However, if it made Mom happy, she’d do it. Jessa and Phoebe had filled her in on Mom’s changed behavior during the time she’d been gone. They said she’d been a shell of herself, which only made Trixie double her guilt. If she had any consolation, it was that Mom seemed to have bounced back with an admirable inner strength.
She didn’t realize how cold she was until she stepped back inside the warmth of the building. She stood still under a vent and let the heat seep through her before going upstairs and waiting in the small cry room off the sanctuary, her staging place where she’d wait until she and Joseph made their entrance.
A group of angels scurried across the sanctuary, chatting and giggling. Trixie couldn’t stop her smile. She remembered those days well, had enjoyed the fun of dressing in glittery white while huddling with her best friends and gossiping while waiting for their turn to perform.
Christmas music played softly on the speakers, setting the tone for when the audience arrived. Electric candles glowed in each window and greenery added subtle touches to the décor. Half of the stage had been transformed to a makeshift, cardboard Bethlehem, while the other resembled a field. More painted boxes sat in the baptistry side room, ready to fill out Bethlehem after the shepherds had their first scene.
Trixie wrinkled her nose. She couldn’t procrastinate any longer. Walking slowly, she headed toward the cry room and said a prayer she’d survive the night. Especially being in close proximity to the youth pastor, Elijah Brewer.
She didn’t care for him and suspected the feeling was mutual. It wasn’t anything specific he’d done, but the vibe he gave off. He didn’t approve of her and judged her situation. His upturned nose made that very clear, but he was too much of a minister to say anything outright.
The room was empty, and relief flooded her. Even if only for a few minutes, she’d have peace before his arrogant, self-righteous attitude filled her space. She closed the door behind her and sat in the rocking chair. She’d never understood the importance of a cry room, but now that she had a child of her own, she thought it ingenious.
Once, when Alice was only three weeks old, Trixie had tried to go to church. Since she didn’t know anyone, she didn’t want her baby in the nursery and took her to the service with her. Alice had cried the entire time, and she’d ended up leaving early. That, combined with the lies she’d told about Alice’s father—she’d told people he had to work on Sundays—she’d never returned.
The door opened and Elijah walked in dressed in a long tan muslin costume with a burgundy robe overtop. A striped piece of cloth covered his head, secured with a length of rope. Next to her robin-egg blue costume and white sash, they looked the parts of their characters.
He closed the door, not appearing to notice her at first. Fingers spread, he tapped each one as though going through a checklist. “I think that’s everything.”
“Everything for what?” It’s the first time she initiated a conversation with him, but maybe it would break through this thick shield of ice.
His head snapped upward, and he looked at her with surprise. “Little things I needed to finish before the play.” He glanced around, scratched his neck. “I didn’t realize you were here already.”
“‘Everyone in place by five-thirty’ I remember the rules.”
“Right.” His gaze darted from side to side, refusing to stay put. He shifted positions, clearly uncomfortable. He reached over and opened the door wide.
“Mom said the door needs to stay closed, so no one sees.”
He stood by the doorframe. “It’s for appearance’s sake. A grown man and woman alone in a closed room wouldn’t look right.”
She rubbed a hand over her mouth and down her neck, trying to stay calm. “There’s a window right in front of us. If anyone wants to check on us, they can look in from the sanctuary and see that everything is completely on the up and up.”
“Yes, but with my position and your history, we must be extremely cautious.”
That’s it. I’ve had enough of his pompous attitude.Deep within her something welled—courage to speak for all who had been cast out, not accepted, told their sins were too great. “You are the exact reason people leave churches.”
“What do you mean?” Creases formed on his forehead and he appeared genuinely confused by her statement.
“If I didn’t have a daughter, would you still think your precious reputation would be compromised right now with that door closed?”
“No—yes—maybe.”
“Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to step foot in this building? I knew I’d be subjected to judgment, and quite frankly, there’s nothing you or anyone else can think of me that’s worse than what I’ve believed.” She surged to her feet, met his eyes with a steady glare. “Most days I hate myself for the things I’ve done, and I struggle to believe a holy God would want anything to do with me. When I come here, and have you and others treat me like this, it’s only confirmation that I’m too far gone.”
He swallowed, and she had to respect he didn’t launch into an immediate defense. “Everyone is welcome in this church.”
“Are they? Are they really?” She held out a pointed finger. “Because I can tell you right now, I don’t feel welcomed by you. And you know what else, if I can feel your judgment, then I’m sure Lara does as well—which is a crying shame.”
“This isn’t about Lara.” His hands clenched into fists. “Look, I’m sorry. I honestly meant no offense.”
“You treated me like a common harlot.” She lowered her arm to her side. “I made mistakes and I own them, but it’s those errors in judgment that probably make me the safest woman to be around because I can guarantee you that I’ve learned from them. I have zero interest in any type of relationship with a man, andifI ever decide I’m back on the market, it won’t be for a self-righteous, pious youth minister like you.”
Elijah straightened his back. “You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“No, you are.” His refusal to accept even a morsel of responsibility bolstered her frustration, but arguing was pointless unless he removed his blinders. “Let’s just stop and get through tonight.”
Pastor Gray knocked on the doorjamb. “Everything okay in here? Someone said they heard yelling.”
