∞∞∞∞∞∞∞
“How was your friend’s wedding?”
Eri smiled at Cherell, her therapist, as she made herself comfortable on the plush couch. “It was nice. The decorations were so pretty, and she made such a gorgeous bride. I have pictures.” She took her phone out and showed her a few of the pictures she’d taken with Avian.
“You both look exquisite,” Cherell stated.
“Thank you. How was your weekend?”
“It was relaxing. I got a new plant for my living room. That’s probably as exciting as it got.” She paused briefly. “How are you feeling this week?”
Eri exhaled. “Better than I was this time last year.”
“Is there a reason for that?”
Eri thought about it. “I guess I’ve been able to focus on other things and keep myself occupied.”
That was the truth. However, there was only one other thing that had been preoccupying her mind—a person, to be more accurate. She couldn’t stop thinking about how nice he’d been for helping her, the feeling that kicked up in her stomach when she knew he was flirting with her, or that she’d sought him out to feel safe.
If she were being honest, he was always nice to her. No matter how smart-mouthed she got with him or how much she tried to pretend he annoyed her. It never seemed to faze him, and he went right on like she hadn’t. With someone else, this would have been a bad sign for her. It would have triggered memories she’d rather not relive, but it didn’t. Maybe it was because she knew he was ignoring her attitude, and he knew the things she said weren’t out of malice, or because he could not take no for an answer because she hadn’t told him no.
He never made her feel like he was pushing her boundaries. Sure, he flirted with her, but it never exceeded what she was comfortable with. It was never laid on thick, almost like he knew it wouldn’t work out well with her if he did.
“You’ve been keeping busy in order not to think about it?”
“No,” Eri responded. That had been her go-to previously, but they’d discussed that it wasn’t healthy. It only served to ignore what she felt and not actually deal with it. “It just doesn’t feel as heavy.”
“That’s good,” Cherell said, writing some notes. “Tell me what’s new with you. At our last session, you said you were thinking of taking up a new hobby. Did you?”
“I did. I’ve started cross-stitching. It’s a slow learning process, but it’s relaxing.”
“You’ll have to show me your first masterpiece when it’s done.” She shifted gears. “We also spoke about your friend getting married in the last session, how you felt about it, and what you thought it meant for your friendship.”
They had, and honestly, Eri didn’t see their friendship changing. Sure, Avian was married now, but that didn’t mean things had to change. They didn’t spend every waking moment together before then; she wouldn’t expect them to now. They both had their own lives, and she was happy the other womanhad found someone who truly made her happy and would move heaven and earth for her.
“Has seeing her in this new relationship and taking these steps helped you with your feelings about dating?”
“I know that not all men are terrible, and I’ve never consciously punished them for the actions of one. It isn’t that I don’t want to date or that I’m afraid to start back. I just…I want to be honest with whoever that is, and not worry about them pitying me or not seeing anything more than what happened when they look at me once they know.”
“I understand. You don’t want to put yourself in a space to be vulnerable and then feel rejected and hurt, but Eri, there will always be things in this world that don’t go how you want them to. Hiding is safe, and it may be comforting to do so, but you miss out on so much that way,” Cherell responded.
Eri knew she was right, and while she thought she was no longer allowing those events to dictate her life, they were in a way because the thought of telling a significant other what happened caused dread to pool in her stomach. Yes, she could keep her assault from them, but she wouldn’t feel right doing so. It would feel like lying every time she looked at them. And what if she were triggered by something? How would she explain it to them then, at the moment?
“Your brother’s birthday is tomorrow. Are you going to see them?”
“Yes, tomorrow afternoon,” Eri responded.
She spent the rest of the session, like they usually did, discussing things she wanted to achieve soon. When it was over, she confirmed her appointment for two weeks and left. As she drove to her apartment, she reflected on what Cherell had said.
The next afternoon, Eri got out of the car, supplies in hand, and weaved through the plethora of people until she reached herdestination. She sat in front of the headstone belonging to her mother and little brother, and she put the bouquet she brought in one of the built-in vases. She pulled out the cupcake she had bought to celebrate the day he was born and the day he and her mother died in childbirth.
Eri took out the candle—a five to represent how old he would have been and how many years they’d been gone. She lit it, sang “Happy Birthday” like always, and blew it out. This had gotten easier over the years, but the void of losing someone never went away, never closed. It only became more manageable to bear.
She spent the next hour filling them in on things that had been going on since she last visited them a few months ago for her mother’s birthday. Eri knew her dad would show up sometime that evening when he returned from his trip.
She took the empty cupcake wrapper and candle with her as she headed back to her car, tossing them in a trashcan when she reached the parking area. She sat behind the wheel for a moment before starting the thirty-minute drive back to Albuquerque. Classes began next Monday, and she’d spend the next few days finishing some assignments to stay ahead and mapping out her final project.
4
