She’d also advised that trying to do “the usual tourist things” would be much more difficult, given the furor over the acquisition of “The Atomic Foot”—also because of that huge scene we made at the Tourmaline.
“Excuse me, but this event is already being talked about on many news sites?” the manager explained. “I have been authorized to procure a ticket home for you—or perhaps you would like for us to move you into a suite at our Benton Grand location?”
“No, no more suites!” I answered. “I’ll take the ticket!”
So, in the end, I came home with my suitcases. But my dignity, both intimate relationships I’ve had in the past four years, and my general sense of trust???
Well, all that got left behind in Paris.
However, the story followed me home.
It was true that Americans weren’t big on soccer. It might be a huge sport everywhere else in the world, but it was barely even covered in the States unless a major match, like the World Cup, was involved.
Prior to my return to California, I could have argued that, like me, few Americans would be able to pick Andy “Mick” Atwater out on the street—or in first class.
A soccer player could literally get in several game fights like Andy apparently had, and it still wouldn’t make the stateside news cycle. Nothing but the most niche American sports gossip sites, that only people like Dwayne read had picked up the story about Mick enjoying a romantic holiday with an unknown American in Paris.
But the story about an American being strung along by a famous British soccer player after being publicly cheated on by her American football player ex?
Well, that caught traction.
All over the world.
Eff. My. Life.
Just a few days after my return, clips and posts about me slapping “The A.M. Volcano” in the Tourmaline lobby from just about every angle had caught fire online.
I found out the hard way that a news story like that would definitely get picked up byeverybody.
By the time I returned to work the following Monday after my supposed “vacation,” I could barely walk through the office under the weight of my coworkers’ pitying stares.
Had I thought I knew what humiliation was when Suzie showed me footage of my boyfriend making out with a reality star on an afternoon gossip show? Ha!
That had just been a little prick. The fallout from the Paris fling had come with humiliation that felt like getting stabbed in the chest.
The Monday night after my disastrous return to work, when I headed toward the garage to put in a long overdue load of laundry, I even caught my parents and my college-aged brother watching Gary Berry, their favorite late-night host, send up the argument during the 8:35 p.m. east coast feed broadcast of the L.A. Based show.
“As a huge Suns fan, nobody was more shocked than me that the Wisconsin Bears made it into the division slot for the Big Game,” Gary Berry told a live audience during his top-of-show monologue. “Frankly, I thought they were in the Playoffs Choke Club like us! It kind of felt like they were just pretending to be a team that had absolutely no chance of going all the way. I actually have footage of me confronting tonight’s guest, Wade Winters, in the green room about it. Watch!”
In the clip, Gary, dressed in the exact same head-to-toe Suns gear and crossbody canvas anti-theft purse I’d been wearing that fateful morning in Paris, walked into the green room with the show’s band leader, who sported football tights, athletic shorts, a Suns thermal, and a huge sideline cape like Dwayne.
Together, they confronted Wade Winters, the handsome quarterback of the Wisconsin Bears.
“Let me explain, Gary,” Wade pleaded.”
“Why? So you can lie to me some more?” Gary spread his arms just like I did during that confrontation.“I should’ve known never to trust a pro athlete!”
The argument went on from there with an almost line-for-line parody of the one I had with Andy Atwater in the Tourmaline lobby.
My parents watched in grim silence, but Stevie laughed throughout the bit. And he just about fell out when Wade yelled, “Yeah, Gary, I lied. I’ve been lying this whole time. Cuz, Gary, I knew… I knew that if I told you everything, you wouldn’t understand that I was the exception to the choking during the playoffs rule!”
Steve raised the remote and paused the show there to inform my parents with a snort, “Yeah, I can tell you right now, that’s definitely gonna go viral!”
“Do you think we should warn her?” Mom asked worriedly.
“She doesn’t want us talking with her about it, Nita,” Dad pointed out. “How many times has she already said that?”
“I know, but I’d hate for her to see it onli—oh, honey, we didn’t see you standing there!”
