“And calling his place home,” Eli interrupted.
“No,” I lied, like referring to it as home hadn’t been what started this entire thread of conversation. Judging by the way Eli was looking at me, he wasn’t buying it. “It’s his place. I’m just staying there until my apartment is ready.”
“Could’ve stayed with us,” Eli pointed out.
“On your couch.”
“Our couch is very comfortable.”
“Or you could’ve slept in my bed. I could crash with Eli,” Holden pointed out.
I glared at him because he was not helping. “Until Eli had a hookup and needed his bed, then I’m on the couch. It doesn’tmatter how comfortable your couch is, it’s not comfortable enough to justify playing musical beds for God only knows how long.”
“We’re getting off point.” Eli’s sharp words seemed to avoid the fact that he’d been the one to start us on that particular conversational side quest. “You have to realize that a month is too soon for falling for someone, right?”
I heaved a heavy sigh. I knew that a month was too soon, under normal circumstances. But nothing about my relationship with Noah could be considered normal circumstances. He wasn’t a stranger when we started dating, which meant that I didn’t have to take the time to get to know him from scratch. There was a foundation there, even if it had been a little weathered. It had stood the test of time, and it was still there. Still sturdy and uncracked and ready for us to build on.
But a solid foundation wasn’t a time machine. I knew Eli was right. I shouldn’t be speed running my relationship with Noah. Especially since I knew there was a chance that he might not be able to catch me at the end of the fall, that he might never feel for me what I felt for him. And even if he did, I couldn’t expect him to be on the same page as me, especially this early in the relationship. Maybe one day.
I needed to rein myself back in.
“What do I do?”
“Come stay at our place?” Holden suggested.
I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to go and stay at Holden and Eli’s. It wasn’t just about their couch. I fully believed Holden would give me his bed and crash with Eli for as long as it took for my apartment to be put back together. It wasn’t about not wanting to put them out, just like it wasn’t about that with any of my other friends. The truth was I wanted to stay with Noah because I liked being there. I didn’t want to stop falling asleep with him. I wanted him to keep being the first person I saw inthe morning. I wanted to kiss him without regard for morning breath and tease him about his elaborate skincare routine.
I knew that I was moving too fast, but that didn’t mean I wanted to stop moving.
I just needed to rein my heart in. I could do that. I could figure out a way to stop myself from falling further for him, deploy an emotional parachute or something to slow the drop.
I had to because it was better than the alternative of leaving.
“Don’t do that.” Seb reached across Jonas to tap my arm. “What you need to do is talk to him, tell him where you’re at. It’ll make things a lot easier if you two just have a conversation about where you’re at and where he’s at. It’ll save you a lot of heartache.”
It was sound advice, and I knew that it came from a place of experience. Seb’s boyfriend, Chris, had to deal with a lot of fallout with his friends over his relationship with Seb. They’d found out that Seb and Chris had started their relationship with a lie to them, and they’d overreacted. I didn’t really understand it, but then, our group had known from the start that Seb and Chris were playing pretend. Maybe it would’ve been different if the shoe was on the other foot.
But I knew where Seb was coming from, knew he was thinking about that when he offered his advice.
“I know that’s what I should do,” I agreed.
“Then do it.”
God, that was so much easier said than done. I could even think of what I would need to say to him, but getting the words out? That was a horse of a different color.
“Or don’t,” Eli countered. “Get your head together, Matt. You’re sexually attracted to him, which is a big thing for you, right?” I nodded. “And you two have a lot of history. I think,” Eli drew in a deep breath and met my eyes across the table. “I thinkthat maybe you’re still in love with who he was. A month isn’t a lot of time to get to know who he is now, right?”
Normally, I’d agree, but I knew Noah. I knew who he was back then, and I knew who he’d grown into now. We’d spent countless hours together over the last few weeks. We talked about everything under the sun, and Iknewhim. Eli was wrong.
I wasn’t still in love with the memory of Noah.
I remembered what it was like to be loved by Noah the Boy. It had been loud and grandiose and full of big plans for a future we’d been too young and immature to chase. It had been soft and gentle at times, too. It had been unmarred by heartache or the firsthand knowledge of how much love could hurt. I had loved him the same way, ferociously and without any fear, because my heart hadn’t been broken, mended, and broken again. What I had with Noah the Boy had been a pure first love. It had been true love, but it hadn’t been the kind of love that was built to last.
What I felt for Noah the Man was similar to that, but I knew myself better now. I knew what I wanted, and I knew who I was. I knew heartache and healing. I knew that love didn’t always last, and I knew that love and relationships took work. I knew that all love was true love. I knew the risks of falling this fast for Noah Guthrie, and I was doing it anyway. I knew that I’d have to talk to him about it eventually, but that was future Matt’s problem.
No, Eli was wrong. I wasn’t still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I was falling for him again, and it was something new and different.
“I’m going to talk to him,” I decided. I sounded braver than I felt, and I knew that it wouldn’t be as easy as just talking to him. I knew my friends could see right through my paper-thin attempts at bravery and offered them a wavering smile. “Eventually. I just have to figure out where to start.”
