Alice wouldn’t have the father she deserved, but she’d be surrounded by an extended family who loved and cherished her, who would step up and fill that void and provide examples of living with integrity and character.
Trixie might have failed her daughter the first nine months of her life in many ways, but that stopped now.
Her stomach coiled tighter with each mile put behind her that brought her closer to home. She had no right to expect a grand welcoming, but she had to believe her parents uncanny ability to forgive would extend to her as well. As for her sisters…
She’d once thought nothing could break their bond, but she’d acted selfishly, missing the most important day of Jessa’s life. It was bad enough their brother hadn’t attended, but Hunter didn’t have a choice. Prison sentences didn’t care if your family member had a wedding.
A tiny squeak from the rear seat broke her meanderings. She darted her gaze to the mirror and saw Alice’s brown eyes wide open and her pudgy arms and legs wiggling. Waves of pure love washed over her. How was it possible to love a person with every fiber of her being, to know she’d give her life in an instant to save Alice’s?
“Did you have a good nap, sweetheart?”
Alice gurgled, then smiled. “Mama.”
“Yes, I’m Mama.” Trixie giggled.Mamaandbabafor bottle. That was the extent of Alice’s vocabulary, beyond random strings of sounds. Although Trixie heard those words countless times a day, she never tired of them.
She kept her eyes open for a safe place to pull over. Her daughter was happy now, but Trixie knew from nine months of experience that this was the calm before the storm. From the time Alice woke up from her nap, Trixie had fifteen minutes max to feed her before the smiles and gurgles turned to clenched fists and ear-piercing screams.
Three miles down the road, she spotted a convenience store with a small restaurant attached. She drove in and parked, detached Alice’s car seat from the base. She looked at the restaurant side with longing, thinking how nice it’d be to sit and relax while feeding Alice.
With her free hand, she consciously felt for her wallet inside the diaper bag. Did she dare part with a few precious dollars? Her stomach rumbled, begging for an affirmative answer. She really shouldn’t—she had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the car.
I’ll order something small, like a bowl of soup. A cup even, that would be cheaper.
She blinked away an unexpected tear of frustration. This wasn’t how she’d planned her life, but she had no one to blame but herself. At least going home was a step in correcting the bad decisions she’d made.
A middle-aged man with a trucker’s cap exited the store and held the door open for her. She slid through and took a deep breath. Reluctantly, she went straight to the restroom knowing she couldn’t afford the cheapest menu item. She washed her hands and prepared Alice’s bottle.
Her heavy footsteps on the return walk to her car resonated with her mood. Trixie unbuckled Alice and sat in the front seat with her as she happily sucked on her bottle, unaware of her mother’s turmoil. When Alice finished, Trixie played with her for a few minutes before subjecting her to the car seat again.
“Next stop, home.” Regardless of all the doubts and uncertainties that overwhelmed her, that prospect made her smile, albeit a weak one.
For the next hour, she focused on that whenever her thoughts went rogue and reminded her what a horrible life path she’d taken. Jesus offered redemption. She’d been taught that all her life and clung to those promises she’d had to memorize as a child in Sunday school. She needed them now, more than ever.
Send me a sign, God. Show me You still care about me, despite my many flaws and sins. I want back that relationship I once had with You, but I don’t know if it’s too late.
She finished the prayer at the exact moment the sign for Jasper Lake came into view, but in her heart she didn’t take that as the sign from Him she’d asked for. She had known the city limits were approaching. It would take a larger response than that to satisfy that longing in her soul.
Her nerves did one-handed back springs as she drove into town. Each familiar site bit at her, asking her why she’d left. She sighed. Had it only been a year since she’d left? It may as well have been a lifetime for all that had changed.
Where did she go first?
One of her sisters? Phoebe’s or Jessa’s? No, Phoebe would be at work, and she didn’t know where Jessa lived now. She’d moved out of the boardinghouse after getting married, but Trixie couldn’t remember the address.
That left her parents.
She needed support for that reunion.
After carefully pulling off the road, she dug her phone out from her purse and called Phoebe, who didn’t answer. She tried Jessa’s number and tapped her nails against the wide swatch of the steering wheel, unsure of the reception she’d receive.
“Trix, is that you?” Jessa’s voice pounded through the phone with a mixture of fear and relief.
“It’s me,” she answered, her voice cracking.
“Are you okay? I’ve been so worried. I haven’t been able to get in touch with you since before the wedding. Where are you?” The words flooded the line.
“I’m sorry.” Broken by emotions, the floodgates opened.
“It’s okay. Are you okay?”
