“Alleria?” Nella crosses to me, her hand pressing against my forehead. “You’ve gone pale. Should I send for someone?”
“No.” I pull away. “I’m fine. It’s just … horrible to think about what happened.”
She’s watching me out of worried eyes full of questions she wants to ask, but dares not voice.
“Help me dress. I think I would like to spend some time in the stables today.”
Nella accepts the change of subject without any comment, and helps me into the dress, pins my hair back in a simple braid, then steps back.
“You’ll do. Though you still look tired.”
I’m always tired, lately.
The walk to the stables takes me through the servants’ wing and out past the kitchen gardens. I choose the route deliberately. There are fewer courtiers this way, and less risk of being stopped. But even here, I can feel a shift in the way people look at me.
A cook’s assistant looks up as I pass, then quickly looks away. Two gardeners fall silent as I approach the gate, their conversation dying mid-sentence. A stable boy I’ve known for years drops his eyes to the ground and doesn’t greet me.
My favorite mare is in her stall, chestnut coat gleaming. She nickers when she sees me and pushes her nose against my palm, looking for treats.
I stroke her neck. “At least you’re happy to see me.”
She doesn’t care about the Dell, or the whispers and looks. She just wants an apple and a scratch behind the ears, and right now that simplicity is the most comforting thing in the world.
I stay with her longer than I should, while the stable grows busy around me. Grooms lead horses out for exercise, a farrier sets up his tools, the master of horse calls instructions across the yard.
Resting my forehead against her neck, I breathe in the smell of hay and warm animal, trying to pretend I’m somewhere else.Someoneelse.
It doesn’t work. It never does.
When I finally leave, the sun is high and the palace is fully awake. I can’t avoid everyone forever. Hiding will only makethings worse, and every hour I spend out of sight is another hour for rumors to grow, so I make myself walk back through the main halls. I keep my chin up and my pace steady, and ignore the looks and whispers that stop when I approach.
In the library, I find a chair in a corner and pull a book from the shelf without looking at the title. The words blur on the page, but I turn them anyway, one after the other, maintaining the pretense of reading while my mind circles the same thoughts.
Cowen’s head on the wall. The scouts confirming it. And the overall feeling that when he killed Cowen, part of me had been pleased.
“Princess.”
I look up to find Lady Whitmore standing a few feet away, a book clutched to her chest. She’s older than me by at least two decades, a widow with a sharp tongue and sharper eyes.
“Lady Whitmore.” I keep my voice neutral.
“I didn’t expect to see you out and about today.” Her tone makes it clear she thinks I shouldn’t be. “Given the news.”
“The news affects us all.”
“Does it?” She tilts her head, pursing her lips. “Somemightsay it affects you more than most. Given your … connection to the creature responsible.”
“I was its prisoner. Not its accomplice.”
“Of course. Though one does wonder what happens to a person, spending so much time alone with one of those things. What they might learn. What they might … become.”
I hold her gaze. “If you have something to say, I suggest you say it to my father.”
Her eyes drop, and she turns away, her skirts rustling. “Do take care of yourself, Princess. I fear we’re moving into dangerous times.”
I decide to take my midday meal in my chambers, alone,because the thought of sitting at a table with my father and Merina, and pretending everything is normal makes my stomach turn. Nella brings me soup and bread and watches me push it around the bowl without eating.
“You have to eat, Alleria.” Her voice is quiet.
