.” He brought a hand to her cheek, gently brushed back her locks, and pressed a soft kiss to her temple. Yes, he could be soft. He could be nice. “This pain will soon pass. Breathe with me. Let your body relax. Let it accept me. Accept this.”
She stopped struggling and began to breathe as he instructed, slow and steady, her gaze meeting his as she stretched and adjusted around him.
He didn’t know whether to feel grateful that she trusted him enough to listen or to castigate himself even further.
She was so sweet, so strong. It cracked his chest to watch her endure suffering he had caused.
“I am truly sorry,zayka. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen,” he whispered into her ear as she released tiny, fast breaths against his shoulder.
“I was too crazed. I am wanting you too badly. These weeks after Berlin have been terrible.”
The truths he’d made himself hold back while Lydia was deciding how to answer him came rushing out. “I am obsessing over you. Making myself stay in my room even though you are only down the hall. I am dreaming of you. Do you know that,zayka? Dreaming while awake of this moment.”
He brushed his nose against her cheek as her breaths slowed. “Every night, I take shower before bed, but lately, I am adding another in the morning, too, so I can get rid of evidence of my wanting you too much before I drive us to school. Please believe me….”
He took a shaky breath, trying to steady himself. “Please believe me when I tell you I am never wishing to hurt you.”
She breathed in.
Then she breathed out in a whisper against his neck, “I believe you.” Her voice was softer now, a little stronger. “It’s okay.”
“It is not okay,” he answered, nuzzling his face into hers. “I will never forgive myself for giving you this pain.”
“C’mon, baby, stop,” she insisted in that impish, teasing tone she often used to correct him on something he’d gotten wrong in Statistics. “The hurt is done. And Yom?”
She placed a hand on his cheek, tilting his face so that he could look at her.
“I’m glad it was you,” she told him, her gentle brown eyes shining. “It doesn’t hurt anymore, and I understand now. Thank you. Thank you for making sure I loved you before we did this. I love you, Yom.”
Her words shredded his chest. No one—no one—had ever talked to him like this before. Answered his terrible action with sweetness and gratitude.
She had murdered him. Was Lydia aware of this?
She had dug his grave in winter ground and set him on fire with just a few words from her sweet mouth.
